THINGS IM NOT FEELIN PART WHATEVERTHEFUCK:
greetings dickheads and emo dildos welcome to yet another chapter of 'entertain the retards.' its been awhile since you feasted your eyes on my delicious words and were given this delightful gift of good taste and real analysis. this will probably see the light of day in the far distant future knowing the track record of this zine so far. now dont get me wrong i love writing this colum i love the editors but lets face it: money is a going concern with the production of this zine. personally i think you ungrateful pimple faced goofballs should be ponying up extra bread to help in the production but i wouldn't dare ask you to part with your cigarette money. personally i dont think any of you have the slightest idea what it takes to get something like this off the ground. i mean fuck, look at the quality. this is a high tech zine here and shit costs big bux. i made my suggestions as to what i thought should be done to lower the production costs but they have pretty much fallen on deaf ears. my suggestion was to get away from this thicker paper and go to news print. why? BECAUSE ITS FUCKING CHEAPER THATS WHY!!![1] but anyways im just a lowly columnist for this here zine so it really isn't my place to try and convince people of stuff that they already know. i understand that people have their preferences when it comes to doing things in the creative realm, but when it damn near sends you into poverty there has to be another way [and lets not mention that a large gap in issues only leads to some out of date reading. hence why i tackle universal topics. you're welcome].....just sayin. hopefully as time goes on things will improve in regards to production costs and advertising. this can't happen without your help and since you are the ones who buy it and allow us to fill your empty heads with our versions of cool should feel this strong sense of wanting to help out. AH FUCK IT!!!
OCTUMOM IS AT IT AGAIN.
this one really gets me fucking steamed. so some broad with questionable mental capacity, questionable income, questionable living habits, and a strong fixation on angelina jolie can spend thousands of dollars to have reproductive therapy [or whatever they call it....who cares?] thus enabling this nut to give birth to EIGHT FUCKING KIDS!!!! on top of that she already has six from her other round of in vitro activities. FOURTEEN KIDS!!!! who the hell has 14 kids anymore other than seventh day adventists or mormons? no one in their right mind has that many kids im sorry. anyone who thinks this is okay is obviously off their rocker. there are several questions i would like to ask with regards to this abominable situation. gear up kids here it comes.......
ROASTER'S INTERVIEW WITH OCTUMOM
1. what the fuck is wrong with you? [this one would probably have her bailing out immediately]
2. do you feel like you are abusing the privilege of childbirth by means of medical intervention? [i certainly do. what doctor allows such a thing to take place? especially after she has plastic surgery to make her look more like angelina jolie therefore further revealing her baby obsessions[2]]
3. where is your money coming from? [i mean...unless shes an escort or a dope dealer......seriously where the fuck? her parents are allegedly wealthy but what parent allows their daughter to indulge in such sport?]
4. did anyone ever try and tell you that having gaggles of children is probably a bad idea? [psychiatrists or doctor or social worker or circus clown or anyone???]
5. was this done in an effort to become famous? [this bitch got offered a reality show, has paparazzi photographers following her everywhere, even porn company vivid video offered her a grip of cash to get naked and fuck. what in the hell?]
this type of thing drives me batshit fucking crazy; all this baby obsessing. you cant even stand in line at the grocery store without having to look at some hot celeb and her fat distorted belly full of future spoiled self entitled cocksuckers. BABY WATCH: JENNIFER ANISTON AND REESE WITHERSPOON. who gives a fuck? have your babies and shut up. this woman and her abnormal obsession is a disgrace to women. i believe that people are free to do whatever they want especially when it comes to their health or lack thereof BUT......this is going too far. especially when you factor in the media's coverage of it i.e. nancy grace[3] and doctor phil. while im thinking about it; what the hell is gloria allred doing hovering around? go chase some ambulances bitch and mind your business. actually....allred and doctor phil convinced this deranged baby factory to accept their offer of free nanny service, which she has since dismissed. this dismissal comes amid criticism that the nannies octumom hired are infected with tuberculosis. whatever. this situation is sick and there is absolutely NO POSSIBLE WAY you could convince me otherwise. she's a crazed fan of angelina jolie and has gone so far as to adopt jolie's child collecting habit. where is brad pitt in all of this? fuck him too.
MANISTON
okay.....so the media has a wondrous way of dumbing things down to the lowest common denominator so people like YOU AND YOUR PARENTS can figure it out. what started as quirky puns on the front of variety magazine back in the good old days BING BANGS BIMBO HOLLYWOOD BANANAS BOO BOO has now been reduced to ridiculous play on name schemes such as BRANGELINA and MANISTON and BENNIFER and of course OCTUMOM. now i know how alot of you love the idea of a good mash up[4] but do they all have to be so stupid? i dont know why i give a shit but it just bugs me. it's annoying and you shouldn't have to put up with this sort of thing. the other one that drives me crazy is the need to put the word GATE on everything. it's done as a way of identifying something as being controversial ala watergate. unfortunately everytime they slime the GATE on the end of whatever word they wish to demonize IT'S NEVER A BIG DEAL!!!! EVER!!!! some talking head on CNN was talking about the big hubbub about the annual whitehouse easter egg hunt and they referred to it as EASTER EGG GATE. why? i dont know, something to do with demand exceeding supply so they have to charge a thousand dollars a ticket. so now we are attempting to equate one of the biggest political scandals in history to an easter egg hunt. sometimes i wonder about the media. actually i wonder about the media all the time but i was just trying to seem like a reasonable person.
BOWEL MOVIES [a.k.a. seth rogaine and michael cera can both eat my ass]
have you seen any good movies lately? neither have i so fuck it. actually i went and saw THE WRESTLER and that was easily one of the greatest movies i have ever watched. finally one gem in amongst the grimy smelly turds that most of you go see on a friday night before the big hang out sesh at the jack in the box parking lot. ANYWAYS.........i expect nothing out of movies anymore seeing as how every other movie is a remake of something that DIDN'T NEED A REMAKE IN THE FIRST PLACE or has the horrendous untalent of some no account rube like seth rogen / sean william scott / michael cera / or jason statham[5]. you know what im talking about; some movie that has alot of gratuitous fart jokes / titty shots / shit blowing up / and really bad acting. now before you accuse me of not liking tits let me state i like tits just fine but there needs to be a plot somewhere in amongst all the burps farts and WE'VE GOT BUSH type humor[6]. how many more movies have to have this sort of silly frathouse humour? but ill make a concession to hollywood right now: ILL LET THE SHITTY GOOFBALL COMEDIES AND JOCK ORIENTED ALPHA MALE ACTION FLICKS SLIDE [along with the equally obnoxious parody movies] IF YOU COULD JUST BREAK YOUR DEPENDENCE ON REMAKES. stop the remakes. and stop with the relentless search for movies you can remake. all it is to me is a quest for some no talent asshole in a suit to try and essentially ruin a classic movie. let me put it this way; no one has gone and tried to do a remake of THE MONA LISA. there are rumblings that they are going to remake 'cannibal holocaust' and 'i spit on your grave'. i say this: ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MINDS?? haven't you stuffed suits done enough damage to some of my favorite blood splattered classics? apparently not.
ill put it like this for you thicks that dont get it; i dont go to movies unless its something i feel is going to be good......really good. i understand my personal tastes and let me say for the record that I AM RARELY WRONG!!! i will not go do something that i can feel way down in my gut is going to be a waste of time and money....wont do it. my friends go out and take the risks for me, bless their hearts. so when JOE DEAL sends me a text talking about how the FRIDAY THE 13TH remake is a piece of garbage it only enhances my position on the fucking thing in the first place. i text him back immediately and tell him 'you actually went to see that?' i dont pitch shit on my friends for things such as movies, their tastes are their own and i can't fault them for being weak at times. we all succumb to the will of the market place. i have just become very good at avoiding the pitfalls of what can only be seen as a creative vacuum in all things related to the arts. there are countless writers and idea people all over this country toiling away in obscurity or in semi obscurity writing the manuscript for a potential theatrical goldmine yet the movie companies continue to force these inept comedies and horrid remakes on a public that either blindly accepts it because they dont have any imagination or flat out loves it because they dont have any imagination [lets not mention the lack of brain activity......shhhh]. i dont like it. i dont love it. and i refuse to waste my time and money. id rather watch an animal carcass decay. a dog taking a shit is funnier than michael cera.[7] my shit-o-meter is always working overtime, i will not be duped.
IT'S WRESTLEMANIA TIME AGAIN
now that i have got the random shit out of the way, im going to talk a little wrestling. you mind? i dont give a rip if you do so here goes. i have been a wrestling fan for 25+ years and consider myself not only a fan but a historian and connoiseur. for many people wrestlemania is the superbowl of wrestling, the biggest event of the year. for feuding combatants it is the chance to settle the score, close the book on old foes, win titles, and kick someone's ass. in 2003 i had the opportunity to go to wrestlemania 19 which was in seattle at safeco field. for me, going to mania was a given, i considered it a quest that i had no choice but to undertake. for muslims, it is reccomended that they make a pilgrimage to mecca at least once in their lifetimes to affirm their faith in their religion. i considered wrestlemania 19 to be my personal pilgrimage to a mecca filled with other true believers. this was a chance to cement my unwavering support for this theatrically based sport[8] and be a part of a national institution that draws millions of fans each and every year. i was very fortunate to not only just BE THERE but to witness one of the most stacked cards[9] i have ever witnessed.
THE WRESTLEMANIA 19 CARD [an my expert analysis of each match]
it used to be that on days of pay per view events, WWE has their one hour sunday night heat program to further hype the matches that you will see on ppv. so the first match that i saw that day was not a part of the official wrestlemania card but was simply a warm up to the actual event.
1. the dudley boyz vs. rob van dam and kane [tag team title match] - with the dudleys playing the reluctant heels due to their association with perennial villian general manager eric bischoff, they attempted and failed to take the tag team belts away from the odd couple of van dam and kane. im a big dudley boyz fan so it was cool to see them in action.
2. rey mysterio vs. matt hardy [cruiserweight title match] - the first official match of wrestlemania was a fairly short affair between two highly skilled performers. i got robbed of a mysterio title win thanks to matt hardy's pal shannon moore. lame.
3. undertaker and nathan jones vs. big show and a-train - nathan jones [yeah i know........who?] got pearl harbored by show and train during sunday night heat which left undertaker alone against two big muh fuckers. should have been a way better match than it was. undertaker got the win [of course.....he always wins at mania]. limp bizkit played 'rollin' it was loud. this was during taker's 'american bad-ass' phase....complete with harley and an american flag a'flappin in the breeze.....very marlboro man style.
4. victoria vs. trish stratus vs. jazz [womens championship] - im not much into chick matches but whatever. you get to see some good lookin chicks rolling around is always good for a little pervy peek..........then a piss break [10]
5. charlie haas and shelton benjamin vs. eddie and chavo guerrero vs. chris benoit and rhyno [wwe tag team title match] - 3 great teams and one of the last glimmers of vince mcmahon giving half a fuck about tag team wrestling. the tag scene hasn't been relevant since this match. it's a pity because tag team wrestling is an art in and of itself and can be a major part of any card if done right. this is an example of done right. haas and benjamin held onto the straps by the way.
6. shawn michaels vs. chris jericho - oh yeah. this was one of the greatest matches i have ever seen and ranks high on the list of must see matches for anyone thinking about getting into wrestling as a profession. no titles on the line just two dudes that are hellbent on proving who is the best. this was 20 minutes of classic action. i liken this one to steamboat vs. savage at wrestlemania 3. michaels getting the win was great but jericho delivering the shot to the nuts in an act of heelish poor sportsmanship was the icing on the cake. these two are still hating each others guts 6 years later and their feud is now the stuff of legend.
7. triple h vs. booker t [world title match] - the buildup to this match in the weeks leading up to mania were done to perfection. the arrogant champion triple h under the guidance of ric flair publicly ridicule booker's wcw championship reigns as being a joke, also taking particular stabs at his youth when he was a gangbanger, and even some cheap jabs at his skin color. booker responds by handing triple h some serious ass whippings, which take a toll on h's confidence. this match was a competent affair with trips pulling out an indian deathlock [which broadcaster jim ross makes note of with great suprise....just like me] and eventually squeezing out a win. the highlight for me was seeing ric flair in person and watching him get visibly irritated by the camera man.
8. hulk hogan vs. vince mcmahon [street fight] - in my youth i found the goody two shoes act of the hulkster to be jack shit compared to the limosine ridin, jet flyin, kiss stealin, wheelin dealin ways of ric flair. however, in 2003 i couldn't help but be stoked about seeing the hulkster coming out and air guitaring his way to the ring and then proceding to engage in a very violent and bloody match with the evil boss vince mcmahon. this was played out perfectly in the weeks leading up to the match with mcmahon claiming that he invented hulkamania [which he has a very legit claim to say] and the hulkster claiming that it was the fans that created hulkamania. mcmahon added further heat by addressing the steroids trial that hogan had testified at [if mcmahon had been convicted he would have still been in prison]. in the mind of mcmahon, hogan was a traitor who not only testified against him, but had betrayed him by signing a contract with rival promotion world championship wrestling. Hogan had put his career on the line in this match and vince vowed to end hulkamania forever [you can see where this is going right?]. so let me paint a picture for you: two middle aged men, one not even a wrestler, sounds like a recipe for disaster dont it? wrong. these two beat the dogshit out of each other until both were bloody. THEN..........out comes RODDY FUCKING PIPER [out of the crowd no less] to deliver a vicious shot with a pipe to the back of hogan's head. the eventual hulk up was phenomenal especially when he realized how bloody he was. big boot, leg drop, 1-2-3. hogan won. i was a hulkamaniac for about 15 minutes so fucking sue me.
9. steve austin vs. the rock - this was stone cold's last professional match. sure he's drank some beers and stunned a few people here and there but as far as actual wrestling, his career ended at mania. this was my favorite match of the night: two superstars, no titles, just the final chapter, who is THEE best. this was the 3rd time that these two had fought at mania and in the first two meetings the rock came out with the short end of the stick. the rock was on a quest to finally do the one thing that he HADN'T done yet which was beat austin at wrestlemania. this is how it's done; a story told in the ring. the build up to this match was done without fanfare, added props, third parties, backstage skits or any extra trimmings or trappings. the end of a rivalry. austin took the loss, but it took a shitload of people's elbows and rock bottoms to do it. a true thing of beauty.
10. brock lesnar vs. kurt angle [wwe championship match] - the main event baby. one of the few matches that looks so good on paper you can't even believe it. angle, the champion, an olympic gold medalist in freestyle wrestling, one of the biggest stars in wrestling history. lesnar, ncaa national champion in freestyle wrestling, and all around monster. two legitimate athletes going head to head. i was looking forward to this match and it of course delivered all the mat wrestling and chain wrestling that the purists love all while putting on a pro wrestling show. the most shocking moment was when a clearly exhausted lesnar attempted to do a shooting star press [a move that he had done countless times on the indie circuit but hadn't utilized in his short wwe career] and then landing on his face, leaving him with a serious concussion which required that angle walk a visibly unconcious lesnar through the closing moments of the match. angle lost the belt in convincing fashion. totally classic.
MY PREDICTIONS
so now that you have read about my personal wrestlemania experience i will now apply my expertise in predicting who will win and lose at wrestlemania 25. with each match listed you will get my prediction and who actually won[11]. it is at wrestlemania where the pace is set for the rest of the year. not only do rivalries and feuds end but new ones will begin. especially if there are any sore losers. so here you go:
DARK MATCH: TAG TEAM TITLE UNIFICATION MATCH - the miz and john morrison vs. carlito and primo colon - this was bumped off the pay per view so that kid rock could get ample time to not rock the house [which he didn't cuz he sucks]. if i was any of these competitors i would have worked that goofy asshole over in the parking lot after the show. vince mcmahon doesn't care about tag team wrestling. nevertheless carlito and primo won the match [and it was a great classic tag match] and the unified titles [they have 4 belts between the two of em.] this match should serve as a reminder that the FANS still care about tag team wrestling. the fact that vince bumped this match in favor of a has been like kid rock really pisses me off to no end....fuckin cocksucker.
1. MONEY IN THE BANK LADDER MATCH - cm punk vs. kofi kingston vs. mvp vs. shelton benjamin vs. kane vs. mark henry vs. finlay vs. christian: the premise is simple: climb a ladder and get the briefcase hanging on a hook. inside the briefcase is a contract for a championship match that the winner can cash in at any time within a year against whatever champion said winner wishes to challenge. i personally hate this match and think it's simply a way for the mid card guys to fly around the ring and break tables and fall off of ladders. im not into spot fests[12] and my pick to win this match was MVP who has steadily been catching on as of late. to me he reminds me of a more gangsta version of the rock. he's a dude that could use a world title boost. i knew that the fat and old guys were not going to play a role in this match whatsoever. and of course they didn't. in the end it was CM PUNK that took the win. he has since cashed it in on jeff hardy and as of last night is the new world champion. punk is okay i guess. [quick update: CM PUNK has since turned heel and is now one of the most hated dudes on tv today. p.s. mark henry is a big time fan favorite who is out there smiling like he's just took a fat hit off a blunt and all while beating the living shit out of whoever is in his way.....a world title win is in his destiny. i love sexual chocolate.]
2. 25 DIVA BATTLE ROYAL TO DETERMINE THE FIRST EVER MISS WRESTLEMANIA - thanks to the WWE i think womens wrestling is a joke of epic proportions. at first i heard that some old faves were coming back such as wendi richter, tammy lynn sytch, and lita. 90% of the bitches invited declined so that really just leaves the modern day divas such as kelly kelly, maryse, ad nauseum. i picked no one to win this since i didn't give a fuck to begin with. mercifully they cut out the kid rock performance from the dvd which was a major plus. most of the women in WWE CANNOT wrestle but are merely blonde chicks with big tits trying very not so hard to look like they are fighting. in the end it was a cross dressing itallian dude who won. not that it matters. buy the dvd and have the pleasure of skipping this sorry excuse for entertainment.
3. 3 ON 1 HANDICAP ELIMINATION MATCH - rowdy roddy piper, jimmy 'superfly' snuka, and ricky 'the dragon' steamboat vs. chris jericho - the weeks leading up to mania saw the ayatolla of rocka rolla berating old school wrestling legends by the score. this violent streak was prompted by an off hand challenge made by actor mickey rourke. to make a long story short i figured that jericho would get beat up but he'd still pull out the win. upon watching the actual event i was floored at how amazingly good ricky steamboat looked and performed. he hadn't been in a ring in well over a decade but it didn't show as he pulled out all the old steamboat trademarks: the chops, flying off the ropes, and classic grappling. he was so good in fact that he's doing a series of matches with jericho all summer long. jericho eventually eliminated all three of his opponents [snuka could have been eliminated by a light breeze......that fucker has no business being near a ring in any capacity and while piper was slightly better his days are clearly behind him] and took the win. mickey rourke did get in the ring and put jericho down with a stiff shot to the jaw which was pretty cool. essential for steamboat and rourke. fucking steamboat holy shit did he bring his A game.
4. EXTREME RULES MATCH - matt hardy vs. jeff hardy - i had no predictions. didn't really care. matt hardy won while jeff got the last laugh by putting his brother through a table. match was pretty decent but i dont really remember what happened. lots of tables and ladders and the like as is customary with any match with these two in it. why is it that i didn't care about this match as much as i should have? fuck if i know.
5. INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH - JBL vs. rey mysterio - i was pulling for a JBL win and him retiring as the intercontinental champion. what actually happened was 40 seconds of JBL losing and then quitting wrestling empty handed. dont get it. i had hopes but was denied. being denied by vince mcmahon and his writing team is a regular thing for me.
6. UNDERTAKER VS. SHAWN MICHAELS - undertaker's winning streak at wrestlemania is a major record that wont ever be broken no matter what. while this match had much intrigue for me simply because while undertaker hasn't been beat at mania he has NEVER beat shawn michaels. to me michaels is one of the top performers of all time. i put him right up there in the pantheon with ric flair and other legends who not only could work a great match with anyone but could also get on the mic and cut a promo that would draw you in. the build up for this was heavy on kitschy skits i.e. shawn hanging out in the 'graveyard' and kicking over the undertaker's tombstone into an open grave. despite some over the top moments, there was plenty of in ring psych outs from both competitors leading up to the match itself. i was really sitting on the fence about calling a winner but went ahead and picked taker for the win. why? well simply put if taker is ever going to lose at mania he will most likely lose to a young up and comer who can truly benefit from the rub that a mania win over the deadman would surely deliver. shawn's status as a certified legend is no doubt assured [debate me if you'd like but the bottom line is michaels has won just about every title there is to win and is a multi-time world champion. he has charisma skill and credibility and an epic resume so puff on that baby] and he doesn't need to break the streak in order to cement his already legendary reputation. michaels can go into this match and lose and come off as just as big of a winner as the undertaker. so what happened? they tore the fucking house down is what happened. 20 plus minutes of near falls and attempt after attempt to finish each other off. the dead man did in fact come out on top on this one but as i stated previously: they both came out looking like a million bucks. up and coming wrestlers need to look at matches such as these and see how it's really done.
TRIPLE THREAT MATCH FOR THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP - edge vs. john cena vs. big show - i was really pulling for the big show for the win since he really hasn't had a world title run for quite some time and quite frankly i dont particularly care about john cena. maybe if i was a 5 year old kid i might give a fuck. cena is the 2000 version of hulkamania. until he turns heel and grows a coffee ground beard i will not root for him. i really think edge is one of the top heels in all of wrestling but he could do without the strap for a while and focus on some new feuds or perhaps a team up with his old buddy christian. there was no way whatsoever that this match was going to measure up to the pure glory of taker vs. michaels no matter what these three were to attempt [well maybe if they killed each other with uzi's that might top it but that wasn't going to happen]. in the end it was hulk cena for the win. boooooo motherfucker booooooooooo!!!!!!!!
WWE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH - triple h vs. randy orton - i hate randy orton and cant stand his cowardly heel gimmick as he reminds me of a catatonic retard half the time. triple h's whole aura has been stale for nearly ten years. i didn't care who won this match. the lead up to this was a few months in the making with orton taking out triple h's family [the mcmahon family yada yada yada] and then knocking out stephanie mcmahon and kissing her while she lay unconscious and triple zzzz sat by while handcuffed to the ring ropes. then there's the skit where randy is doing an interview via satellite from his 'home' with his 'wife' sitting at his side. h busts in the door and proceeds to demolish the house [i was so pissed off at all the inconsistencies in the feasibility of this ever happening in real life that i probably could have had a stroke.... more on this bullshit later]. so anyhow i didnt pick anyone for the win but did predict that this match was going to be a real tedious watch to be sure as these two have wrestled each other more than a few times in the past. come match time as expected it was the unabashed snoozefest that i had envisioned with triple h getting the win and retaining his title. see my rants about this feud below.[13]
OKAY......SO..............WHAT DO I REALLY THINK? i think wrestling has gone stale. plain and simple. i still watch it ocassionally and always come away feeling like i could have done something far better with my time. WWE is the largest wrestling company in the world but the product has gotten so piss poor that they can hardly be called innovators in the world of wrestling. so where does that leave us? TNA? i dont fucking think so. i could run a fairly extensive list of all the faults that both companies exhibit on regular basis. philadelphia based promotion ring of honor seems to be the number 3 company in the wrestling universe and the product that they produce is consistently top notch with 95% of the action and story telling taking place in the ring. again all the stuff i have seen from ring of honor is worlds away from the nap time action of WWE or TNA. how can this be? simple. the folks at ring of honor care about what sort of wrestling product they present to their audience. WWE is so preoccupied with trying to gain mainstream acceptance that they lose sight of what they are in business for in the first goddamned place. TNA isn't any better with the convoluted booking and hideous storylines and their obvious riding of WWE's coattails. ring of honor lives by the old verne gagne[14] saying 'THE SIGN ON THE MARQUEE SAYS WRESTLING' and that is what ROH gives to the wrestling fans. what a fucking concept. WWE needs to stop selling me crappy movies, issues of playboy featuring the latest no talent WWE diva spreading her cooze, cd's with theme music [who listens to these seriously.........i mean SERIOUSLY???] and jeff hardy panty hose gloves and give the people what they really want............SOME FUCKING WRESTLING!!!!! so instead of endlessly complaining about this fake sport [yeah i said it.........and guess what............there isn't a santa claus neither so eat my shit caked jockeys] i will instead list a few things that I, CHUCK ROAST [wrestling fan and historian] would like to see in the wrestling product. so hey....WWE........instead of pretending that you are still the leaders in 'sports entertainment' you should try and listen to some real experts such as myself. hiring freddie prinze jr as a writer for your shows isn't going to help [and of course it hasn't and he has since gone back to hollywood to make more crapola for the silver screen] you need to hire me. id do it for a fraction of the cost that you pay these pulp fucking writers that don't know jack shit about wrestling. to me........wrestling should be written by people who understand and appreciate the concept of wrestling. call me crazy but it takes passion to create something worthwhile. oh fuck it i dont know..........just read the following [i mean shit you've read this far so you might as well keep on going.....learning never hurt anyone..........well maybe not anyone..........but i digress].
WHAT CHUCK ROAST WANTS AND DONT WANTS ABOUT WRESTLING: [an exercise in bitching and moaning........and providing practical solutions to pop culture problems a.k.a. you need this]
special note: i will mainly address problems that i see with WWE since they are the largest company. this should however serve as a reminder to lazy companies like TNA to get their fucking shit together........both companies are exposed to a much wider base of viewers and are both equally guilty of the same crimes. thx and fuck you.
1. LIGHTING - lets just cut to the goddamned chase here.....i dont need or want to see the fans. i dont want to see their empty expressions, their git-r-done shirts, their horribly misspelled signs and banners, their stupid kids, their anything. case in point...........STARCADE 83..........ric flair vs. harley race NWA world title match. two wrestlers, a referee [former world champion gene kiniski for you trivia geeks] and a steel cage. the ring and cage is illuminated and the crowd is shrouded in darkness. my point is this..........THE STORY COMES ACROSS PERFECTLY and the crowd is never seen. the old school was all about the action in the ring, and you knew that if the product was good that there was a crowd there gettin into the action. you knew that the portland sports arena was filled to the rafters each and every week because the in ring action was so good that you HAD to be there. you HAD to watch it on tv. the same applies now: if the quality of wrestling is good then it's a given that there's an audience there to see it.........I JUST DON'T WANT TO SEE THEM. stop illuminating the mouth breathers and over zealous jocks and illuminate the product. PLEASE.
2. WRITING - WWE and TNA both go about this all wrong..........they hire writers from the world of network television. my theory is this: the guy that writes episodes of 'law and order' writes episodes of 'law and order'. he knows cops and robbers. yes wrestling is often based on good guy bad guy scenarios but it is much deeper than that [im fucking crazy huh?]. what im saying is that these wrestling shows such as RAW and SMACKDOWN and TNA IMPACT believe that they are the same type of shows that 'law and order' are. they believe that they are 'episodic' television. wrestling shows are not refered to as EPISODES. you want to know who said 'did you watch the last episode of raw?' ill tell you who said that..........NOBODY. no wrestling fan that i have ever met speaks of watching 'episodes' of wrestling shows. NOT ONE. not ever. why? because there is no season finale, no NEW season of SMACKDOWN, all the things that work on regular network tv shows do not work in terms of wrestling. stephen king is a great writer but unless he really really loves wrestling and understands the storyline mechanics of wrestling he couldn't possibly be good at writing a wrestling show. well.......maybe stephen king could write a wrestling show but how about some no name guy who wrote a few episodes of 'gray's anatomy'? let wrestlers write the script. let people who understand wrestling write wrestling. allow the wrestlers who actually have to go out and perform this stuff to have a little creative freedom. there seems to be an overriding sense that everything needs to be rushed. in the old days, storylines took months to play out, things were allowed to percolate naturally and explode when the time was right. nowadays, it seems like everything gets pushed out the door before it's ready and it lacks the effectiveness that it may otherwise have if it had been allowed to fullfill its potential. time to slow the pace of the storylines down and let the tension build a little bit and then when shit finally does hit the fan........it actually means something. i could go on and on and on about this shit but suffice it to say.........there needs to be a thorough assessment of who does the writing and how does it fit into what THE FANS actually want to see. i could go on a long tirade about vince russo [one of the great wrestling minds of all time....at one time] and all his stupid ideas such as putting the WCW title on david arquette [yes that david arquette] but i wont because you can do that on your own time. go to wikipedia and look up vince russo if you want to see the whole story.
3. STOP BEING SO FAKE - jesus fuckin h. christ. everytime i turn on shows like RAW i am horrified at how blatantly fake everything looks. ginger kicks and punches overtly choreographed fight routines where it looks like paula abdul planned the matches. i am fully aware that im talking about a fake sport not being so fake and that it sounds ridiculous but does it have to look so soft? alot of times it just looks sloppy and lazy, on top of it looking completely fake. can't there bit just a bit more crispness in the moves? cant things at least look like they hurt because they kinda do? part of this pussification comes from wrestlers not really understanding how to work a match. you see someone like shawn michaels gettin out there and making it look good......this is due to the fact that he actually cares. he knows what the fans expect and knows what the fans want to see. chris jericho is another fine example of a wrestler who understands what it means to make it look like it matters. part of the blame goes to promoters such as vince mcmahon wanting people to believe that it's all fake and it's just an episode of a show about fighting and these guys are practicing up for their big careers in hollywood. yeah vince i know what you want me to believe but what i think is that YOU ARE RUINING SOMETHING THAT I ACTUALLY LIKE AND IM TIRED OF IT. stop giving so much of a fuck about whether john cena aka hulk cena gets a busted lip or a black eye. it isn't going to hurt his movie career to get a few bumps and bruises simply because he really dont have a career in movies to begin with [the marine / 12 rounds are exhibits A and B respectively]. im tired of some of these primadonnas not giving out the maximum effort into their matches. the laziness shows and the fans see it and they shit on each and every sloppy move. come on and lay into each other, beat the dogshit out of each other, you dont have to kill each other, but at least put a little effort into it.
4. LESS PAY PER VIEWS - at this stage of the game between both WWE and TNA there are approximately 24 pay per views a year. that is alot of coin to be shelling out for less than stellar performances and lackluster action. in fact i will go so far as to say that it's a fucking waste of money. considering what the current product is asking for people to spend 30-40 bux a month for a ppv is asking an awful lot from people, especially during these tough economic times [i sound like i really care dont i?]. i really believe that there needs to be a serious scaling back of pay per views to perhaps 4 or 5 a year. for example: WWE could bust out ROYAL RUMBLE in january, WRESTLEMANIA in april, SUMMERSLAM in august, and SURVIVOR SERIES in november. this would allow the writers more time in between each pay per view to get storylines and feuds going and letting them build properly. at the current rate, along with writing for each 'episode' there is approximately 3 weeks between each pay per view event to get the storylines going where they need to be. how can this not seem rushed? slow the pace down and the in ring product will improve immediately. not only will you have happier fans but you will have return business on the pay per view front. i loved it back in the late 80's and early 90's when NWA / WCW used to have 'clash of the champions' which was a 3 hour extravaganza that had tons of great matches that you actually wanted to see and it was on regular television. FOR FREE. what's wrong with some free stuff vince? huh?
5. LESS CHAIRS AND LADDERS - if any of you had any guts and actually sent me hate mail which i have dared you to do since day fucking one this is where i would get it most likely. one of my favorite promotions of all time was ECW [15]. they had the best of everything when it came to wrestling: they had over the top violence, great scientific mat based wrestling, lucha libre, they really had a full spectrum of wrestling for all sorts of fans. even now, nearly a decade after they shut down permanently, i still believe that ECW is the perfect promotion and really showed off everything that i as a fan love about wrestling. if you dont know what im talking about i suggest you find some ECW footage on youtube or on dvd or something and get to studying immediately [special note.......the current incarnation of ECW that is run by vince mcmahon has fuck all to do with the original and doesn't even come within a mile of being remotely cool.....you naive rubes need to understand and steer clear of this obvious sham]. with all of that aside.....ECW made chair swinging and table breaking and ladder jumping off of a regular feature to its broadcasts and i have never had any complaints about that...... until now. back in the days of old, any use of a chair got you disqualified by the referee if you got caught, now wrestlers use chairs liberally right in front of the referee who never disqualifies anyone and puts up little to no resistance to its use. when you over do things such as chairs, tables and ladders you take away the impact of their use by desensitizing your audience. after awhile people become so hardened to chairs and such that it doesn't even mean anything anymore. this sort of violence should be used far more sparingly, this also goes for gratuitous use of high flying moves and cage matches. there used to be an adherence to the rules back in the day and now the rules are bent so far out of whack that they barely resemble rules. its time to get back to the referees actually maintaining the rules and disqualifying people for excessive use of violence. it was far cooler when ric flair would be choking the shit out of someone with some athletic tape and he had to obscure it from the referee in order to maim his opponent. if he got caught, he got disqualified, fuck it, he could always beat up ronnie garvin next week in another match, big deal. p.s. dear triple H...........LOSE THE FUCKING SLEDGEHAMMER!!!!!!
6. GIMMICK MATCHES ARE GAY - im going to try and keep this simple with an equation.........you ready? here goes: money in the bank + king of the mountain + triple threat matches + 4 way matches for the world title + monster's ball + ultimate x + miss wrestlemania diva battle royals + hog pen matches + interactive pay per views = one big pile of epic suck. stop it. my belief is that a world title [or other titles for that matter] should be contested in one on one matches. here again the reason they do these idiotic clusterfuck 3-4 way matches is because they dont have anything for one or more of the competitors to do. well........if they would learn how to write the fucking script and were allowed the time to come up with material one could easily find something for other wrestlers to do.
7. BACK STAGE SKITS ARE BULLSHIT - there doesn't need to be a camera in every nook and cranny of an arena. i dont know how many fucking times they have a backstage segment with wrestlers having conversations that are CLEARLY not meant to be on television. fuck all an opponent has to do is just watch a monitor and see what is being planned against him. OR........the randy orton interview from his 'home' in st. louis where he talks about what he's going to do to triple zzzzz. let me set this up for you............so there he is......on the couch with his 'wife' by his side and he's babblin on and on about this and that when all of a sudden [try to predict what happens next before i tell you what happens next.......ill give you a second to think it over] here comes triple h busting the door down all sweaty with his leather jacket and sledgehammer. a pointless chase goes on throughout the house with trips smashing shit and knocking stuff over and randy runs away [special note: with a look of fear etched on his face that is so over the top considering the the fact that he's well muscled and can defend himself just fine]. with every room that they conduct their keystone cops routine in there is always someone screaming and cowering in the background....im thinking to myself quite loudly: HOW MANY FUCKING PEOPLE LIVE IN THIS HOUSE? then...........THEN............here comes the capper: trips gets his hands on young pussified randy and tosses him through the picture window. pretty neat eh? not really since their was a camera man stationed on the outside of the window to capture the action from another angle. FUCKING STUPID!!!! then the cops show up and arrest triple h roll credits yada yada............pfffft. fucking retarded as hell. my question is this: did triple h show up with a camera crew of his own and say....okay dude you stand here and you follow me through the house and you go in before me to capture me kicking the door off the hinges. that would be the only logical explanation i can think of but even that reeks of stupidity. first off: it wasn't really orton's house [unless he lives in a house made of balsa wood and construction paper]. his wife wasn't really his wife but was some model hired to portray his wife [which leads me to question what orton's real life wife looks like]. the random people scattered through the house was possibly intended to imply that he...meaning orton....has servants. maybe. whatever they were there for is irrelevant since THEY DIDN'T NEED TO BE SHOWN. but really the big sticking point is the 'orton going through the glass window bit'. i guess it just comes from WWE's belief that everyone needs to be spoonfed the storylines since wrestling fans are all idiots. but......BUT........im a finicky veteran wrestling fan........i see shit like this and i roll my eyes and yell at my tv........i dont need to see where orton lands.........i can only assume that he's landing on grass. i mean fuck.........he isn't landing on a bed of spikes...........duh. and if he did you could just EXPLAIN that on tv next week. i dont need every nuance displayed for me. the only thing i need to see backstage is a dude holding a microphone while a wrestler yells into it before going out and caving someone's head in. thats it.......nothing else. i got a brain and i know how to read between the lines.
8. LET THE WRESTLERS TALK GODDAMN IT - everything is so scripted nowadays that it seems exactly that.......SCRIPTED. what the hell happened to the old days when ric flair could come out and let it all fly.........no cuss words no stumbling just pure entertainment. i remember turning on NWA wrestling when we first got cable and seeing the nature boy in all his glory [suit and sunglasses and world title in hand].......letting the fans know that he was the greatest and his opponents were clearly inferior sad sacks that couldn't hang. i remember seeing that and being HOOKED from the start. the art of the promo is lost on todays wrestlers. fuck the art of wrestling is lost on todays wrestlers. now i am positive that there are countless talented talkers out there on the indie scene, hell there are great talkers in the big time confines of WWE and TNA. however, these talents are muzzled by the likes of vince mcmahon in an effort to turn his talent into a bunch of superheros. making wrestlers say things they would never say is not the way to go, people see through that. with WWE going for the kiddie market as of late and ridding itself of anything remotely provocative in an effort to provide entertainment for the whole family, he has essentially neutered loudmouthed maestros such as chris jericho and edge making them say dumb fucking crap that no one says in real life. the only time you hear terms such as 'kick your butt' or 'sure as heck' or 'get your butt out of here' or 'no way in heck' is at church bbqs, other than that, real average americans talk about 'kicking ass' or 'kicking your ass' or 'get the hell out of here' et al. real americans use cuss words and slang. do i think all wrestlers should? no. but there is a time and a place for everything. if any of you remember the old ECW, you know damned well that wrestlers were free to say whatever they wanted to say and it made for a more realistic product. it's that simple, if you just let dudes say what's on their minds the story will come across as more down to earth and far more accessible to the average wrestling fan. if it's too edgy just bleep it out, id rather know that whoever is running the show allows their talent to be themselves rather than some square cartoon character. do you think shawn michaels is going to go too far when cutting an unscripted promo? probably but the fans will eat it up because it's honest, it's real. if i wanted to watch a puppet show i fucking would. im 36 years old not 5 so stop sparing me the vulgarities i can fucking handle it just fine thank you very little.
in the end my words and my ideas will fall on deaf ears as far as people like vince mcmahon go. ultimately i blame mcmahon for the undoing of wrestling in the first goddamned place. he was the one who came in and bought his father's company and then started his national expansion by strongarming promoters nationwide. he would buy up a promotion's talent until there was nothing left and then the promotion would then fail and disappear. mcmahon did this countless times, essentially doing away with the old territorial system which had served the nation's wrestling thirst since the early 20th century. if you want a great history lesson seek out the book 'national wrestling alliance: the untold story of the monopoly that strangled pro wrestling' by tim hornbaker. this book is a pretty deep read [meaning if you dont know how to read very good you should steer clear] that has stories of promoters from across the decades and across the globe. it also explains some of the promotional tactics of individuals such as vincent k. mcmahon, who's father vince sr. figures in prominently throughout the book. a must read for true wrestling afficionados.
again i gotta say that my ideas probably reflect those of a million individuals worldwide who are tired of being forcefed crap each and every week. back in the 80's i remember there was approximately 35 hours of wrestling programming on weekly and i watched every single second of it. there was WWF, NWA, AWA, PORTLAND WRESTLING and there was ladies wrestling too, the variety was wide and the action was primo. nowadays im not sure of how much wrestling is actually on tv on a weekly basis but it's probably not nearly as high and it's all orchestrated primarily by vince mcmahon. of course there are still a few exceptions where there are small promotions who have tv shows but they aren't getting shown here in good ol longview. basically what this all boils down to is that im bored of today's product. thankfully there is RING OF HONOR [16] who have great wrestling available on dvd so all hope isn't totally lost. plus i have a fairly large collection that i can dive into at any given time.
OKAY........so that ends this column for this go around. hope you enjoyed it but if you didn't i could give a fuck less. stay tuned for the next column of yummy smart goodness as i set my sights on some new target of scorn ridicule and analysis. the wheels are turning as i type this so be prepared. cheers.
debate me if you dare:
www.myspace.com/chuckroast
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ENDNOTES
[1] okay so apparently having stuff printed on newsprint isn't cheaper according to the editors. it was an avenue that was in fact explored but it didn't yield the cost cutting goods that i had envisioned. oh well. if this stuff dont get printed there is always other options of which we will explore at a later time.
[2] i have discussed jolie's obsession with giving birth to and adopting children. the difference between her and nadya sulemon is that jolie has the money to give these kids a good life. another famous child collector is mia farrow who used to ride woody allen's pud. the difference between mia and angelina is that while both women are famous and wealthy to the point of being able to provide for their children, jolie's will all most assuredly turn out to be a bunch of spoiled troublemakers running around thinking that the world should adore them, when they have in fact done jack shit to earn their own living. mia farrow however, seems smart enough to raise her kids to be doctors and cook book authors or something. well.......not all of them.....her daughter sun yi has been fucking woody allen for years [there goes my theory]. so where does that leave sulemon and her 14 spawns? who knows. im sure that the media will start reminding us when they start doing drugs and getting fucked by the neighbor kids. i thought they were going to stop talking about this chick several weeks ago [you know the whole 15 minutes of fame thing] but here i am still being bombarded by breaking news about her and her little band of mutants. personally i think they need to yank her uterus out and throw it into an incinerator so she'll stop abusing the fucking thing. i dont believe in god per se BUT........squeezin off babies in amounts reserved only for dogs is against the will of the invisible one. p.s. there is a musical that is playing right now that is based on this outrageous story but fortunately it is written by people who like me, see this for what it really is: FUCKED UP.
[3] nancy grace....holy shit where do i start with this one? i cannot believe how this woman can squeeze a news story for every scrap of nonsensical information for months on end and not get cancelled. she's been hung up on TOT MOM [there we go with the name thing again....fuckin media] casey anthony for damn near a year [10 years by the time this column sees the light of day.....and she will probably still be talking about it on her show then too] and she never seems to get tired of wearing it out. finally she started dividing her time between touting anthony's guilt and ruminating about some other missing child, so maybe she's starting to let go a bit. but then again everytime i think she's going to focus her energy on some other rape or kidnap case she goes right back to the safety of the TOT MOM. my take on the whole thing is this: THE CHICK HAD A KID, TRIED BEING A MOM [sort of]. FOUND OUT THAT PARENTING WAS CRAMPING HER STYLE. KILLED THE KID. TOSSED IT INTO THE SWAMP. BLAMED THE NANNY [which there wasn't one]. BITCH YOURE GUILTY END OF STORY THROW HER TO THE POISONOUS SNAKES. ROLL CREDITS. i could do that in one fucking episode. then the next night show all the illicit photos of her blowing a burrito or laying half dead next to the toilet while some dude is standing over her throwing gang signs. id have a celebrity panel featuring DR. HEATHEN SCUM. SICKIE WIFEBEATER. AND ERIC GIDNEY helping to assure the public of this broad's obvious guilt along with her obvious sexual appeal to meth heads all over florida.yeash.
[4] MASH UP jay z and linkin park. anthrax and public enemy. the most famous mash up of them all has to be run dmc and aerosmith doing 'walk this way' and over 20 years later i still think it holds up good. the 90s had some great mash ups especially on the JUDGEMENT NIGHT soundtrack which came out in 1993. this soundtrack is probably the only one i have ever owned [with notable exception going to clerks]. the concept was simple: take the hottest hip-hop artists and have them collaborate with the hottest rock acts. CHECK THIS SHIT OUT LIST #1
1. helmet / house of pain 'just another victim' [saw helmet do this live......totally choice]
2. teenage fanclub / de la soul 'fallin' [dont remember this cut but im sure it has alot more panache than most modern collabos]
3. living color / run dmc 'me myself and my microphone' [dont remember this one at all.]
4. biohazard / onyx 'judgement night' [this and 'slam' were part of my mix tape action during the summer.....i used to like biohazard. haha]
5. slayer / ice-t 'disorder' [awwww yeh. the o.g. and the most infamous band in the world....YOU CANNOT GO WRONG NUKKA]
6. faith no more / boo yaa tribe 'another body murdered' [another doozy]
7. sonic youth / cypress hill 'i love you mary jane' [second only to the slayer / ice-t collab....a great example of how it's done.]
8. mudhoney / sir mix alot 'freak mama' [seattle represented.......did you doubt? for the record....mix alot understands rock!]
9. dinosaur jr. / del the funky homosapien 'missing link' [dont remember this one....although i am a lifelong dino jr. fan]
10. therapy? / fatal 'come and die' [another rocker......i try to like therapy? but they always lose me.....not here though.]
11. pearl jam / cypress hill 'real thing' [not as good as the collab with sonic youth.....but...........it is cypress hill so i give it a thumbs up]
[5]jason statham - the 2000 version of steven seagal. this dude will do an equally devoid string of action films in an even shorter amount of time than good ol steven. this guy has nothing going on upstairs. NUH-THING.
[6] dont get me wrong fuckers, i love me some stupid funny movies but there is no way NO WAY WHATSOEVER that 'the 40 year old virgin' is jack shit compared to 'police academy'. the idea of the comedy went haywire when 'american pie' came out and it hasn't recovered since. to put it another way: we used to have 'amazon women on the moon' now we got 'the role model'. i mean.........COME ON....seriously. what the hell? as of last week they have been showing previews of some piece of shit comedy with adam sandler [who hasn't been funny since happy gilmore], seth rogaine, that fat kid from superbad [name given below], and some other d-bag. this movie looks so bad im getting douche chills just thinking about it.
[7] i love michael cera in 'arrested development' but now he does these feeble emo styled comedies and im not going along for the ride. grow a mustache fucker and grow up. i know he can do better than 'superbad' [with that fat assed afro sporting prick that seems like he crops up in every boneheaded comedy out there.....jonah hill is his name i do my research nukka.] oh and by the way....josh reynolds........hate that fucker. i didn't have anything up in the main column about him so i figured i should mention him now just to get it out of my system. actually when i think of stupid things he comes up fairly often.
[8] i have always maintained that wrestling is more entertaining than just about anything. i have withstood the critics over the years and have been steadfast in my love of wrestling. however, after the chris benoit double murder suicide i stopped watching for nearly a year. that and the untimely death of eddie guerrero had made me turn away simply because it seemed that some of my favorite wrestlers were dropping like flies. i can safely state that i am back to being a fan again....sort of.
[9] CARD - lineup. who you'll be seeing that particular evening.
[10] watching this match makes me miss the days when wwe had women wrestlers who not only looked good but could actually perform. this is something that the wwe currently lacks. i believe that once they started doing the diva search contests that it was a slap in the face of women wrestlers who work their asses off to learn their craft. so while people like lita and trish stratus were actually working here comes a crop of no talent bimbos who get all the tv time and dont have to do anything for it. personally i think vince mcmahon gets his pole smoked quite often by these vacant headed bleach blonde retards. fuck womens wrestling. 2003 was the last year of anything good going on. nowadays you have mickey james [who is a super talented and attractive woman] who's going out nightly to have matches with women who don't have even a quarter of her ability. she is essentially wrestling a fuck doll. that's gotta be a drag for a woman who actually wrestles.
[11] i didn't actually watch 'mania this year simply because it's so goddamned expensive. however i still made predictions as i always do whether i watch or not. i then waited for the whole 3 disc extravaganza to come out on dvd. i will say this: some great stuff just not worth 60 clams. sorry vince.
[12] SPOT FEST - when a match is designed for dudes to hit their goofy high risk spots and in the process does little to tell a story. part of wrestling is theatrics and story telling. show off sessions without story line credibility pisses me off tremendously.
[13] no one ever goes over on triple h = his wife writes the fucking script.
[14] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Verne_Gagne .........read about this legend. follow all suggested links. learn something for once in your life. thank me later.
[15] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Extreme_Championship_Wrestling ........again read. learn. you're welcome.
[16] http://www.rohwrestling.com/
[16A] OTHER SUGGESTED LINKS [for true wrestling geeks]
http://www.chikarapro.com/indexENG.shtml
http://www.gaora.co.jp/dragongate/
http://www.czwrestling.com/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pacific_Northwest_Wrestling
SOME SHIT TO LISTEN TO:
NAPALM DEATH 'TIME WAITS FOR NO SLAVE' century media - the kings of grindcore are back again motherfuckers and dropping another bomb on your shitty little world. if you liked the last several albums this one will fit in quite nicely. not quite as good as their last one 'smear campaign' but my saying that don't mean shit cuz this disc is broodle as fuck. 14 cuts of prime grind and death metal action. barney's vocals are getting more and more lethal as the years go on. this 4 piece lineup is really suiting them well as things are lean mean and ready for action. if you like grind then you will like this.......otherwise just cling to your avenged sevenfold or whatever it is that you listen to.
JAY REATARD 'SINGLES 06-07' -in the red records- if you dont know who jay reatard is and you like punk and frantic new wave action then i highly urge you to get familiar with the man immediately. this is a compilation of singles that are probably now going for collector geek prices on ebay but with this collection you can bypass all that and get right into rocking the fuck out. like i stated before jay reatard plays a very catch yet frenetic sort of punk / new wave hybrid that is just as much devo and wire as it is the ramones. the singles show off many different styles and moods and really lets you in on reatard's musical tastes. 17 wild pop rock cuts that will have you doing the pogo all over your house. as an added bonus: there is a dvd which compiles 4 different live shows. his live shows are a totally separate entity from his recordings as everything is sped up [coke snort levels] and everything is totally barreling down on you. here's what i prescribe for you: get this compilation, listen to the tunes, watch the dvd, go buy his album 'blood visions' and then go see the man live. im serious you will not be disappointed.
JAY REATARD 'MATADOR SINGLES 08' matador records- another year and another round of singles from jay reatard. for me it's an opportunity to revel in more glorious pop punk / new wave rants and raves. 13 nuggets of rock and roll this go around that will be sure to please you as you toke up and crack open a case of lucky lager. no live dvd with this collection unfortunately but goddamn it this rocks so good.
FUCKED UP 'THE CHEMISTRY OF MODERN LIFE' matador records - i had to hear this band just based on the name alone and holy shit was i ever happy i did. this toronto canada based band much like their forefathers RUSH take music to new heights. not just punk rock or heavy metal or screamo or what the fuck ever....this band puts it all together and makes it all so catchy all while making you bang your head like a maniac. really there aren't words to describe them accurately but i highly urge you to check this band out as there is something for everyone. any band who's bass player is a girl named mustard gas is okay in my book. fucked up rules period.
SONIC YOUTH 'THE ETERNAL' matador records - if you know anything about sonic youth then i need not describe anything for you here. this is the best album they have done in well over a decade. lots of hooks in amongst the layers of guitar experimentation. 'sacred trickster' kicks this album off and it is a full on rocker unlike anything sonic youth has done in ages....if ever. if you are a sonic youth fan you will find much to enjoy with this new one.
DARKTHRONE 'DARK THRONES AND BLACK FLAGS' peaceville - norway's most grim outfit are back once more with an album chock full of old school metal worship. unlike their black metal past which was militant as fuck darkthrone has now morphed into a punk / metal outfit in the same vein as motorhead but with a dash of venom for good measure. 'hiking metal punks' says it all with speed and tongue in cheek ferocity. what is unique about darkthrone now is that they are making no bones out of having a good fucking time ripping through an albums worth of aged thrash and punk. they dont spend time making albums they get in and get out and have it done in two weeks. beautiful. why fuck around? the results speak for themselves. another winner from a legendary band. norway is back on the map thanks to the efforts of darkthrone. fucking stallions.
MAGRUDERGRIND 'S/T' willowtip - washington d.c.'s magrudergrind have finally released an album. yeah i did a review a while back but that was for a compilation of stuff. this self titled album is worlds away from the devastating grind detonations of the past. magrudergrind has added a focus to their music that was largely absent from their past work. tightly performed thrash parts mix and mingle with whirlwind blast parts. another one of those you gotta hear it to believe it. produced by converge's kurt ballou if that means anything to you. so not only does this album have perfectly executed audio hatred but it sounds good without being clinical which is why i hate studios. if this band stays on their current path they will be worshipped by all the swoop hairs when the emo trend dies away. needless to say i was there first and you were all johnny come latelys. either way you need this if you like to get your face punched off.
CASIOTONE FOR THE PAINFULLY ALONE 'ADVANCE BASE BATTERY LIFE' tomlab - this project is the brainchild of former portland resident owen ashworth. owen is a very introspective and emotionally charged dude and his music bears this out. CFTPA is so naked and experimental that it's almost hard to listen to but when you get past the cheap sounding drum machine patterns and tinkly keyboard stuff you hear very heartfelt vocals and lyrics. the lyrics read much like a very personal journal or very sappy love notes that are very funny and yet wickedly ironic. his work is very hard to describe but i guarantee this dude probably gets alot of chicks. i dig this for the sheer experimental nature of it all. dont let me stupid descriptions work against you. seek out his material and give it a listen. the cover of 'streets of philadelphia' is worth the price of admission alone. oddball stuff that makes the experimentalist in me smile.
HENRY FIAT'S OPEN SORE 'ADULTERER ORIENTED ROCK' coldfront records - im gonna put it to you like this: 47 raunchy songs, swedish band, punk as fuck. this compendium came out in 2002 but yours truly found it after quite a search. anyhow......this to me kicks the dick and balls off of bands like the dwarves and zeke. if you are into that sort of snotty dont give a shit type of punk rock then this band will be your new gods. suck it dwarves.....worship at the altar of the new kings of sleaze. essential stuff.
AGORAPHOBIC NOSEBLEED 'AGORAPOCALYPSE' relapse - another chapter is sickening acid drenched buffoonery from the east coast's most explosive and odd band. drum machine driven chaos that just yells in your face and says fuck, piss, cunt, and other obscenities in an almost stream of conscious way. like a gang on angel dust this band comes to pound your ass into powder and can do so with relative ease. pig destroyer's guitar maestro scott hull runs the show here and his playing is thoroughly skilled in its absolute abandon. they have since added a gal to their ranks and she is just as vile as vocalist jay randall. you want some machine gun type writer grind then you need not look any further than this long running joke without a punchline. songs like 'druggernaut jug fuck' and 'dick to mouth recusitation' will ruin your life.
LEGEND OF DUTCH SAVAGE 'S/T' no label - portlands rock and roll explorers really pulled out all the stops on this final album. i am so bummed that they broke up but if this is the final statement from this band then oh what a statement it is. heavy duty blues drenched acid rock meets up with some hooky pop and punk. if you missed these dudes live then you really fucking missed out. you listen to this and you will know why they were as beloved as they were. other bands work for years to get this good, but these guys just knew how to put it all together and make it rock in every concievable fashion. email them at their myspace and see if you can score a copy of this album cuz it pretty much fucking rules.
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