PREFACE: i wrote this column last year as you can plainly read [unless you are a complete fucking retard of course]. alot of the stuff i address is old news but it should provide you with a few things: first it should give you a sense of the skepticism that i feel everytime i stand in line at the grocery store and have to see all these outrageous gossip mags or watch tv and one of those access hollywood or entertainment tonight programs comes on. second it should provide you with a few minutes of giggles and maybe even stir your thoughts a bit. yes i know michael jackson is dead but he was very much alive when this column was written. was i a fan? no but that didn't make him any less of a master of entertainment to millions of fans across the globe. his end wasn't something i was counting on or wishing for. in fact i was looking forward to years and years worth of wacky exploits from the king of pop. i hate alot of celebrities but few of them i want to see drop dead and jackson wasn't one of them. anyhow enjoy the column.
THINGS IM NOT FEELING: IM GOING TO THE FUCKIN ZOO YA'LL.
PART ONE: UPDATES AND SHIT. hello misfits. morons and hungry information seekers who hath come to the great roast to drink the upscale hearty sap from my tree of knowledge. it has been a wild few months of life changes and readjustments many of which i will not elaborate upon here because A. IT ISNT REALLY ANY OF YOUR GODDAMNED BUSINESS and B. IT REALLY ISNT ANY OF YOUR GODDAMNED BUSINESS. needless to say im happily moving forward with long neglected projects and gearing up for a busy fall and winter season of rocking. recording. pontificating and drinking. [all of which i most assuredly do better than the rest of you]. those who know may agree or disagree if they so choose i mean after all it is a free country and most of my friends possess brains (1) and those who support me through all this know that i got em covered when they need me. but....for those that dont i got a special message for you: GET OFF MY ISLAND AND GET OUT OF MY LIFE. but with all that said. just know that i am ready to press ahead and do what must be done for the good of you readers and give you what you deserve.......a good ol fashioned literary beatdown. ready? well then let's fuckin go then.
PART TWO: AMERICA'S FAVORITE PASTTIME......IDIOT WATCHING [HOLLYWOOD STYLE]
first off let me state what may not be so clear to some you fine folks when it comes to the topic of idiot watching: MOST OF YOU ARE IDIOTS TOO. the kind of idiot watching im talking about is most enjoyed by the bon bon gobbling. danielle steele romance novel reading house fraus that litter this great country like many cubic tons of trash. now you may think im bagging on chicks but let's face it: who the fuck else enjoys hollywood gossip more than some of you ladies? im positive that there are many dudes out there that stare mindlessly into their televisions to watch ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT and ACCESS HOLLYWOOD like they are watching scat porn. and.....AND.....im 100 fucking percent certain that a large slice of the male population in these here united states cant resist ruminating over hollywood gossip mags while buying beer and preparation h at the supermarket [slack jawed and devoid of any real thought other than wanting to pound on britney spears' kid shitter]. ill just get to the point without hurling too many insults at you dear readers and just state that whether you live in an outhouse in south kelso or live in a condo on the sun baked streets of miami beach YOU FUCKERS CANT GET ENOUGH OF THAT SWEET HOLLYWOOD GOSSIP. what is my objective here? to let you know that although i find many of the things you like and hold dear to be nothing more than idle pursuits belonging to criminally retarded assholes i chuck roast cant seem to avert my eyes away from the exploits of the hollywood elite. despite the fact that while i stand in line at the supermarket buying beer and preparation h (2) [my mind full of original thought bordering on the edge of super genius and also thinking about what brit's poon feels like (3)] i just cant help but allow my eyes to wander to the human car wrecks displayed on the covers of gossip mags such as THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER and US WEEKLY. the difference between me and the likes of you is while you actually give a shit about nicole richie i scoff at her and wish her a lifetime of bad luck. so what did i do? i bought a couple of gossip mags and began my research. feverishly combing over all the subtle well reported details and i am now about to give you my take on the world of the rich and famous. and why? no fuckin reason other than i want you to understand these celebs like i do and believe you me people i understand them more than you could ever realize.
PART THREE: NEWSFLASH BRITNEY SPEARS IS AN UNFIT MOTHER [big suprise there eh?]
according to well informed sources at both STAR and THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER britney spears is about to lose custody of her two young children. her ex-husband kevin federline [also known as K-FED to his bros on the streets] is planning a full on assault with the help of high power attorney mark vincent kaplan in hopes that he can obtain full custody of his sons [who are two of the ugliest sumbitches i have ever laid eyes on....just thought you should know]. along with kaplan, K-FED is utilizing the services of a gentleman by the name of aaron cohen who runs the hollywood firm IMS-SECURITY. it should be noted, strictly for means of laughs, that cohen was a former counterterrorism commander for the israeli army. his role: to seek out and serve subpoenas to members of britney's inner circle including security staff, housekeepers, and assorted hangers on. britney's mother lynn spears is also being served papers that require her and the aforementioned parties to testify under oath that britney is a shitty mother.
now for the cold hard facts: britney drinks alot, does prescription drugs, and has sex with multiple partners. K-FED has reportedly obtained security camera video footage of spears being abusive and self destructive, with many instances in the presence of her kids. the part that made me giggle was the anecdote about britney hitting K-UNIT with a frying pan [i would kill to see that].
now if you add all the accrued scandals together [i.e. shaving her head, fucking random dudes, flashing her crotch to hungry paparazzi, trips in and out of rehab, and other incidents of tomfoolery] it basically says to me that despite K-FEDERALE being a talentless gold digger and all around scumbag, he is the more responsible parent to the two mongoloids. it is my opinion that unless britney can dig up and resurrect jack fuckin ruby or acquire the legal finesse of the much missed johnny cochran, she is sure to lose her kids. she will then succumb further to her addictions and be completely broke by age 30. by 35 she'll look like a retired school bus driver. K-TELL will raise the kids and will then unleash them on the mean streets of beverly hills where they will display very little ambition or talent. the crystal ball is clear on this one because when you put two talentless and inept weirdos together and they are allowed to procreate the by-product can be summed up simply as no name rabble. K-BOOM will maintain his status as tinsel town's finest philanderer and pig fucker. best of luck to these two excellent examples for parents all across cowlitz county. (4) quick newsflash, as predicted, britney lost custody of her two spawns. in order to prove herself as a fit mother she has to submit to take piss tests to assure that she isn't on any drugs [she has since failed at least one so far]. the irony of it all is that k-feds attorneys are paid for with britney's money. my take on that is that she must be a fuckin idiot.
PART FOUR: ANGELINA IS WASTING AWAY SOMEBODY SAVE HER.......IM SERIOUS.
again according to the gossip dealers angelina jolie is rapidly losing weight and her appearance on the set of her latest movie is scaring her co-stars and producers alike. her weight has apparently dropped to 95 pounds and her body fat is at a approximately 4%. my first thought upon reading this was 'i'll bet brad loves laying pipe to a sack of antlers ha ha.' im going to give this my expert analysis because that's what you expect out of me. first off, hollywood along with the fashion world push for women to be skinny and anyone over 110 pounds is considered obese. this has been the nom de rigeur for quite a few years and the trend doesn't seem to be going away anytime soon. so while hollywood stars fight frantically to stay thin [resorting to dangerous tactics such as anorexia which jolie has suffered from in the past] and the stigma of being 'fat' drives average americans, specifically young girls, to maintain skeletal frames and to hate themselves for not being thin [again thin is somewhere around the 110 pound mark and a single ounce above that is considered to be obese and disgusting].
now i consider angelina jolie to be another fame monger and her track record for starring in horribly crappy movies speaks for itself but i consider her a prime victim of the hollywood star machine which will eventually spit her out and leave her high and dry. despite her humanitarian efforts reeking of shameless self promotion and her addiction to adopting kids from third world countries to be little more than glorified doll collecting, she is a human being i suppose, and has the means to seek out help. hopefully, she'll stop worrying about whether brad pitt stays with her or not and figures out that she LOOKS LIKE SHIT. now me being the suave gypsy fortune teller that i am, i'm pretty sure that she'll regain her once obese 115 pounds and get back to making headlines for kissing her brother on camera and wearing a vial of some dude's blood around her neck. for the time being she will continue to freak out america in her latest role as a scarecrow. but i must state again that this whole thing about fat versus thin needs to stop because it gives people a complex about themselves that they really shouldn't have. angelina needs to be a role model instead of a walking corpse.....but hey that's just me and my opinion. maybe she's adopting the kids so she can eat them. well maybe not sweet little maddox and his faux hawk. uh oh im digressing.
PART FIVE: PILLS VODKA AND COKE! WHAT MORE COULD YOU WANT?
im just gonna get this right out in the open immediately and say that in good ol cowlitz county lindsay lohan would fit right in. i am so puzzled by people's fascination with this spoiled brat piece of shit hag that i am losing sleep over it [not really but it sounded good]. she has an appetite for vodka and cocaine according to her pals and assistants. she treats her friends like shit when they wont buy her dope. she also is notorious for telling them that she wont risk getting busted and that her non complying friends can be easily tossed aside. drunk driving and failed stints in rehab are on the resume for this actress these days. now i consider lindsay lohan to be the lowest common denominator in the actress sweepstakes with her raspy voice and questionable acting skills. fellow co-stars describe her as a pain in the ass and a person that is somewhat unpleasant to be around. i can only imagine how she abuses the on set assistants and key grips.(5) i can also imagine her being in a state of constantly coming down from a coke binge and always ready for the next fix. the one thing i find most amusing is the story about her snorting a rail off a toilet seat now that my friends is hot. HOT FUCKIN STUFF. as i gaze into my crystal ball you can expect more of the same from ol' firecrotch (6) more fuck sessions with no name rock and roll guys in rehab and crashing her cars whenever she pleases and making more crappy movies. perhaps she will try her hand at singing again and kick us down another album of sugary pop crap. if anyone else was up to this kind of behavior [meaning you dear reader] you would be thrown in jail and left to rot. so next time you are staring mindlessly at the tv while 'access hollywood' is on you can rest assured that lindsay lohan will be popping up at some hollywood movie premiere talking to mark magrath and trying her best to play it straight whilst rambling on about how rehab has changed her life. just remember you cannot trust a full blown coke head even if she looks like she might reach out through the teev and touch your throbbing member. okay im rambling incoherently now...........ill just sum it up by saying FUCK YOU LINDSAY LOHAN I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE YOU AT AGE 40.
PART SIX: PARIS HILTON GOES TO JAIL........GOOD.
to me the worst of the worst belongs in her class all by herself. miss hilton is famous for.....................uh.........nothing really.(7) so what makes her so fascinating to people? her uncanny knack for getting into trouble constantly. now as of late there has been little scuttlebutt on what she's up to. it would seem that her 15 seconds in jail smartened her up to the ways of the world. but i gotta face facts and so do you, she will be back to fucking up for your entertainment soon enough. here is another coked up pig trying her best to make being a piece of shit seem cool to the youth of america. this my friends is no role model. yeah i know that she went on 'larry king live' and talked about how her experience in jail changed her life and that she now wants to be known for doing good things, but i just dont buy any of it. here's the rundown people she gets busted for d.u.i. this part seems appropriate, you fuck up and you get in trouble for it right? she was initially sentenced to 45 days in jail. so she does about 3 or 4 hours in a special section of the century regional detention facility. gets released because she can't take the claustrophobic feeling and some yoyo decided that it would be okay for her to do home confinement. the judge however orders her to go back to jail. she gets hauled back to the slammer (8) and does a couple of weeks [22 days to be precise]. the part that pisses me off is the talking heads [no not david byrne, jerry harrison, chris frantz, and tina weymouth famous for their hit 'burning down the house'] on 'greta van susteren' babbling on and on about how her sentence wasn't fair. WASN'T FAIR? she was on probation. her getting popped with a d.u.i while on probation while driving on a SUSPENED LISCENSE......this is what is called A FUCKIN PROBATION VIOLATION. you get extra time for that sort of thing. 22 days, the morons contended, wasn't fair based on the offense. well to be perfectly honest, if you look at her driving record and check out the laundry list of offenses you would plainly see that this bitch DONT KNOW HOW TO FUCKIN DRIVE. so the judge merely added it all up and gave her 45 days....of which she served the aforementioned 22 days. i dont see what's so unfair about that. i would have kept her ass in there forever. but then again that's why im not a judge cuz i'd just send people off to a supermax prison for shoplifting. now again she has claimed to see the error of her ways and apparently is involved in a court ordered rehab program of some sort. im fairly impressed by the fact that her rehab experience isn't being used by her to gain more attention. she seems to genuinely want to do good but here's the fuck up for miss hilton, she told larry king that she wanted to go to rwanda [check a fuckin map stupid] and help raise awareness about the struggles of the rwandan people. ugh. as jeff clayton so aptly sang 'it looks good for them to care'. im gonna sum this shit up by saying that she needs to stay away from automobiles when the situation requires her to actually pilot the goddamned thing, and she needs to stay the fuck out of africa.
PART SEVEN: I JUST NOTICED SOMETHING.
okay after proofreading this i noticed that i have been picking on the ladies quite a bit. what the hell is my problem? i just think there aren't as many interesting celebrity fuck ups that have penises that's all. the chicks seem to fuck up with greater frequency than the males but let me say that there are plenty of dunderheaded males with fat pockets and lots of time on their hands in tinsel town. the difference is that these dudes dont seem to fuck up with the same style and flair that the ladies do. personally what i think the deal is that there isn't enough interest in male celebs that screw up in public. unless they're michael jackson or phil spector [two class a weirdos] the men just dont have it up on the ladies im afraid. to help me with my research i checked the premiere hollywood gossip website run by queen of all media perez hilton.(9) despite there being brief mentions of ryan phillipe and david beckham there really wasn't much to work with. maybe there is a male celebrity goofball drought going on. below is a list of male celebs and my opinion of each [get ready for fun reading kids]:
russell crowe - hollywood tough guy likes to hit people with stuff. thinks he's a rock star but he's really another dick with questionable acting skills.
ben afleck - used to fuck j-lo now thinks he's a director. another arrogant punk. hasn't done a good movie since 'dazed and confused'.
ryan phillipe - who?
jake gyllenhal - i cant even spell his fuckin name. who cares?
owen wilson - his favorite activity is attempting suicide. always plays characters that have lower than average intelligence.
brad pitt - the current main man on the hollywood gossip circuit. likes to fuck a skeleton.
pete doherty - some limey singer asshole that enjoys coke and heroin. used to bang kate moss.
michael jackson - likes to fuck kids in the ass then pay off the family. face is slowling falling off his skull. makes his kids wear veils. off his fuckin rocker. [editorial note: this column was written long before jackson's death.....i would never begrudge the man's talents with regards to entertainment his odd behavior is what i believe caused his death].
robert blake - hated his gold digger wife and killed her. bitchin.
phil spector - pointed a gun at dee dee ramone during a recording session. blew some bitch's head off last year. hair of the gods.
matthew mcconaughey - ran through a hotel with his wang hanging out. likes playing bongos and smoking weed. unfortunately not enough like his 'dazed and confused' character david wooderson, which it should be noted he should be in real life 24 hours a day. easy on the leather man.
simon cowell - the evil judge on 'american idol' guaranteed is an arrogant dick.
david beckham - limey soccer player getting paid the big bux to play here in the u.s. my latino friends want to see him get his legs broken on the soccer field and love it when he gets punked by the superior vato ballers. grossly overpaid. married to a corpse or an android.
keifer sutherland - the hardest working spy on tv also finds the time to get completely tossed and drive drunk about every other weekend. how does he do it?
charlie sheen - drinks and drugs like a motherfucker loves to fuck hookers and hates his ex wife. classy.
alec baldwin - aging fat bastard that hates his daughter and actually had the balls to call her a pig in a tape recorded conversation. you know this guy is a bitter drunk.
dog the bounty hunter - used the 'N' word in a tape recorded phone conversation that his son sold to the tabloids. appologized emphatically on 'hannity and colmes'. for some reason despite his racial slur, he seems like a pretty cool guy. the mullet is godly. calls himself 'uncle dog' when addressing children. bitchin.
tom cruise - when is this goofy sonofabitch gonna just leap out of the closet already? the more i see of him the more im convinced he's a closet homo. notorious as of late for being an overbearing jerk to his wife katie holmes. thinks he can pick and choose the acting roles she accepts while he continues on his road to sucksville with one shitty movie after another.
okay so you get my drift right? there just isn't anything really remarkable going on with the dudes. im not gonna appologize for being so harsh on the celebrities of the female persuasion. they are just so out there all the time ready for the cameras to capture their every stupid move. i cannot explain it at all, maybe it's some sort of psychological thing that enables them to be portrayed as nutty losers with no moral sense. really i just think the female celebs believe and live by the old axiom that 'bad publicity is good publicity'. who knows? who really fuckin cares? needless to say i just cannot avert my eyes when some fool like nicole ritchie endangers her unborn child with her non-stop partying and shitty diet habits. or rosie o'donnell running her suck every 5 minutes. or danny devito appearing on 'the view' completely blitzed out of his mind. or how about eddie murphy picking up on trannies. or pro wrestler chris benoit corpsing his family and then himself. or lindsay lohan's mug shot where her crank sores are clearly visible. or ellen degeneres crying on tv about someone's dog. or scooter libby getting his prison sentence commuted by good buddy george bush. i just cannot get enough. it makes me want to pull my hair out but i am a junkie in search of a good old fashioned american fix. bring me tabloids. bring me mark magrath. bring me greta van susteren. give me more o'reilly factor. i hate myself for thinking this stuff is hilarious, but i cannot stop. hi my name is chuck roast and i'm an addict.
PART EIGHT: RIDE IT OR WEAR IT YOU FUCKER!
ive been threatening this for awhile but i see a bit too much of it not to comment on it. when did skateboards become a fashion accessory? more and more i see you little no good disciples of bam margera and avenged sevenfold with your little outfits on and your cute little hairdos wandering about my community toting your cute little skateboard around like it's a textbook. im gonna break it down for you: it has 4 wheels and you propel it with your feet. it was never intended as a means to compliment your wardrobe. got it douchebag? it's a means of transportation. and.........AND.......with practice you can do neat lil' tricks with it. some of you are acting like you are practicing for your future jobs as road construction workers. what do i mean? simple. you and your cute metrosexual skateboard buddies hang out at the skate park holding your decks in your hands looking cool while one 'real' skateboarder schools your asses by A. actually riding his board and B. is practiced and dedicated enough to do tricks. see? just like road construction one guy does all the work while 5 of you stand there looking busy. so please follow uncle roast's advice and stop being such weinies. learn to ride or learn to wear a broken skateboard as a hat the hard way.
PART NINE: VAN HALEN REUNION TICKETS ARE HOW MUCH??
you heard right muthafuckas the mighty van halen are back together and currently ripping up the united states. with frontman supreme david lee roth back at his rightful position and eddie's son wolfgang on bass(10) the kings of good time rock and roll are making headlines once again. having ditched former frontman [also the best jimmy buffett impersonator in the business] sammy hagar, the boys are scoring pussy and kicking out the classic hits. to me as a long time fan [damn near 30 years brotha] this is good news in an industry full of bullshit. im so stoked that van halen is back and ready to teach the kids a thing or two about how to really rock. i wanted desperately to get tickets and then it happened: i saw the prices. 3rd row seats were available through rose quarter dot com for a mere 1400 bux. WHAT THE FUCK?? for one ticket?? the nosebleed shit seats were going for 250 bux. THIS IS INSANITY. for those prices you should get a steak dinner, blowjob and some pussy from a hot piece of ass, a pound of weed, 5 cases of beer, some samsonite luggage, a year's supply of kraft macaroni and cheese, and breakfast in bed everyday for the rest of your fuckin life. ticket prices as we all know have gotten considerably higher over the years especially with the declining record industry and free downloads and yada yada yada. i mean fuck, i know i say stuff like 'id give my left testicle to see van halen or whoever' but, i shouldn't actually have to do that just to get a ticket. i just checked tickets west dot com and the darth vader of ticket sales ticketmaster to see how outrageous the prices are for various bands and here is what i found [bear in mind most of these i would never pay for in the first place but some of you fools probably would. whatever. these prices are minus the stupid service charge.]:
tool - $49.50
avenged sevenfold - $25.00 [this is part of the 'hot topic presents' tour.......im throwing up right now]
queens of the stone age - $26.00 [nope. k. pliz. thx.]
the wu tang clan - $40.00 (11)
king diamond - $23.00 (12)
new found glory - $23.00 [who? whatever.]
bon jovi - $53.00 / $99.50 / vip $1000.00 [the v.i.p. tix are where you get the blowjobs and free shit. i would hope. this is a prime example of complete insanity]
billy joel - $78.75 / $131.25 / $183.75 [so you can hear 'we didn't start the fire' totally worth it. pfffft.]
ween - $30.00 [i'd pay this price maybe.........MAYBE]
neil young - $57.00 / $97.00 / $157.00 [saw him in 91 for $25.00 and i got sonic youth out of the deal. fuck him. more like 'old man take a look at my wallet']
avril lavigne - $27.50 [im sure your parents can swing this one for ya.]
the misfits - $25.00 [to see jerry only and some other scabs???]
chris cornell - $33.00 [no.]
they might be giants - $22.00 [the best deal out of all of these.]
chevelle - $25.00 [uh.........no.]
tori amos - $38.50 / $48.50 [watch her grind her crotch while playing the piano. what a deal!!!!]
puddle of mud - $25.00 [hahahaha]
H.I.M. - $33.50 [you would have to kill me and then cart my lifeless corpse into the venue to see this goofball.]
dropkick murphys - $20.00 [this seems pretty reasonable cuz you shouldn't have to pay an arm and a leg for crap]
dashboard confessional - $28.50 [ill pay for a ticket if it comes with a box full of rotten tomatos.]
blue cheer - $12.00 [now this is the shit right here. great price for a great band.]
evanescence - $35.50 [you'd have to open your asshole wide open and let me pound you mercilessly and still give me money to see this godawful bullshit.]
coheed and cambria - $27.00 / $35.50 [no thanks. you couldn't pay me to see this shit.]
smashing pumpkins - $42.00 / $55.00 / $102.00 [i like them and all but this is fuckin ridiculous.]
ozzy osbourne and rob zombie - $47.50 / $57.00 / $76.00 [this seems suprisingly cheap but whatever]
hanson - $27.50 [for 'mmm bop' ?? i dont fuckin think so]
PART TEN: OTHER NEWS.
ive been recording for all my various projects as of late [as i said i would fuckers]. right now im about 10 songs deep into the latest chuck roast release 'true kult emo'. now i know you are probably thinking 'what the fuck is ol' emo hater roast doing calling his latest disc 'true kult EMO?' well ill put it this way, i thought it sounded funny. ill explain it for you. in the realm of extreme black metal [not living color....not james brown........not 24-7 spyz](13) the worthiest artists and bands are referred to as 'true kult'. for example 'dude that new darkthrone album is so kult.' other random metal dude says, 'no way braw the new gorgoroth is true kult'. ya follow me here? but anyhow one thing black metal fans do not refer to as 'true' or 'kult' is emo or metalcore [which they refer to as pussy music or 'fag' rock]. i figured what a sweet little play on words and hence came the title. the songs thus far are a bit more on the melancholy side this time around therefore pleasing you sad sacks that love that sort of thing. it also has that sweet home recorded sound that fans of basement black metal hold in the most unholiest of reverence. i have made no references to satan thus far so that may pose a problem for my album being held in high esteem as being 'true kult' and may be a bit too ironic for you dyed hair bandana back pocket sporters but i never said that i cater to anyone as i have always just wrote the songs as they happen and have never given a second thought to what other people think. of course i love to hear your comments, compliments, and complaints as i am an egomaniac but when im sitting with my guitar/notebook/microphone/and 16 track console things happen [bitchin things mind you] and i dont give a shit what anyone thinks of the end result. but nonetheless i will be progressing forward until this album feels done. i for one thus far couldn't be happier with the results [see for yourself www.myspace.com/chuckroast].
another fun project that i hold very near and dear to my heart is my collaboration with my best friend and companion hilarie hughes [check her out at www.myspace.com/hilariehughes]. we have several songs in the works and are constantly coming up with new titles and ideas. when our schedules are more freed up there will be a full length disc coming. we have a few shows coming up in which we will be playing songs from her vast catalog of songs and my deep vault of cuts along with our latest cover tunes and collaborations. get yourself a clue at www.myspace.com/dixiemattresscompany.
on the noise front [i know you all love noise so much.] i have been recording under my solo moniker of cracked dome. there are several releases in the works and i have been recording my most brutal stuff yet. ive been slowly working on this project for 12 years and finally getting a bit of recognition for it. i have a full length coming out on pointless blank records out of ontario canada, a full length release on maisson bruitt label out of paris france. i have several cassette releases coming out on such noteable labels as seattle washington's psychform, portland oregon's an alienated hominid, kelso washington's cute tapes, and eugene oregon's black and purple. also i have a split release coming out on deadline recordings with harsh noise megastar richard ramirez a.k.a black leather jesus. im fuckin stoked. scope out some ear rapers at www.myspace.com/noiseforthedevil.
END NOTES:
(1) just a bit of info. i dont hang out with brainless idiots. i hang out with a bunch of weirdos. there's a big difference.
(2) this was a joke. i have never bought preparation h. my asshole works just fine believe me, i just stuck my finger in there.
(3) although back in the day i thought that britney was a talentless puppet she was a fine lookin young thing with a pussy that was probably as tight as fort knox. i cannot however imagine that to be the case as of today. she is a parking lot for dicks and im sure upon first insertion you would find that along with the a.i.d.s. you'll most likely get, it probably feels like cold balogna or a country ham. with every subsequent paparazi pic that is taken the white trash in her shows all the more. she is north kelso at it's finest.
(4) actually with all the latest news about the spears-k fed brood having rotten teeth and shit filled britches, they give parents all across cowlitz county a reason to try and turn their lives around and those of their children. i doubt it but i've always been a dreamer. [cue 'home sweet home' by motley crue now pliz thx.]
(5) key grip - in us and canadian film making, the key grip is the chief grip on the set. like a foreman, the key grip directs a crew of grips, some with specialized skills such as dolly gripss, crane operators, camera car operators etc. in australia and new zealand the key grip generally owns the grip equipment, dollies, track, cranes, camera cars and insert trailers. additionally, the key grip is often the safety monitor of the film set, responsible for safety of all personnel in the presence of theatrical ballistics, pyrotechnics, stunts, and any other potentially dangerous situations and devices operated by other departments. i got the previous definition from wikipedia cuz i spent my entire life not knowing what the hell a key grip was. now i know and i feel cheated as i felt it was gonna be something really bitchin.
(6) the reference to 'ol firecrotch' comes from a quote by some no name bonehead that was riding in paris hilton's car. over the last few years lindsay and paris have had an on again off again friendship and when asked what he thought of poor ol' lindsay, no name was quoted as saying 'lindsay lohan is a firecrotch' paris can clearly be seen in the background laughing it up. goofy stuff.
(7) alright i guess i was being a bit unfair to poor paris. apparently her primary occupation is a model. along with her modeling stints she has been an actress [really?], singer [she really went places with that one], reality television star [the simple life with her pal nicole ritchie yet another example of why reality shows have hit the bottom of the barrel], jewelry designer [i dont think she can even design a rational thought much less cheap gaudy jewelery], slut [her 'one night in paris' home movie made a big splash by proving that she dont know how to fuck worth a shit. but then again to be a slut you dont have to know how to fuck or suck], drug taker [she's good at this one], poor driver [she's really good at this one. in fact she's an overachiever], money grubbing hag [she's an expert in this field].
(8) this incident spawned the infamous paris in tears photo that made headlines across the globe. well maybe not the globe but at least the u.s. i wonder if europeans are as obsessed over their celebs as we are?
(9) www.perezhilton.com - this dude tells it like it is. he isn't afraid to take cheap shots at celebrities no matter how big they are. good reading in between bouts of internet porn.
(10) i know some of the haters and doubters cannot handle the fact that eddie chose his son over longtime bassist and tennessee squire michael anthony. but anthony has explained to the press that he wasn't invited to rejoin van halen. this may be due to his alliance with sammy hagar whom eddie detests. you see they reunited back in 2004 with the van hagar lineup to disastrous results which stirred up alot of resentment between hagar and eddie. michael anthony has stated that he enjoys playing music with sammy and really didn't have much interest in coming back to van halen. in a bit of sweetness from someone whom wolfgang has to consider to be an uncle, anthony said that wolfgang is a good kid and a great bassist and hoped that the fans wouldn't be to hard on the 15 year old. my opinion is that although it would be much more bitchin' if mike was back on bass but we cant have all the things we want in life can we? wolfgang is in a position that most 15 year old boys would kill for........he's in van halen with his old man his uncle alex and uncle diamond dave kickin out 'everybody wants some' and 'romeo delight' to ecstatic fans the world over, getting hot chicks wanting to strip him of his virginity and the opportunity to make millions of dollars before he's even out of high school. way to go wolfie!
(11) would be interesting to see the wu in the live setting. i saw ol dirty bastard in 98 and he was drunker than shit. it was great. would enjoy watching inspecta deck kick out some lyrics. but 40 bux? good lord that's a lot of money.
(12) the full lineup for this show is cellador, leaves eyes, kreator, and king diamond. so for 23 bux you get the kings of german thrash in kreator and you get the king....king diamond that is. not a bad price for those two bands it's the other no name crap you gotta sit through to get to the promised land. so show up late and get the real shit that way you dont feel completely cheated.
(13) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_metal
anyhow that's all for this go round i hope you enjoyed it, if not you can go fuck yourself in the ass. stay tuned as i set my sights on my next target THIS FUCKIN ZINE. be ready as i SKEWER THE EDITORS. drink beer, fuck chicks, smoke weed, smoke cigs, and rock the fuck out. cheers. chuck roast.
send me your hate mail you pussies. headlesspymp@gmail.com
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