COLUMN FOR THE AS OF YET RELEASED ISSUE 3

PREFACE: i wrote this column last year as you can plainly read [unless you are a complete fucking retard of course]. alot of the stuff i address is old news but it should provide you with a few things: first it should give you a sense of the skepticism that i feel everytime i stand in line at the grocery store and have to see all these outrageous gossip mags or watch tv and one of those access hollywood or entertainment tonight programs comes on. second it should provide you with a few minutes of giggles and maybe even stir your thoughts a bit. yes i know michael jackson is dead but he was very much alive when this column was written. was i a fan? no but that didn't make him any less of a master of entertainment to millions of fans across the globe. his end wasn't something i was counting on or wishing for. in fact i was looking forward to years and years worth of wacky exploits from the king of pop. i hate alot of celebrities but few of them i want to see drop dead and jackson wasn't one of them. anyhow enjoy the column.

THINGS IM NOT FEELING: IM GOING TO THE FUCKIN ZOO YA'LL.

PART ONE: UPDATES AND SHIT. hello misfits. morons and hungry information seekers who hath come to the great roast to drink the upscale hearty sap from my tree of knowledge. it has been a wild few months of life changes and readjustments many of which i will not elaborate upon here because A. IT ISNT REALLY ANY OF YOUR GODDAMNED BUSINESS and B. IT REALLY ISNT ANY OF YOUR GODDAMNED BUSINESS. needless to say im happily moving forward with long neglected projects and gearing up for a busy fall and winter season of rocking. recording. pontificating and drinking. [all of which i most assuredly do better than the rest of you]. those who know may agree or disagree if they so choose i mean after all it is a free country and most of my friends possess brains (1) and those who support me through all this know that i got em covered when they need me. but....for those that dont i got a special message for you: GET OFF MY ISLAND AND GET OUT OF MY LIFE. but with all that said. just know that i am ready to press ahead and do what must be done for the good of you readers and give you what you deserve.......a good ol fashioned literary beatdown. ready? well then let's fuckin go then.

PART TWO: AMERICA'S FAVORITE PASTTIME......IDIOT WATCHING [HOLLYWOOD STYLE]
first off let me state what may not be so clear to some you fine folks when it comes to the topic of idiot watching: MOST OF YOU ARE IDIOTS TOO. the kind of idiot watching im talking about is most enjoyed by the bon bon gobbling. danielle steele romance novel reading house fraus that litter this great country like many cubic tons of trash. now you may think im bagging on chicks but let's face it: who the fuck else enjoys hollywood gossip more than some of you ladies? im positive that there are many dudes out there that stare mindlessly into their televisions to watch ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT and ACCESS HOLLYWOOD like they are watching scat porn. and.....AND.....im 100 fucking percent certain that a large slice of the male population in these here united states cant resist ruminating over hollywood gossip mags while buying beer and preparation h at the supermarket [slack jawed and devoid of any real thought other than wanting to pound on britney spears' kid shitter]. ill just get to the point without hurling too many insults at you dear readers and just state that whether you live in an outhouse in south kelso or live in a condo on the sun baked streets of miami beach YOU FUCKERS CANT GET ENOUGH OF THAT SWEET HOLLYWOOD GOSSIP. what is my objective here? to let you know that although i find many of the things you like and hold dear to be nothing more than idle pursuits belonging to criminally retarded assholes i chuck roast cant seem to avert my eyes away from the exploits of the hollywood elite. despite the fact that while i stand in line at the supermarket buying beer and preparation h (2) [my mind full of original thought bordering on the edge of super genius and also thinking about what brit's poon feels like (3)] i just cant help but allow my eyes to wander to the human car wrecks displayed on the covers of gossip mags such as THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER and US WEEKLY. the difference between me and the likes of you is while you actually give a shit about nicole richie i scoff at her and wish her a lifetime of bad luck. so what did i do? i bought a couple of gossip mags and began my research. feverishly combing over all the subtle well reported details and i am now about to give you my take on the world of the rich and famous. and why? no fuckin reason other than i want you to understand these celebs like i do and believe you me people i understand them more than you could ever realize.

PART THREE: NEWSFLASH BRITNEY SPEARS IS AN UNFIT MOTHER [big suprise there eh?]
according to well informed sources at both STAR and THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER britney spears is about to lose custody of her two young children. her ex-husband kevin federline [also known as K-FED to his bros on the streets] is planning a full on assault with the help of high power attorney mark vincent kaplan in hopes that he can obtain full custody of his sons [who are two of the ugliest sumbitches i have ever laid eyes on....just thought you should know]. along with kaplan, K-FED is utilizing the services of a gentleman by the name of aaron cohen who runs the hollywood firm IMS-SECURITY. it should be noted, strictly for means of laughs, that cohen was a former counterterrorism commander for the israeli army. his role: to seek out and serve subpoenas to members of britney's inner circle including security staff, housekeepers, and assorted hangers on. britney's mother lynn spears is also being served papers that require her and the aforementioned parties to testify under oath that britney is a shitty mother.
now for the cold hard facts: britney drinks alot, does prescription drugs, and has sex with multiple partners. K-FED has reportedly obtained security camera video footage of spears being abusive and self destructive, with many instances in the presence of her kids. the part that made me giggle was the anecdote about britney hitting K-UNIT with a frying pan [i would kill to see that].
now if you add all the accrued scandals together [i.e. shaving her head, fucking random dudes, flashing her crotch to hungry paparazzi, trips in and out of rehab, and other incidents of tomfoolery] it basically says to me that despite K-FEDERALE being a talentless gold digger and all around scumbag, he is the more responsible parent to the two mongoloids. it is my opinion that unless britney can dig up and resurrect jack fuckin ruby or acquire the legal finesse of the much missed johnny cochran, she is sure to lose her kids. she will then succumb further to her addictions and be completely broke by age 30. by 35 she'll look like a retired school bus driver. K-TELL will raise the kids and will then unleash them on the mean streets of beverly hills where they will display very little ambition or talent. the crystal ball is clear on this one because when you put two talentless and inept weirdos together and they are allowed to procreate the by-product can be summed up simply as no name rabble. K-BOOM will maintain his status as tinsel town's finest philanderer and pig fucker. best of luck to these two excellent examples for parents all across cowlitz county. (4) quick newsflash, as predicted, britney lost custody of her two spawns. in order to prove herself as a fit mother she has to submit to take piss tests to assure that she isn't on any drugs [she has since failed at least one so far]. the irony of it all is that k-feds attorneys are paid for with britney's money. my take on that is that she must be a fuckin idiot.

PART FOUR: ANGELINA IS WASTING AWAY SOMEBODY SAVE HER.......IM SERIOUS.
again according to the gossip dealers angelina jolie is rapidly losing weight and her appearance on the set of her latest movie is scaring her co-stars and producers alike. her weight has apparently dropped to 95 pounds and her body fat is at a approximately 4%. my first thought upon reading this was 'i'll bet brad loves laying pipe to a sack of antlers ha ha.' im going to give this my expert analysis because that's what you expect out of me. first off, hollywood along with the fashion world push for women to be skinny and anyone over 110 pounds is considered obese. this has been the nom de rigeur for quite a few years and the trend doesn't seem to be going away anytime soon. so while hollywood stars fight frantically to stay thin [resorting to dangerous tactics such as anorexia which jolie has suffered from in the past] and the stigma of being 'fat' drives average americans, specifically young girls, to maintain skeletal frames and to hate themselves for not being thin [again thin is somewhere around the 110 pound mark and a single ounce above that is considered to be obese and disgusting].
now i consider angelina jolie to be another fame monger and her track record for starring in horribly crappy movies speaks for itself but i consider her a prime victim of the hollywood star machine which will eventually spit her out and leave her high and dry. despite her humanitarian efforts reeking of shameless self promotion and her addiction to adopting kids from third world countries to be little more than glorified doll collecting, she is a human being i suppose, and has the means to seek out help. hopefully, she'll stop worrying about whether brad pitt stays with her or not and figures out that she LOOKS LIKE SHIT. now me being the suave gypsy fortune teller that i am, i'm pretty sure that she'll regain her once obese 115 pounds and get back to making headlines for kissing her brother on camera and wearing a vial of some dude's blood around her neck. for the time being she will continue to freak out america in her latest role as a scarecrow. but i must state again that this whole thing about fat versus thin needs to stop because it gives people a complex about themselves that they really shouldn't have. angelina needs to be a role model instead of a walking corpse.....but hey that's just me and my opinion. maybe she's adopting the kids so she can eat them. well maybe not sweet little maddox and his faux hawk. uh oh im digressing.

PART FIVE: PILLS VODKA AND COKE! WHAT MORE COULD YOU WANT?
im just gonna get this right out in the open immediately and say that in good ol cowlitz county lindsay lohan would fit right in. i am so puzzled by people's fascination with this spoiled brat piece of shit hag that i am losing sleep over it [not really but it sounded good]. she has an appetite for vodka and cocaine according to her pals and assistants. she treats her friends like shit when they wont buy her dope. she also is notorious for telling them that she wont risk getting busted and that her non complying friends can be easily tossed aside. drunk driving and failed stints in rehab are on the resume for this actress these days. now i consider lindsay lohan to be the lowest common denominator in the actress sweepstakes with her raspy voice and questionable acting skills. fellow co-stars describe her as a pain in the ass and a person that is somewhat unpleasant to be around. i can only imagine how she abuses the on set assistants and key grips.(5) i can also imagine her being in a state of constantly coming down from a coke binge and always ready for the next fix. the one thing i find most amusing is the story about her snorting a rail off a toilet seat now that my friends is hot. HOT FUCKIN STUFF. as i gaze into my crystal ball you can expect more of the same from ol' firecrotch (6) more fuck sessions with no name rock and roll guys in rehab and crashing her cars whenever she pleases and making more crappy movies. perhaps she will try her hand at singing again and kick us down another album of sugary pop crap. if anyone else was up to this kind of behavior [meaning you dear reader] you would be thrown in jail and left to rot. so next time you are staring mindlessly at the tv while 'access hollywood' is on you can rest assured that lindsay lohan will be popping up at some hollywood movie premiere talking to mark magrath and trying her best to play it straight whilst rambling on about how rehab has changed her life. just remember you cannot trust a full blown coke head even if she looks like she might reach out through the teev and touch your throbbing member. okay im rambling incoherently now...........ill just sum it up by saying FUCK YOU LINDSAY LOHAN I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE YOU AT AGE 40.

PART SIX: PARIS HILTON GOES TO JAIL........GOOD.
to me the worst of the worst belongs in her class all by herself. miss hilton is famous for.....................uh.........nothing really.(7) so what makes her so fascinating to people? her uncanny knack for getting into trouble constantly. now as of late there has been little scuttlebutt on what she's up to. it would seem that her 15 seconds in jail smartened her up to the ways of the world. but i gotta face facts and so do you, she will be back to fucking up for your entertainment soon enough. here is another coked up pig trying her best to make being a piece of shit seem cool to the youth of america. this my friends is no role model. yeah i know that she went on 'larry king live' and talked about how her experience in jail changed her life and that she now wants to be known for doing good things, but i just dont buy any of it. here's the rundown people she gets busted for d.u.i. this part seems appropriate, you fuck up and you get in trouble for it right? she was initially sentenced to 45 days in jail. so she does about 3 or 4 hours in a special section of the century regional detention facility. gets released because she can't take the claustrophobic feeling and some yoyo decided that it would be okay for her to do home confinement. the judge however orders her to go back to jail. she gets hauled back to the slammer (8) and does a couple of weeks [22 days to be precise]. the part that pisses me off is the talking heads [no not david byrne, jerry harrison, chris frantz, and tina weymouth famous for their hit 'burning down the house'] on 'greta van susteren' babbling on and on about how her sentence wasn't fair. WASN'T FAIR? she was on probation. her getting popped with a d.u.i while on probation while driving on a SUSPENED LISCENSE......this is what is called A FUCKIN PROBATION VIOLATION. you get extra time for that sort of thing. 22 days, the morons contended, wasn't fair based on the offense. well to be perfectly honest, if you look at her driving record and check out the laundry list of offenses you would plainly see that this bitch DONT KNOW HOW TO FUCKIN DRIVE. so the judge merely added it all up and gave her 45 days....of which she served the aforementioned 22 days. i dont see what's so unfair about that. i would have kept her ass in there forever. but then again that's why im not a judge cuz i'd just send people off to a supermax prison for shoplifting. now again she has claimed to see the error of her ways and apparently is involved in a court ordered rehab program of some sort. im fairly impressed by the fact that her rehab experience isn't being used by her to gain more attention. she seems to genuinely want to do good but here's the fuck up for miss hilton, she told larry king that she wanted to go to rwanda [check a fuckin map stupid] and help raise awareness about the struggles of the rwandan people. ugh. as jeff clayton so aptly sang 'it looks good for them to care'. im gonna sum this shit up by saying that she needs to stay away from automobiles when the situation requires her to actually pilot the goddamned thing, and she needs to stay the fuck out of africa.

PART SEVEN: I JUST NOTICED SOMETHING.
okay after proofreading this i noticed that i have been picking on the ladies quite a bit. what the hell is my problem? i just think there aren't as many interesting celebrity fuck ups that have penises that's all. the chicks seem to fuck up with greater frequency than the males but let me say that there are plenty of dunderheaded males with fat pockets and lots of time on their hands in tinsel town. the difference is that these dudes dont seem to fuck up with the same style and flair that the ladies do. personally what i think the deal is that there isn't enough interest in male celebs that screw up in public. unless they're michael jackson or phil spector [two class a weirdos] the men just dont have it up on the ladies im afraid. to help me with my research i checked the premiere hollywood gossip website run by queen of all media perez hilton.(9) despite there being brief mentions of ryan phillipe and david beckham there really wasn't much to work with. maybe there is a male celebrity goofball drought going on. below is a list of male celebs and my opinion of each [get ready for fun reading kids]:

russell crowe - hollywood tough guy likes to hit people with stuff. thinks he's a rock star but he's really another dick with questionable acting skills.
ben afleck - used to fuck j-lo now thinks he's a director. another arrogant punk. hasn't done a good movie since 'dazed and confused'.
ryan phillipe - who?
jake gyllenhal - i cant even spell his fuckin name. who cares?
owen wilson - his favorite activity is attempting suicide. always plays characters that have lower than average intelligence.
brad pitt - the current main man on the hollywood gossip circuit. likes to fuck a skeleton.
pete doherty - some limey singer asshole that enjoys coke and heroin. used to bang kate moss.
michael jackson - likes to fuck kids in the ass then pay off the family. face is slowling falling off his skull. makes his kids wear veils. off his fuckin rocker. [editorial note: this column was written long before jackson's death.....i would never begrudge the man's talents with regards to entertainment his odd behavior is what i believe caused his death].
robert blake - hated his gold digger wife and killed her. bitchin.
phil spector - pointed a gun at dee dee ramone during a recording session. blew some bitch's head off last year. hair of the gods.
matthew mcconaughey - ran through a hotel with his wang hanging out. likes playing bongos and smoking weed. unfortunately not enough like his 'dazed and confused' character david wooderson, which it should be noted he should be in real life 24 hours a day. easy on the leather man.
simon cowell - the evil judge on 'american idol' guaranteed is an arrogant dick.
david beckham - limey soccer player getting paid the big bux to play here in the u.s. my latino friends want to see him get his legs broken on the soccer field and love it when he gets punked by the superior vato ballers. grossly overpaid. married to a corpse or an android.
keifer sutherland - the hardest working spy on tv also finds the time to get completely tossed and drive drunk about every other weekend. how does he do it?
charlie sheen - drinks and drugs like a motherfucker loves to fuck hookers and hates his ex wife. classy.
alec baldwin - aging fat bastard that hates his daughter and actually had the balls to call her a pig in a tape recorded conversation. you know this guy is a bitter drunk.
dog the bounty hunter - used the 'N' word in a tape recorded phone conversation that his son sold to the tabloids. appologized emphatically on 'hannity and colmes'. for some reason despite his racial slur, he seems like a pretty cool guy. the mullet is godly. calls himself 'uncle dog' when addressing children. bitchin.
tom cruise - when is this goofy sonofabitch gonna just leap out of the closet already? the more i see of him the more im convinced he's a closet homo. notorious as of late for being an overbearing jerk to his wife katie holmes. thinks he can pick and choose the acting roles she accepts while he continues on his road to sucksville with one shitty movie after another.

okay so you get my drift right? there just isn't anything really remarkable going on with the dudes. im not gonna appologize for being so harsh on the celebrities of the female persuasion. they are just so out there all the time ready for the cameras to capture their every stupid move. i cannot explain it at all, maybe it's some sort of psychological thing that enables them to be portrayed as nutty losers with no moral sense. really i just think the female celebs believe and live by the old axiom that 'bad publicity is good publicity'. who knows? who really fuckin cares? needless to say i just cannot avert my eyes when some fool like nicole ritchie endangers her unborn child with her non-stop partying and shitty diet habits. or rosie o'donnell running her suck every 5 minutes. or danny devito appearing on 'the view' completely blitzed out of his mind. or how about eddie murphy picking up on trannies. or pro wrestler chris benoit corpsing his family and then himself. or lindsay lohan's mug shot where her crank sores are clearly visible. or ellen degeneres crying on tv about someone's dog. or scooter libby getting his prison sentence commuted by good buddy george bush. i just cannot get enough. it makes me want to pull my hair out but i am a junkie in search of a good old fashioned american fix. bring me tabloids. bring me mark magrath. bring me greta van susteren. give me more o'reilly factor. i hate myself for thinking this stuff is hilarious, but i cannot stop. hi my name is chuck roast and i'm an addict.

PART EIGHT: RIDE IT OR WEAR IT YOU FUCKER!
ive been threatening this for awhile but i see a bit too much of it not to comment on it. when did skateboards become a fashion accessory? more and more i see you little no good disciples of bam margera and avenged sevenfold with your little outfits on and your cute little hairdos wandering about my community toting your cute little skateboard around like it's a textbook. im gonna break it down for you: it has 4 wheels and you propel it with your feet. it was never intended as a means to compliment your wardrobe. got it douchebag? it's a means of transportation. and.........AND.......with practice you can do neat lil' tricks with it. some of you are acting like you are practicing for your future jobs as road construction workers. what do i mean? simple. you and your cute metrosexual skateboard buddies hang out at the skate park holding your decks in your hands looking cool while one 'real' skateboarder schools your asses by A. actually riding his board and B. is practiced and dedicated enough to do tricks. see? just like road construction one guy does all the work while 5 of you stand there looking busy. so please follow uncle roast's advice and stop being such weinies. learn to ride or learn to wear a broken skateboard as a hat the hard way.

PART NINE: VAN HALEN REUNION TICKETS ARE HOW MUCH??
you heard right muthafuckas the mighty van halen are back together and currently ripping up the united states. with frontman supreme david lee roth back at his rightful position and eddie's son wolfgang on bass(10) the kings of good time rock and roll are making headlines once again. having ditched former frontman [also the best jimmy buffett impersonator in the business] sammy hagar, the boys are scoring pussy and kicking out the classic hits. to me as a long time fan [damn near 30 years brotha] this is good news in an industry full of bullshit. im so stoked that van halen is back and ready to teach the kids a thing or two about how to really rock. i wanted desperately to get tickets and then it happened: i saw the prices. 3rd row seats were available through rose quarter dot com for a mere 1400 bux. WHAT THE FUCK?? for one ticket?? the nosebleed shit seats were going for 250 bux. THIS IS INSANITY. for those prices you should get a steak dinner, blowjob and some pussy from a hot piece of ass, a pound of weed, 5 cases of beer, some samsonite luggage, a year's supply of kraft macaroni and cheese, and breakfast in bed everyday for the rest of your fuckin life. ticket prices as we all know have gotten considerably higher over the years especially with the declining record industry and free downloads and yada yada yada. i mean fuck, i know i say stuff like 'id give my left testicle to see van halen or whoever' but, i shouldn't actually have to do that just to get a ticket. i just checked tickets west dot com and the darth vader of ticket sales ticketmaster to see how outrageous the prices are for various bands and here is what i found [bear in mind most of these i would never pay for in the first place but some of you fools probably would. whatever. these prices are minus the stupid service charge.]:

tool - $49.50
avenged sevenfold - $25.00 [this is part of the 'hot topic presents' tour.......im throwing up right now]
queens of the stone age - $26.00 [nope. k. pliz. thx.]
the wu tang clan - $40.00 (11)
king diamond - $23.00 (12)
new found glory - $23.00 [who? whatever.]
bon jovi - $53.00 / $99.50 / vip $1000.00 [the v.i.p. tix are where you get the blowjobs and free shit. i would hope. this is a prime example of complete insanity]
billy joel - $78.75 / $131.25 / $183.75 [so you can hear 'we didn't start the fire' totally worth it. pfffft.]
ween - $30.00 [i'd pay this price maybe.........MAYBE]
neil young - $57.00 / $97.00 / $157.00 [saw him in 91 for $25.00 and i got sonic youth out of the deal. fuck him. more like 'old man take a look at my wallet']
avril lavigne - $27.50 [im sure your parents can swing this one for ya.]
the misfits - $25.00 [to see jerry only and some other scabs???]
chris cornell - $33.00 [no.]
they might be giants - $22.00 [the best deal out of all of these.]
chevelle - $25.00 [uh.........no.]
tori amos - $38.50 / $48.50 [watch her grind her crotch while playing the piano. what a deal!!!!]
puddle of mud - $25.00 [hahahaha]
H.I.M. - $33.50 [you would have to kill me and then cart my lifeless corpse into the venue to see this goofball.]
dropkick murphys - $20.00 [this seems pretty reasonable cuz you shouldn't have to pay an arm and a leg for crap]
dashboard confessional - $28.50 [ill pay for a ticket if it comes with a box full of rotten tomatos.]
blue cheer - $12.00 [now this is the shit right here. great price for a great band.]
evanescence - $35.50 [you'd have to open your asshole wide open and let me pound you mercilessly and still give me money to see this godawful bullshit.]
coheed and cambria - $27.00 / $35.50 [no thanks. you couldn't pay me to see this shit.]
smashing pumpkins - $42.00 / $55.00 / $102.00 [i like them and all but this is fuckin ridiculous.]
ozzy osbourne and rob zombie - $47.50 / $57.00 / $76.00 [this seems suprisingly cheap but whatever]
hanson - $27.50 [for 'mmm bop' ?? i dont fuckin think so]

PART TEN: OTHER NEWS.
ive been recording for all my various projects as of late [as i said i would fuckers]. right now im about 10 songs deep into the latest chuck roast release 'true kult emo'. now i know you are probably thinking 'what the fuck is ol' emo hater roast doing calling his latest disc 'true kult EMO?' well ill put it this way, i thought it sounded funny. ill explain it for you. in the realm of extreme black metal [not living color....not james brown........not 24-7 spyz](13) the worthiest artists and bands are referred to as 'true kult'. for example 'dude that new darkthrone album is so kult.' other random metal dude says, 'no way braw the new gorgoroth is true kult'. ya follow me here? but anyhow one thing black metal fans do not refer to as 'true' or 'kult' is emo or metalcore [which they refer to as pussy music or 'fag' rock]. i figured what a sweet little play on words and hence came the title. the songs thus far are a bit more on the melancholy side this time around therefore pleasing you sad sacks that love that sort of thing. it also has that sweet home recorded sound that fans of basement black metal hold in the most unholiest of reverence. i have made no references to satan thus far so that may pose a problem for my album being held in high esteem as being 'true kult' and may be a bit too ironic for you dyed hair bandana back pocket sporters but i never said that i cater to anyone as i have always just wrote the songs as they happen and have never given a second thought to what other people think. of course i love to hear your comments, compliments, and complaints as i am an egomaniac but when im sitting with my guitar/notebook/microphone/and 16 track console things happen [bitchin things mind you] and i dont give a shit what anyone thinks of the end result. but nonetheless i will be progressing forward until this album feels done. i for one thus far couldn't be happier with the results [see for yourself www.myspace.com/chuckroast].
another fun project that i hold very near and dear to my heart is my collaboration with my best friend and companion hilarie hughes [check her out at www.myspace.com/hilariehughes]. we have several songs in the works and are constantly coming up with new titles and ideas. when our schedules are more freed up there will be a full length disc coming. we have a few shows coming up in which we will be playing songs from her vast catalog of songs and my deep vault of cuts along with our latest cover tunes and collaborations. get yourself a clue at www.myspace.com/dixiemattresscompany.
on the noise front [i know you all love noise so much.] i have been recording under my solo moniker of cracked dome. there are several releases in the works and i have been recording my most brutal stuff yet. ive been slowly working on this project for 12 years and finally getting a bit of recognition for it. i have a full length coming out on pointless blank records out of ontario canada, a full length release on maisson bruitt label out of paris france. i have several cassette releases coming out on such noteable labels as seattle washington's psychform, portland oregon's an alienated hominid, kelso washington's cute tapes, and eugene oregon's black and purple. also i have a split release coming out on deadline recordings with harsh noise megastar richard ramirez a.k.a black leather jesus. im fuckin stoked. scope out some ear rapers at www.myspace.com/noiseforthedevil.

END NOTES:
(1) just a bit of info. i dont hang out with brainless idiots. i hang out with a bunch of weirdos. there's a big difference.
(2) this was a joke. i have never bought preparation h. my asshole works just fine believe me, i just stuck my finger in there.
(3) although back in the day i thought that britney was a talentless puppet she was a fine lookin young thing with a pussy that was probably as tight as fort knox. i cannot however imagine that to be the case as of today. she is a parking lot for dicks and im sure upon first insertion you would find that along with the a.i.d.s. you'll most likely get, it probably feels like cold balogna or a country ham. with every subsequent paparazi pic that is taken the white trash in her shows all the more. she is north kelso at it's finest.
(4) actually with all the latest news about the spears-k fed brood having rotten teeth and shit filled britches, they give parents all across cowlitz county a reason to try and turn their lives around and those of their children. i doubt it but i've always been a dreamer. [cue 'home sweet home' by motley crue now pliz thx.]
(5) key grip - in us and canadian film making, the key grip is the chief grip on the set. like a foreman, the key grip directs a crew of grips, some with specialized skills such as dolly gripss, crane operators, camera car operators etc. in australia and new zealand the key grip generally owns the grip equipment, dollies, track, cranes, camera cars and insert trailers. additionally, the key grip is often the safety monitor of the film set, responsible for safety of all personnel in the presence of theatrical ballistics, pyrotechnics, stunts, and any other potentially dangerous situations and devices operated by other departments. i got the previous definition from wikipedia cuz i spent my entire life not knowing what the hell a key grip was. now i know and i feel cheated as i felt it was gonna be something really bitchin.
(6) the reference to 'ol firecrotch' comes from a quote by some no name bonehead that was riding in paris hilton's car. over the last few years lindsay and paris have had an on again off again friendship and when asked what he thought of poor ol' lindsay, no name was quoted as saying 'lindsay lohan is a firecrotch' paris can clearly be seen in the background laughing it up. goofy stuff.
(7) alright i guess i was being a bit unfair to poor paris. apparently her primary occupation is a model. along with her modeling stints she has been an actress [really?], singer [she really went places with that one], reality television star [the simple life with her pal nicole ritchie yet another example of why reality shows have hit the bottom of the barrel], jewelry designer [i dont think she can even design a rational thought much less cheap gaudy jewelery], slut [her 'one night in paris' home movie made a big splash by proving that she dont know how to fuck worth a shit. but then again to be a slut you dont have to know how to fuck or suck], drug taker [she's good at this one], poor driver [she's really good at this one. in fact she's an overachiever], money grubbing hag [she's an expert in this field].
(8) this incident spawned the infamous paris in tears photo that made headlines across the globe. well maybe not the globe but at least the u.s. i wonder if europeans are as obsessed over their celebs as we are?
(9) www.perezhilton.com - this dude tells it like it is. he isn't afraid to take cheap shots at celebrities no matter how big they are. good reading in between bouts of internet porn.
(10) i know some of the haters and doubters cannot handle the fact that eddie chose his son over longtime bassist and tennessee squire michael anthony. but anthony has explained to the press that he wasn't invited to rejoin van halen. this may be due to his alliance with sammy hagar whom eddie detests. you see they reunited back in 2004 with the van hagar lineup to disastrous results which stirred up alot of resentment between hagar and eddie. michael anthony has stated that he enjoys playing music with sammy and really didn't have much interest in coming back to van halen. in a bit of sweetness from someone whom wolfgang has to consider to be an uncle, anthony said that wolfgang is a good kid and a great bassist and hoped that the fans wouldn't be to hard on the 15 year old. my opinion is that although it would be much more bitchin' if mike was back on bass but we cant have all the things we want in life can we? wolfgang is in a position that most 15 year old boys would kill for........he's in van halen with his old man his uncle alex and uncle diamond dave kickin out 'everybody wants some' and 'romeo delight' to ecstatic fans the world over, getting hot chicks wanting to strip him of his virginity and the opportunity to make millions of dollars before he's even out of high school. way to go wolfie!
(11) would be interesting to see the wu in the live setting. i saw ol dirty bastard in 98 and he was drunker than shit. it was great. would enjoy watching inspecta deck kick out some lyrics. but 40 bux? good lord that's a lot of money.
(12) the full lineup for this show is cellador, leaves eyes, kreator, and king diamond. so for 23 bux you get the kings of german thrash in kreator and you get the king....king diamond that is. not a bad price for those two bands it's the other no name crap you gotta sit through to get to the promised land. so show up late and get the real shit that way you dont feel completely cheated.
(13) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_metal

anyhow that's all for this go round i hope you enjoyed it, if not you can go fuck yourself in the ass. stay tuned as i set my sights on my next target THIS FUCKIN ZINE. be ready as i SKEWER THE EDITORS. drink beer, fuck chicks, smoke weed, smoke cigs, and rock the fuck out. cheers. chuck roast.

send me your hate mail you pussies. headlesspymp@gmail.com

READ AND LEARN.

THINGS IM NOT FEELIN PART WHATEVERTHEFUCK:
greetings dickheads and emo dildos welcome to yet another chapter of 'entertain the retards.' its been awhile since you feasted your eyes on my delicious words and were given this delightful gift of good taste and real analysis. this will probably see the light of day in the far distant future knowing the track record of this zine so far. now dont get me wrong i love writing this colum i love the editors but lets face it: money is a going concern with the production of this zine. personally i think you ungrateful pimple faced goofballs should be ponying up extra bread to help in the production but i wouldn't dare ask you to part with your cigarette money. personally i dont think any of you have the slightest idea what it takes to get something like this off the ground. i mean fuck, look at the quality. this is a high tech zine here and shit costs big bux. i made my suggestions as to what i thought should be done to lower the production costs but they have pretty much fallen on deaf ears. my suggestion was to get away from this thicker paper and go to news print. why? BECAUSE ITS FUCKING CHEAPER THATS WHY!!![1] but anyways im just a lowly columnist for this here zine so it really isn't my place to try and convince people of stuff that they already know. i understand that people have their preferences when it comes to doing things in the creative realm, but when it damn near sends you into poverty there has to be another way [and lets not mention that a large gap in issues only leads to some out of date reading. hence why i tackle universal topics. you're welcome].....just sayin. hopefully as time goes on things will improve in regards to production costs and advertising. this can't happen without your help and since you are the ones who buy it and allow us to fill your empty heads with our versions of cool should feel this strong sense of wanting to help out. AH FUCK IT!!!
OCTUMOM IS AT IT AGAIN.
this one really gets me fucking steamed. so some broad with questionable mental capacity, questionable income, questionable living habits, and a strong fixation on angelina jolie can spend thousands of dollars to have reproductive therapy [or whatever they call it....who cares?] thus enabling this nut to give birth to EIGHT FUCKING KIDS!!!! on top of that she already has six from her other round of in vitro activities. FOURTEEN KIDS!!!! who the hell has 14 kids anymore other than seventh day adventists or mormons? no one in their right mind has that many kids im sorry. anyone who thinks this is okay is obviously off their rocker. there are several questions i would like to ask with regards to this abominable situation. gear up kids here it comes.......
ROASTER'S INTERVIEW WITH OCTUMOM
1. what the fuck is wrong with you? [this one would probably have her bailing out immediately]
2. do you feel like you are abusing the privilege of childbirth by means of medical intervention? [i certainly do. what doctor allows such a thing to take place? especially after she has plastic surgery to make her look more like angelina jolie therefore further revealing her baby obsessions[2]]
3. where is your money coming from? [i mean...unless shes an escort or a dope dealer......seriously where the fuck? her parents are allegedly wealthy but what parent allows their daughter to indulge in such sport?]
4. did anyone ever try and tell you that having gaggles of children is probably a bad idea? [psychiatrists or doctor or social worker or circus clown or anyone???]
5. was this done in an effort to become famous? [this bitch got offered a reality show, has paparazzi photographers following her everywhere, even porn company vivid video offered her a grip of cash to get naked and fuck. what in the hell?]
this type of thing drives me batshit fucking crazy; all this baby obsessing. you cant even stand in line at the grocery store without having to look at some hot celeb and her fat distorted belly full of future spoiled self entitled cocksuckers. BABY WATCH: JENNIFER ANISTON AND REESE WITHERSPOON. who gives a fuck? have your babies and shut up. this woman and her abnormal obsession is a disgrace to women. i believe that people are free to do whatever they want especially when it comes to their health or lack thereof BUT......this is going too far. especially when you factor in the media's coverage of it i.e. nancy grace[3] and doctor phil. while im thinking about it; what the hell is gloria allred doing hovering around? go chase some ambulances bitch and mind your business. actually....allred and doctor phil convinced this deranged baby factory to accept their offer of free nanny service, which she has since dismissed. this dismissal comes amid criticism that the nannies octumom hired are infected with tuberculosis. whatever. this situation is sick and there is absolutely NO POSSIBLE WAY you could convince me otherwise. she's a crazed fan of angelina jolie and has gone so far as to adopt jolie's child collecting habit. where is brad pitt in all of this? fuck him too.
MANISTON
okay.....so the media has a wondrous way of dumbing things down to the lowest common denominator so people like YOU AND YOUR PARENTS can figure it out. what started as quirky puns on the front of variety magazine back in the good old days BING BANGS BIMBO HOLLYWOOD BANANAS BOO BOO has now been reduced to ridiculous play on name schemes such as BRANGELINA and MANISTON and BENNIFER and of course OCTUMOM. now i know how alot of you love the idea of a good mash up[4] but do they all have to be so stupid? i dont know why i give a shit but it just bugs me. it's annoying and you shouldn't have to put up with this sort of thing. the other one that drives me crazy is the need to put the word GATE on everything. it's done as a way of identifying something as being controversial ala watergate. unfortunately everytime they slime the GATE on the end of whatever word they wish to demonize IT'S NEVER A BIG DEAL!!!! EVER!!!! some talking head on CNN was talking about the big hubbub about the annual whitehouse easter egg hunt and they referred to it as EASTER EGG GATE. why? i dont know, something to do with demand exceeding supply so they have to charge a thousand dollars a ticket. so now we are attempting to equate one of the biggest political scandals in history to an easter egg hunt. sometimes i wonder about the media. actually i wonder about the media all the time but i was just trying to seem like a reasonable person.
BOWEL MOVIES [a.k.a. seth rogaine and michael cera can both eat my ass]
have you seen any good movies lately? neither have i so fuck it. actually i went and saw THE WRESTLER and that was easily one of the greatest movies i have ever watched. finally one gem in amongst the grimy smelly turds that most of you go see on a friday night before the big hang out sesh at the jack in the box parking lot. ANYWAYS.........i expect nothing out of movies anymore seeing as how every other movie is a remake of something that DIDN'T NEED A REMAKE IN THE FIRST PLACE or has the horrendous untalent of some no account rube like seth rogen / sean william scott / michael cera / or jason statham[5]. you know what im talking about; some movie that has alot of gratuitous fart jokes / titty shots / shit blowing up / and really bad acting. now before you accuse me of not liking tits let me state i like tits just fine but there needs to be a plot somewhere in amongst all the burps farts and WE'VE GOT BUSH type humor[6]. how many more movies have to have this sort of silly frathouse humour? but ill make a concession to hollywood right now: ILL LET THE SHITTY GOOFBALL COMEDIES AND JOCK ORIENTED ALPHA MALE ACTION FLICKS SLIDE [along with the equally obnoxious parody movies] IF YOU COULD JUST BREAK YOUR DEPENDENCE ON REMAKES. stop the remakes. and stop with the relentless search for movies you can remake. all it is to me is a quest for some no talent asshole in a suit to try and essentially ruin a classic movie. let me put it this way; no one has gone and tried to do a remake of THE MONA LISA. there are rumblings that they are going to remake 'cannibal holocaust' and 'i spit on your grave'. i say this: ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MINDS?? haven't you stuffed suits done enough damage to some of my favorite blood splattered classics? apparently not.
ill put it like this for you thicks that dont get it; i dont go to movies unless its something i feel is going to be good......really good. i understand my personal tastes and let me say for the record that I AM RARELY WRONG!!! i will not go do something that i can feel way down in my gut is going to be a waste of time and money....wont do it. my friends go out and take the risks for me, bless their hearts. so when JOE DEAL sends me a text talking about how the FRIDAY THE 13TH remake is a piece of garbage it only enhances my position on the fucking thing in the first place. i text him back immediately and tell him 'you actually went to see that?' i dont pitch shit on my friends for things such as movies, their tastes are their own and i can't fault them for being weak at times. we all succumb to the will of the market place. i have just become very good at avoiding the pitfalls of what can only be seen as a creative vacuum in all things related to the arts. there are countless writers and idea people all over this country toiling away in obscurity or in semi obscurity writing the manuscript for a potential theatrical goldmine yet the movie companies continue to force these inept comedies and horrid remakes on a public that either blindly accepts it because they dont have any imagination or flat out loves it because they dont have any imagination [lets not mention the lack of brain activity......shhhh]. i dont like it. i dont love it. and i refuse to waste my time and money. id rather watch an animal carcass decay. a dog taking a shit is funnier than michael cera.[7] my shit-o-meter is always working overtime, i will not be duped.
IT'S WRESTLEMANIA TIME AGAIN
now that i have got the random shit out of the way, im going to talk a little wrestling. you mind? i dont give a rip if you do so here goes. i have been a wrestling fan for 25+ years and consider myself not only a fan but a historian and connoiseur. for many people wrestlemania is the superbowl of wrestling, the biggest event of the year. for feuding combatants it is the chance to settle the score, close the book on old foes, win titles, and kick someone's ass. in 2003 i had the opportunity to go to wrestlemania 19 which was in seattle at safeco field. for me, going to mania was a given, i considered it a quest that i had no choice but to undertake. for muslims, it is reccomended that they make a pilgrimage to mecca at least once in their lifetimes to affirm their faith in their religion. i considered wrestlemania 19 to be my personal pilgrimage to a mecca filled with other true believers. this was a chance to cement my unwavering support for this theatrically based sport[8] and be a part of a national institution that draws millions of fans each and every year. i was very fortunate to not only just BE THERE but to witness one of the most stacked cards[9] i have ever witnessed.
THE WRESTLEMANIA 19 CARD [an my expert analysis of each match]
it used to be that on days of pay per view events, WWE has their one hour sunday night heat program to further hype the matches that you will see on ppv. so the first match that i saw that day was not a part of the official wrestlemania card but was simply a warm up to the actual event.
1. the dudley boyz vs. rob van dam and kane [tag team title match] - with the dudleys playing the reluctant heels due to their association with perennial villian general manager eric bischoff, they attempted and failed to take the tag team belts away from the odd couple of van dam and kane. im a big dudley boyz fan so it was cool to see them in action.
2. rey mysterio vs. matt hardy [cruiserweight title match] - the first official match of wrestlemania was a fairly short affair between two highly skilled performers. i got robbed of a mysterio title win thanks to matt hardy's pal shannon moore. lame.
3. undertaker and nathan jones vs. big show and a-train - nathan jones [yeah i know........who?] got pearl harbored by show and train during sunday night heat which left undertaker alone against two big muh fuckers. should have been a way better match than it was. undertaker got the win [of course.....he always wins at mania]. limp bizkit played 'rollin' it was loud. this was during taker's 'american bad-ass' phase....complete with harley and an american flag a'flappin in the breeze.....very marlboro man style.
4. victoria vs. trish stratus vs. jazz [womens championship] - im not much into chick matches but whatever. you get to see some good lookin chicks rolling around is always good for a little pervy peek..........then a piss break [10]
5. charlie haas and shelton benjamin vs. eddie and chavo guerrero vs. chris benoit and rhyno [wwe tag team title match] - 3 great teams and one of the last glimmers of vince mcmahon giving half a fuck about tag team wrestling. the tag scene hasn't been relevant since this match. it's a pity because tag team wrestling is an art in and of itself and can be a major part of any card if done right. this is an example of done right. haas and benjamin held onto the straps by the way.
6. shawn michaels vs. chris jericho - oh yeah. this was one of the greatest matches i have ever seen and ranks high on the list of must see matches for anyone thinking about getting into wrestling as a profession. no titles on the line just two dudes that are hellbent on proving who is the best. this was 20 minutes of classic action. i liken this one to steamboat vs. savage at wrestlemania 3. michaels getting the win was great but jericho delivering the shot to the nuts in an act of heelish poor sportsmanship was the icing on the cake. these two are still hating each others guts 6 years later and their feud is now the stuff of legend.
7. triple h vs. booker t [world title match] - the buildup to this match in the weeks leading up to mania were done to perfection. the arrogant champion triple h under the guidance of ric flair publicly ridicule booker's wcw championship reigns as being a joke, also taking particular stabs at his youth when he was a gangbanger, and even some cheap jabs at his skin color. booker responds by handing triple h some serious ass whippings, which take a toll on h's confidence. this match was a competent affair with trips pulling out an indian deathlock [which broadcaster jim ross makes note of with great suprise....just like me] and eventually squeezing out a win. the highlight for me was seeing ric flair in person and watching him get visibly irritated by the camera man.
8. hulk hogan vs. vince mcmahon [street fight] - in my youth i found the goody two shoes act of the hulkster to be jack shit compared to the limosine ridin, jet flyin, kiss stealin, wheelin dealin ways of ric flair. however, in 2003 i couldn't help but be stoked about seeing the hulkster coming out and air guitaring his way to the ring and then proceding to engage in a very violent and bloody match with the evil boss vince mcmahon. this was played out perfectly in the weeks leading up to the match with mcmahon claiming that he invented hulkamania [which he has a very legit claim to say] and the hulkster claiming that it was the fans that created hulkamania. mcmahon added further heat by addressing the steroids trial that hogan had testified at [if mcmahon had been convicted he would have still been in prison]. in the mind of mcmahon, hogan was a traitor who not only testified against him, but had betrayed him by signing a contract with rival promotion world championship wrestling. Hogan had put his career on the line in this match and vince vowed to end hulkamania forever [you can see where this is going right?]. so let me paint a picture for you: two middle aged men, one not even a wrestler, sounds like a recipe for disaster dont it? wrong. these two beat the dogshit out of each other until both were bloody. THEN..........out comes RODDY FUCKING PIPER [out of the crowd no less] to deliver a vicious shot with a pipe to the back of hogan's head. the eventual hulk up was phenomenal especially when he realized how bloody he was. big boot, leg drop, 1-2-3. hogan won. i was a hulkamaniac for about 15 minutes so fucking sue me.
9. steve austin vs. the rock - this was stone cold's last professional match. sure he's drank some beers and stunned a few people here and there but as far as actual wrestling, his career ended at mania. this was my favorite match of the night: two superstars, no titles, just the final chapter, who is THEE best. this was the 3rd time that these two had fought at mania and in the first two meetings the rock came out with the short end of the stick. the rock was on a quest to finally do the one thing that he HADN'T done yet which was beat austin at wrestlemania. this is how it's done; a story told in the ring. the build up to this match was done without fanfare, added props, third parties, backstage skits or any extra trimmings or trappings. the end of a rivalry. austin took the loss, but it took a shitload of people's elbows and rock bottoms to do it. a true thing of beauty.
10. brock lesnar vs. kurt angle [wwe championship match] - the main event baby. one of the few matches that looks so good on paper you can't even believe it. angle, the champion, an olympic gold medalist in freestyle wrestling, one of the biggest stars in wrestling history. lesnar, ncaa national champion in freestyle wrestling, and all around monster. two legitimate athletes going head to head. i was looking forward to this match and it of course delivered all the mat wrestling and chain wrestling that the purists love all while putting on a pro wrestling show. the most shocking moment was when a clearly exhausted lesnar attempted to do a shooting star press [a move that he had done countless times on the indie circuit but hadn't utilized in his short wwe career] and then landing on his face, leaving him with a serious concussion which required that angle walk a visibly unconcious lesnar through the closing moments of the match. angle lost the belt in convincing fashion. totally classic.
MY PREDICTIONS
so now that you have read about my personal wrestlemania experience i will now apply my expertise in predicting who will win and lose at wrestlemania 25. with each match listed you will get my prediction and who actually won[11]. it is at wrestlemania where the pace is set for the rest of the year. not only do rivalries and feuds end but new ones will begin. especially if there are any sore losers. so here you go:

DARK MATCH: TAG TEAM TITLE UNIFICATION MATCH - the miz and john morrison vs. carlito and primo colon - this was bumped off the pay per view so that kid rock could get ample time to not rock the house [which he didn't cuz he sucks]. if i was any of these competitors i would have worked that goofy asshole over in the parking lot after the show. vince mcmahon doesn't care about tag team wrestling. nevertheless carlito and primo won the match [and it was a great classic tag match] and the unified titles [they have 4 belts between the two of em.] this match should serve as a reminder that the FANS still care about tag team wrestling. the fact that vince bumped this match in favor of a has been like kid rock really pisses me off to no end....fuckin cocksucker.

1. MONEY IN THE BANK LADDER MATCH - cm punk vs. kofi kingston vs. mvp vs. shelton benjamin vs. kane vs. mark henry vs. finlay vs. christian: the premise is simple: climb a ladder and get the briefcase hanging on a hook. inside the briefcase is a contract for a championship match that the winner can cash in at any time within a year against whatever champion said winner wishes to challenge. i personally hate this match and think it's simply a way for the mid card guys to fly around the ring and break tables and fall off of ladders. im not into spot fests[12] and my pick to win this match was MVP who has steadily been catching on as of late. to me he reminds me of a more gangsta version of the rock. he's a dude that could use a world title boost. i knew that the fat and old guys were not going to play a role in this match whatsoever. and of course they didn't. in the end it was CM PUNK that took the win. he has since cashed it in on jeff hardy and as of last night is the new world champion. punk is okay i guess. [quick update: CM PUNK has since turned heel and is now one of the most hated dudes on tv today. p.s. mark henry is a big time fan favorite who is out there smiling like he's just took a fat hit off a blunt and all while beating the living shit out of whoever is in his way.....a world title win is in his destiny. i love sexual chocolate.]

2. 25 DIVA BATTLE ROYAL TO DETERMINE THE FIRST EVER MISS WRESTLEMANIA - thanks to the WWE i think womens wrestling is a joke of epic proportions. at first i heard that some old faves were coming back such as wendi richter, tammy lynn sytch, and lita. 90% of the bitches invited declined so that really just leaves the modern day divas such as kelly kelly, maryse, ad nauseum. i picked no one to win this since i didn't give a fuck to begin with. mercifully they cut out the kid rock performance from the dvd which was a major plus. most of the women in WWE CANNOT wrestle but are merely blonde chicks with big tits trying very not so hard to look like they are fighting. in the end it was a cross dressing itallian dude who won. not that it matters. buy the dvd and have the pleasure of skipping this sorry excuse for entertainment.

3. 3 ON 1 HANDICAP ELIMINATION MATCH - rowdy roddy piper, jimmy 'superfly' snuka, and ricky 'the dragon' steamboat vs. chris jericho - the weeks leading up to mania saw the ayatolla of rocka rolla berating old school wrestling legends by the score. this violent streak was prompted by an off hand challenge made by actor mickey rourke. to make a long story short i figured that jericho would get beat up but he'd still pull out the win. upon watching the actual event i was floored at how amazingly good ricky steamboat looked and performed. he hadn't been in a ring in well over a decade but it didn't show as he pulled out all the old steamboat trademarks: the chops, flying off the ropes, and classic grappling. he was so good in fact that he's doing a series of matches with jericho all summer long. jericho eventually eliminated all three of his opponents [snuka could have been eliminated by a light breeze......that fucker has no business being near a ring in any capacity and while piper was slightly better his days are clearly behind him] and took the win. mickey rourke did get in the ring and put jericho down with a stiff shot to the jaw which was pretty cool. essential for steamboat and rourke. fucking steamboat holy shit did he bring his A game.

4. EXTREME RULES MATCH - matt hardy vs. jeff hardy - i had no predictions. didn't really care. matt hardy won while jeff got the last laugh by putting his brother through a table. match was pretty decent but i dont really remember what happened. lots of tables and ladders and the like as is customary with any match with these two in it. why is it that i didn't care about this match as much as i should have? fuck if i know.

5. INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH - JBL vs. rey mysterio - i was pulling for a JBL win and him retiring as the intercontinental champion. what actually happened was 40 seconds of JBL losing and then quitting wrestling empty handed. dont get it. i had hopes but was denied. being denied by vince mcmahon and his writing team is a regular thing for me.

6. UNDERTAKER VS. SHAWN MICHAELS - undertaker's winning streak at wrestlemania is a major record that wont ever be broken no matter what. while this match had much intrigue for me simply because while undertaker hasn't been beat at mania he has NEVER beat shawn michaels. to me michaels is one of the top performers of all time. i put him right up there in the pantheon with ric flair and other legends who not only could work a great match with anyone but could also get on the mic and cut a promo that would draw you in. the build up for this was heavy on kitschy skits i.e. shawn hanging out in the 'graveyard' and kicking over the undertaker's tombstone into an open grave. despite some over the top moments, there was plenty of in ring psych outs from both competitors leading up to the match itself. i was really sitting on the fence about calling a winner but went ahead and picked taker for the win. why? well simply put if taker is ever going to lose at mania he will most likely lose to a young up and comer who can truly benefit from the rub that a mania win over the deadman would surely deliver. shawn's status as a certified legend is no doubt assured [debate me if you'd like but the bottom line is michaels has won just about every title there is to win and is a multi-time world champion. he has charisma skill and credibility and an epic resume so puff on that baby] and he doesn't need to break the streak in order to cement his already legendary reputation. michaels can go into this match and lose and come off as just as big of a winner as the undertaker. so what happened? they tore the fucking house down is what happened. 20 plus minutes of near falls and attempt after attempt to finish each other off. the dead man did in fact come out on top on this one but as i stated previously: they both came out looking like a million bucks. up and coming wrestlers need to look at matches such as these and see how it's really done.

TRIPLE THREAT MATCH FOR THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP - edge vs. john cena vs. big show - i was really pulling for the big show for the win since he really hasn't had a world title run for quite some time and quite frankly i dont particularly care about john cena. maybe if i was a 5 year old kid i might give a fuck. cena is the 2000 version of hulkamania. until he turns heel and grows a coffee ground beard i will not root for him. i really think edge is one of the top heels in all of wrestling but he could do without the strap for a while and focus on some new feuds or perhaps a team up with his old buddy christian. there was no way whatsoever that this match was going to measure up to the pure glory of taker vs. michaels no matter what these three were to attempt [well maybe if they killed each other with uzi's that might top it but that wasn't going to happen]. in the end it was hulk cena for the win. boooooo motherfucker booooooooooo!!!!!!!!

WWE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH - triple h vs. randy orton - i hate randy orton and cant stand his cowardly heel gimmick as he reminds me of a catatonic retard half the time. triple h's whole aura has been stale for nearly ten years. i didn't care who won this match. the lead up to this was a few months in the making with orton taking out triple h's family [the mcmahon family yada yada yada] and then knocking out stephanie mcmahon and kissing her while she lay unconscious and triple zzzz sat by while handcuffed to the ring ropes. then there's the skit where randy is doing an interview via satellite from his 'home' with his 'wife' sitting at his side. h busts in the door and proceeds to demolish the house [i was so pissed off at all the inconsistencies in the feasibility of this ever happening in real life that i probably could have had a stroke.... more on this bullshit later]. so anyhow i didnt pick anyone for the win but did predict that this match was going to be a real tedious watch to be sure as these two have wrestled each other more than a few times in the past. come match time as expected it was the unabashed snoozefest that i had envisioned with triple h getting the win and retaining his title. see my rants about this feud below.[13]

OKAY......SO..............WHAT DO I REALLY THINK? i think wrestling has gone stale. plain and simple. i still watch it ocassionally and always come away feeling like i could have done something far better with my time. WWE is the largest wrestling company in the world but the product has gotten so piss poor that they can hardly be called innovators in the world of wrestling. so where does that leave us? TNA? i dont fucking think so. i could run a fairly extensive list of all the faults that both companies exhibit on regular basis. philadelphia based promotion ring of honor seems to be the number 3 company in the wrestling universe and the product that they produce is consistently top notch with 95% of the action and story telling taking place in the ring. again all the stuff i have seen from ring of honor is worlds away from the nap time action of WWE or TNA. how can this be? simple. the folks at ring of honor care about what sort of wrestling product they present to their audience. WWE is so preoccupied with trying to gain mainstream acceptance that they lose sight of what they are in business for in the first goddamned place. TNA isn't any better with the convoluted booking and hideous storylines and their obvious riding of WWE's coattails. ring of honor lives by the old verne gagne[14] saying 'THE SIGN ON THE MARQUEE SAYS WRESTLING' and that is what ROH gives to the wrestling fans. what a fucking concept. WWE needs to stop selling me crappy movies, issues of playboy featuring the latest no talent WWE diva spreading her cooze, cd's with theme music [who listens to these seriously.........i mean SERIOUSLY???] and jeff hardy panty hose gloves and give the people what they really want............SOME FUCKING WRESTLING!!!!! so instead of endlessly complaining about this fake sport [yeah i said it.........and guess what............there isn't a santa claus neither so eat my shit caked jockeys] i will instead list a few things that I, CHUCK ROAST [wrestling fan and historian] would like to see in the wrestling product. so hey....WWE........instead of pretending that you are still the leaders in 'sports entertainment' you should try and listen to some real experts such as myself. hiring freddie prinze jr as a writer for your shows isn't going to help [and of course it hasn't and he has since gone back to hollywood to make more crapola for the silver screen] you need to hire me. id do it for a fraction of the cost that you pay these pulp fucking writers that don't know jack shit about wrestling. to me........wrestling should be written by people who understand and appreciate the concept of wrestling. call me crazy but it takes passion to create something worthwhile. oh fuck it i dont know..........just read the following [i mean shit you've read this far so you might as well keep on going.....learning never hurt anyone..........well maybe not anyone..........but i digress].

WHAT CHUCK ROAST WANTS AND DONT WANTS ABOUT WRESTLING: [an exercise in bitching and moaning........and providing practical solutions to pop culture problems a.k.a. you need this]

special note: i will mainly address problems that i see with WWE since they are the largest company. this should however serve as a reminder to lazy companies like TNA to get their fucking shit together........both companies are exposed to a much wider base of viewers and are both equally guilty of the same crimes. thx and fuck you.

1. LIGHTING - lets just cut to the goddamned chase here.....i dont need or want to see the fans. i dont want to see their empty expressions, their git-r-done shirts, their horribly misspelled signs and banners, their stupid kids, their anything. case in point...........STARCADE 83..........ric flair vs. harley race NWA world title match. two wrestlers, a referee [former world champion gene kiniski for you trivia geeks] and a steel cage. the ring and cage is illuminated and the crowd is shrouded in darkness. my point is this..........THE STORY COMES ACROSS PERFECTLY and the crowd is never seen. the old school was all about the action in the ring, and you knew that if the product was good that there was a crowd there gettin into the action. you knew that the portland sports arena was filled to the rafters each and every week because the in ring action was so good that you HAD to be there. you HAD to watch it on tv. the same applies now: if the quality of wrestling is good then it's a given that there's an audience there to see it.........I JUST DON'T WANT TO SEE THEM. stop illuminating the mouth breathers and over zealous jocks and illuminate the product. PLEASE.

2. WRITING - WWE and TNA both go about this all wrong..........they hire writers from the world of network television. my theory is this: the guy that writes episodes of 'law and order' writes episodes of 'law and order'. he knows cops and robbers. yes wrestling is often based on good guy bad guy scenarios but it is much deeper than that [im fucking crazy huh?]. what im saying is that these wrestling shows such as RAW and SMACKDOWN and TNA IMPACT believe that they are the same type of shows that 'law and order' are. they believe that they are 'episodic' television. wrestling shows are not refered to as EPISODES. you want to know who said 'did you watch the last episode of raw?' ill tell you who said that..........NOBODY. no wrestling fan that i have ever met speaks of watching 'episodes' of wrestling shows. NOT ONE. not ever. why? because there is no season finale, no NEW season of SMACKDOWN, all the things that work on regular network tv shows do not work in terms of wrestling. stephen king is a great writer but unless he really really loves wrestling and understands the storyline mechanics of wrestling he couldn't possibly be good at writing a wrestling show. well.......maybe stephen king could write a wrestling show but how about some no name guy who wrote a few episodes of 'gray's anatomy'? let wrestlers write the script. let people who understand wrestling write wrestling. allow the wrestlers who actually have to go out and perform this stuff to have a little creative freedom. there seems to be an overriding sense that everything needs to be rushed. in the old days, storylines took months to play out, things were allowed to percolate naturally and explode when the time was right. nowadays, it seems like everything gets pushed out the door before it's ready and it lacks the effectiveness that it may otherwise have if it had been allowed to fullfill its potential. time to slow the pace of the storylines down and let the tension build a little bit and then when shit finally does hit the fan........it actually means something. i could go on and on and on about this shit but suffice it to say.........there needs to be a thorough assessment of who does the writing and how does it fit into what THE FANS actually want to see. i could go on a long tirade about vince russo [one of the great wrestling minds of all time....at one time] and all his stupid ideas such as putting the WCW title on david arquette [yes that david arquette] but i wont because you can do that on your own time. go to wikipedia and look up vince russo if you want to see the whole story.

3. STOP BEING SO FAKE - jesus fuckin h. christ. everytime i turn on shows like RAW i am horrified at how blatantly fake everything looks. ginger kicks and punches overtly choreographed fight routines where it looks like paula abdul planned the matches. i am fully aware that im talking about a fake sport not being so fake and that it sounds ridiculous but does it have to look so soft? alot of times it just looks sloppy and lazy, on top of it looking completely fake. can't there bit just a bit more crispness in the moves? cant things at least look like they hurt because they kinda do? part of this pussification comes from wrestlers not really understanding how to work a match. you see someone like shawn michaels gettin out there and making it look good......this is due to the fact that he actually cares. he knows what the fans expect and knows what the fans want to see. chris jericho is another fine example of a wrestler who understands what it means to make it look like it matters. part of the blame goes to promoters such as vince mcmahon wanting people to believe that it's all fake and it's just an episode of a show about fighting and these guys are practicing up for their big careers in hollywood. yeah vince i know what you want me to believe but what i think is that YOU ARE RUINING SOMETHING THAT I ACTUALLY LIKE AND IM TIRED OF IT. stop giving so much of a fuck about whether john cena aka hulk cena gets a busted lip or a black eye. it isn't going to hurt his movie career to get a few bumps and bruises simply because he really dont have a career in movies to begin with [the marine / 12 rounds are exhibits A and B respectively]. im tired of some of these primadonnas not giving out the maximum effort into their matches. the laziness shows and the fans see it and they shit on each and every sloppy move. come on and lay into each other, beat the dogshit out of each other, you dont have to kill each other, but at least put a little effort into it.

4. LESS PAY PER VIEWS - at this stage of the game between both WWE and TNA there are approximately 24 pay per views a year. that is alot of coin to be shelling out for less than stellar performances and lackluster action. in fact i will go so far as to say that it's a fucking waste of money. considering what the current product is asking for people to spend 30-40 bux a month for a ppv is asking an awful lot from people, especially during these tough economic times [i sound like i really care dont i?]. i really believe that there needs to be a serious scaling back of pay per views to perhaps 4 or 5 a year. for example: WWE could bust out ROYAL RUMBLE in january, WRESTLEMANIA in april, SUMMERSLAM in august, and SURVIVOR SERIES in november. this would allow the writers more time in between each pay per view to get storylines and feuds going and letting them build properly. at the current rate, along with writing for each 'episode' there is approximately 3 weeks between each pay per view event to get the storylines going where they need to be. how can this not seem rushed? slow the pace down and the in ring product will improve immediately. not only will you have happier fans but you will have return business on the pay per view front. i loved it back in the late 80's and early 90's when NWA / WCW used to have 'clash of the champions' which was a 3 hour extravaganza that had tons of great matches that you actually wanted to see and it was on regular television. FOR FREE. what's wrong with some free stuff vince? huh?

5. LESS CHAIRS AND LADDERS - if any of you had any guts and actually sent me hate mail which i have dared you to do since day fucking one this is where i would get it most likely. one of my favorite promotions of all time was ECW [15]. they had the best of everything when it came to wrestling: they had over the top violence, great scientific mat based wrestling, lucha libre, they really had a full spectrum of wrestling for all sorts of fans. even now, nearly a decade after they shut down permanently, i still believe that ECW is the perfect promotion and really showed off everything that i as a fan love about wrestling. if you dont know what im talking about i suggest you find some ECW footage on youtube or on dvd or something and get to studying immediately [special note.......the current incarnation of ECW that is run by vince mcmahon has fuck all to do with the original and doesn't even come within a mile of being remotely cool.....you naive rubes need to understand and steer clear of this obvious sham]. with all of that aside.....ECW made chair swinging and table breaking and ladder jumping off of a regular feature to its broadcasts and i have never had any complaints about that...... until now. back in the days of old, any use of a chair got you disqualified by the referee if you got caught, now wrestlers use chairs liberally right in front of the referee who never disqualifies anyone and puts up little to no resistance to its use. when you over do things such as chairs, tables and ladders you take away the impact of their use by desensitizing your audience. after awhile people become so hardened to chairs and such that it doesn't even mean anything anymore. this sort of violence should be used far more sparingly, this also goes for gratuitous use of high flying moves and cage matches. there used to be an adherence to the rules back in the day and now the rules are bent so far out of whack that they barely resemble rules. its time to get back to the referees actually maintaining the rules and disqualifying people for excessive use of violence. it was far cooler when ric flair would be choking the shit out of someone with some athletic tape and he had to obscure it from the referee in order to maim his opponent. if he got caught, he got disqualified, fuck it, he could always beat up ronnie garvin next week in another match, big deal. p.s. dear triple H...........LOSE THE FUCKING SLEDGEHAMMER!!!!!!

6. GIMMICK MATCHES ARE GAY - im going to try and keep this simple with an equation.........you ready? here goes: money in the bank + king of the mountain + triple threat matches + 4 way matches for the world title + monster's ball + ultimate x + miss wrestlemania diva battle royals + hog pen matches + interactive pay per views = one big pile of epic suck. stop it. my belief is that a world title [or other titles for that matter] should be contested in one on one matches. here again the reason they do these idiotic clusterfuck 3-4 way matches is because they dont have anything for one or more of the competitors to do. well........if they would learn how to write the fucking script and were allowed the time to come up with material one could easily find something for other wrestlers to do.

7. BACK STAGE SKITS ARE BULLSHIT - there doesn't need to be a camera in every nook and cranny of an arena. i dont know how many fucking times they have a backstage segment with wrestlers having conversations that are CLEARLY not meant to be on television. fuck all an opponent has to do is just watch a monitor and see what is being planned against him. OR........the randy orton interview from his 'home' in st. louis where he talks about what he's going to do to triple zzzzz. let me set this up for you............so there he is......on the couch with his 'wife' by his side and he's babblin on and on about this and that when all of a sudden [try to predict what happens next before i tell you what happens next.......ill give you a second to think it over] here comes triple h busting the door down all sweaty with his leather jacket and sledgehammer. a pointless chase goes on throughout the house with trips smashing shit and knocking stuff over and randy runs away [special note: with a look of fear etched on his face that is so over the top considering the the fact that he's well muscled and can defend himself just fine]. with every room that they conduct their keystone cops routine in there is always someone screaming and cowering in the background....im thinking to myself quite loudly: HOW MANY FUCKING PEOPLE LIVE IN THIS HOUSE? then...........THEN............here comes the capper: trips gets his hands on young pussified randy and tosses him through the picture window. pretty neat eh? not really since their was a camera man stationed on the outside of the window to capture the action from another angle. FUCKING STUPID!!!! then the cops show up and arrest triple h roll credits yada yada............pfffft. fucking retarded as hell. my question is this: did triple h show up with a camera crew of his own and say....okay dude you stand here and you follow me through the house and you go in before me to capture me kicking the door off the hinges. that would be the only logical explanation i can think of but even that reeks of stupidity. first off: it wasn't really orton's house [unless he lives in a house made of balsa wood and construction paper]. his wife wasn't really his wife but was some model hired to portray his wife [which leads me to question what orton's real life wife looks like]. the random people scattered through the house was possibly intended to imply that he...meaning orton....has servants. maybe. whatever they were there for is irrelevant since THEY DIDN'T NEED TO BE SHOWN. but really the big sticking point is the 'orton going through the glass window bit'. i guess it just comes from WWE's belief that everyone needs to be spoonfed the storylines since wrestling fans are all idiots. but......BUT........im a finicky veteran wrestling fan........i see shit like this and i roll my eyes and yell at my tv........i dont need to see where orton lands.........i can only assume that he's landing on grass. i mean fuck.........he isn't landing on a bed of spikes...........duh. and if he did you could just EXPLAIN that on tv next week. i dont need every nuance displayed for me. the only thing i need to see backstage is a dude holding a microphone while a wrestler yells into it before going out and caving someone's head in. thats it.......nothing else. i got a brain and i know how to read between the lines.

8. LET THE WRESTLERS TALK GODDAMN IT - everything is so scripted nowadays that it seems exactly that.......SCRIPTED. what the hell happened to the old days when ric flair could come out and let it all fly.........no cuss words no stumbling just pure entertainment. i remember turning on NWA wrestling when we first got cable and seeing the nature boy in all his glory [suit and sunglasses and world title in hand].......letting the fans know that he was the greatest and his opponents were clearly inferior sad sacks that couldn't hang. i remember seeing that and being HOOKED from the start. the art of the promo is lost on todays wrestlers. fuck the art of wrestling is lost on todays wrestlers. now i am positive that there are countless talented talkers out there on the indie scene, hell there are great talkers in the big time confines of WWE and TNA. however, these talents are muzzled by the likes of vince mcmahon in an effort to turn his talent into a bunch of superheros. making wrestlers say things they would never say is not the way to go, people see through that. with WWE going for the kiddie market as of late and ridding itself of anything remotely provocative in an effort to provide entertainment for the whole family, he has essentially neutered loudmouthed maestros such as chris jericho and edge making them say dumb fucking crap that no one says in real life. the only time you hear terms such as 'kick your butt' or 'sure as heck' or 'get your butt out of here' or 'no way in heck' is at church bbqs, other than that, real average americans talk about 'kicking ass' or 'kicking your ass' or 'get the hell out of here' et al. real americans use cuss words and slang. do i think all wrestlers should? no. but there is a time and a place for everything. if any of you remember the old ECW, you know damned well that wrestlers were free to say whatever they wanted to say and it made for a more realistic product. it's that simple, if you just let dudes say what's on their minds the story will come across as more down to earth and far more accessible to the average wrestling fan. if it's too edgy just bleep it out, id rather know that whoever is running the show allows their talent to be themselves rather than some square cartoon character. do you think shawn michaels is going to go too far when cutting an unscripted promo? probably but the fans will eat it up because it's honest, it's real. if i wanted to watch a puppet show i fucking would. im 36 years old not 5 so stop sparing me the vulgarities i can fucking handle it just fine thank you very little.

in the end my words and my ideas will fall on deaf ears as far as people like vince mcmahon go. ultimately i blame mcmahon for the undoing of wrestling in the first goddamned place. he was the one who came in and bought his father's company and then started his national expansion by strongarming promoters nationwide. he would buy up a promotion's talent until there was nothing left and then the promotion would then fail and disappear. mcmahon did this countless times, essentially doing away with the old territorial system which had served the nation's wrestling thirst since the early 20th century. if you want a great history lesson seek out the book 'national wrestling alliance: the untold story of the monopoly that strangled pro wrestling' by tim hornbaker. this book is a pretty deep read [meaning if you dont know how to read very good you should steer clear] that has stories of promoters from across the decades and across the globe. it also explains some of the promotional tactics of individuals such as vincent k. mcmahon, who's father vince sr. figures in prominently throughout the book. a must read for true wrestling afficionados.
again i gotta say that my ideas probably reflect those of a million individuals worldwide who are tired of being forcefed crap each and every week. back in the 80's i remember there was approximately 35 hours of wrestling programming on weekly and i watched every single second of it. there was WWF, NWA, AWA, PORTLAND WRESTLING and there was ladies wrestling too, the variety was wide and the action was primo. nowadays im not sure of how much wrestling is actually on tv on a weekly basis but it's probably not nearly as high and it's all orchestrated primarily by vince mcmahon. of course there are still a few exceptions where there are small promotions who have tv shows but they aren't getting shown here in good ol longview. basically what this all boils down to is that im bored of today's product. thankfully there is RING OF HONOR [16] who have great wrestling available on dvd so all hope isn't totally lost. plus i have a fairly large collection that i can dive into at any given time.
OKAY........so that ends this column for this go around. hope you enjoyed it but if you didn't i could give a fuck less. stay tuned for the next column of yummy smart goodness as i set my sights on some new target of scorn ridicule and analysis. the wheels are turning as i type this so be prepared. cheers.

debate me if you dare:
www.myspace.com/chuckroast
headlesspymp@gmail.com

here's my zine:
www.myspace.com/witchkunt


ENDNOTES
[1] okay so apparently having stuff printed on newsprint isn't cheaper according to the editors. it was an avenue that was in fact explored but it didn't yield the cost cutting goods that i had envisioned. oh well. if this stuff dont get printed there is always other options of which we will explore at a later time.

[2] i have discussed jolie's obsession with giving birth to and adopting children. the difference between her and nadya sulemon is that jolie has the money to give these kids a good life. another famous child collector is mia farrow who used to ride woody allen's pud. the difference between mia and angelina is that while both women are famous and wealthy to the point of being able to provide for their children, jolie's will all most assuredly turn out to be a bunch of spoiled troublemakers running around thinking that the world should adore them, when they have in fact done jack shit to earn their own living. mia farrow however, seems smart enough to raise her kids to be doctors and cook book authors or something. well.......not all of them.....her daughter sun yi has been fucking woody allen for years [there goes my theory]. so where does that leave sulemon and her 14 spawns? who knows. im sure that the media will start reminding us when they start doing drugs and getting fucked by the neighbor kids. i thought they were going to stop talking about this chick several weeks ago [you know the whole 15 minutes of fame thing] but here i am still being bombarded by breaking news about her and her little band of mutants. personally i think they need to yank her uterus out and throw it into an incinerator so she'll stop abusing the fucking thing. i dont believe in god per se BUT........squeezin off babies in amounts reserved only for dogs is against the will of the invisible one. p.s. there is a musical that is playing right now that is based on this outrageous story but fortunately it is written by people who like me, see this for what it really is: FUCKED UP.

[3] nancy grace....holy shit where do i start with this one? i cannot believe how this woman can squeeze a news story for every scrap of nonsensical information for months on end and not get cancelled. she's been hung up on TOT MOM [there we go with the name thing again....fuckin media] casey anthony for damn near a year [10 years by the time this column sees the light of day.....and she will probably still be talking about it on her show then too] and she never seems to get tired of wearing it out. finally she started dividing her time between touting anthony's guilt and ruminating about some other missing child, so maybe she's starting to let go a bit. but then again everytime i think she's going to focus her energy on some other rape or kidnap case she goes right back to the safety of the TOT MOM. my take on the whole thing is this: THE CHICK HAD A KID, TRIED BEING A MOM [sort of]. FOUND OUT THAT PARENTING WAS CRAMPING HER STYLE. KILLED THE KID. TOSSED IT INTO THE SWAMP. BLAMED THE NANNY [which there wasn't one]. BITCH YOURE GUILTY END OF STORY THROW HER TO THE POISONOUS SNAKES. ROLL CREDITS. i could do that in one fucking episode. then the next night show all the illicit photos of her blowing a burrito or laying half dead next to the toilet while some dude is standing over her throwing gang signs. id have a celebrity panel featuring DR. HEATHEN SCUM. SICKIE WIFEBEATER. AND ERIC GIDNEY helping to assure the public of this broad's obvious guilt along with her obvious sexual appeal to meth heads all over florida.yeash.
[4] MASH UP jay z and linkin park. anthrax and public enemy. the most famous mash up of them all has to be run dmc and aerosmith doing 'walk this way' and over 20 years later i still think it holds up good. the 90s had some great mash ups especially on the JUDGEMENT NIGHT soundtrack which came out in 1993. this soundtrack is probably the only one i have ever owned [with notable exception going to clerks]. the concept was simple: take the hottest hip-hop artists and have them collaborate with the hottest rock acts. CHECK THIS SHIT OUT LIST #1
1. helmet / house of pain 'just another victim' [saw helmet do this live......totally choice]
2. teenage fanclub / de la soul 'fallin' [dont remember this cut but im sure it has alot more panache than most modern collabos]
3. living color / run dmc 'me myself and my microphone' [dont remember this one at all.]
4. biohazard / onyx 'judgement night' [this and 'slam' were part of my mix tape action during the summer.....i used to like biohazard. haha]
5. slayer / ice-t 'disorder' [awwww yeh. the o.g. and the most infamous band in the world....YOU CANNOT GO WRONG NUKKA]
6. faith no more / boo yaa tribe 'another body murdered' [another doozy]
7. sonic youth / cypress hill 'i love you mary jane' [second only to the slayer / ice-t collab....a great example of how it's done.]
8. mudhoney / sir mix alot 'freak mama' [seattle represented.......did you doubt? for the record....mix alot understands rock!]
9. dinosaur jr. / del the funky homosapien 'missing link' [dont remember this one....although i am a lifelong dino jr. fan]
10. therapy? / fatal 'come and die' [another rocker......i try to like therapy? but they always lose me.....not here though.]
11. pearl jam / cypress hill 'real thing' [not as good as the collab with sonic youth.....but...........it is cypress hill so i give it a thumbs up]

[5]jason statham - the 2000 version of steven seagal. this dude will do an equally devoid string of action films in an even shorter amount of time than good ol steven. this guy has nothing going on upstairs. NUH-THING.

[6] dont get me wrong fuckers, i love me some stupid funny movies but there is no way NO WAY WHATSOEVER that 'the 40 year old virgin' is jack shit compared to 'police academy'. the idea of the comedy went haywire when 'american pie' came out and it hasn't recovered since. to put it another way: we used to have 'amazon women on the moon' now we got 'the role model'. i mean.........COME ON....seriously. what the hell? as of last week they have been showing previews of some piece of shit comedy with adam sandler [who hasn't been funny since happy gilmore], seth rogaine, that fat kid from superbad [name given below], and some other d-bag. this movie looks so bad im getting douche chills just thinking about it.

[7] i love michael cera in 'arrested development' but now he does these feeble emo styled comedies and im not going along for the ride. grow a mustache fucker and grow up. i know he can do better than 'superbad' [with that fat assed afro sporting prick that seems like he crops up in every boneheaded comedy out there.....jonah hill is his name i do my research nukka.] oh and by the way....josh reynolds........hate that fucker. i didn't have anything up in the main column about him so i figured i should mention him now just to get it out of my system. actually when i think of stupid things he comes up fairly often.

[8] i have always maintained that wrestling is more entertaining than just about anything. i have withstood the critics over the years and have been steadfast in my love of wrestling. however, after the chris benoit double murder suicide i stopped watching for nearly a year. that and the untimely death of eddie guerrero had made me turn away simply because it seemed that some of my favorite wrestlers were dropping like flies. i can safely state that i am back to being a fan again....sort of.

[9] CARD - lineup. who you'll be seeing that particular evening.

[10] watching this match makes me miss the days when wwe had women wrestlers who not only looked good but could actually perform. this is something that the wwe currently lacks. i believe that once they started doing the diva search contests that it was a slap in the face of women wrestlers who work their asses off to learn their craft. so while people like lita and trish stratus were actually working here comes a crop of no talent bimbos who get all the tv time and dont have to do anything for it. personally i think vince mcmahon gets his pole smoked quite often by these vacant headed bleach blonde retards. fuck womens wrestling. 2003 was the last year of anything good going on. nowadays you have mickey james [who is a super talented and attractive woman] who's going out nightly to have matches with women who don't have even a quarter of her ability. she is essentially wrestling a fuck doll. that's gotta be a drag for a woman who actually wrestles.

[11] i didn't actually watch 'mania this year simply because it's so goddamned expensive. however i still made predictions as i always do whether i watch or not. i then waited for the whole 3 disc extravaganza to come out on dvd. i will say this: some great stuff just not worth 60 clams. sorry vince.

[12] SPOT FEST - when a match is designed for dudes to hit their goofy high risk spots and in the process does little to tell a story. part of wrestling is theatrics and story telling. show off sessions without story line credibility pisses me off tremendously.

[13] no one ever goes over on triple h = his wife writes the fucking script.

[14] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Verne_Gagne .........read about this legend. follow all suggested links. learn something for once in your life. thank me later.

[15] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Extreme_Championship_Wrestling ........again read. learn. you're welcome.

[16] http://www.rohwrestling.com/
[16A] OTHER SUGGESTED LINKS [for true wrestling geeks]
http://www.chikarapro.com/indexENG.shtml
http://www.gaora.co.jp/dragongate/
http://www.czwrestling.com/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pacific_Northwest_Wrestling

SOME SHIT TO LISTEN TO:

NAPALM DEATH 'TIME WAITS FOR NO SLAVE' century media - the kings of grindcore are back again motherfuckers and dropping another bomb on your shitty little world. if you liked the last several albums this one will fit in quite nicely. not quite as good as their last one 'smear campaign' but my saying that don't mean shit cuz this disc is broodle as fuck. 14 cuts of prime grind and death metal action. barney's vocals are getting more and more lethal as the years go on. this 4 piece lineup is really suiting them well as things are lean mean and ready for action. if you like grind then you will like this.......otherwise just cling to your avenged sevenfold or whatever it is that you listen to.

JAY REATARD 'SINGLES 06-07' -in the red records- if you dont know who jay reatard is and you like punk and frantic new wave action then i highly urge you to get familiar with the man immediately. this is a compilation of singles that are probably now going for collector geek prices on ebay but with this collection you can bypass all that and get right into rocking the fuck out. like i stated before jay reatard plays a very catch yet frenetic sort of punk / new wave hybrid that is just as much devo and wire as it is the ramones. the singles show off many different styles and moods and really lets you in on reatard's musical tastes. 17 wild pop rock cuts that will have you doing the pogo all over your house. as an added bonus: there is a dvd which compiles 4 different live shows. his live shows are a totally separate entity from his recordings as everything is sped up [coke snort levels] and everything is totally barreling down on you. here's what i prescribe for you: get this compilation, listen to the tunes, watch the dvd, go buy his album 'blood visions' and then go see the man live. im serious you will not be disappointed.

JAY REATARD 'MATADOR SINGLES 08' matador records- another year and another round of singles from jay reatard. for me it's an opportunity to revel in more glorious pop punk / new wave rants and raves. 13 nuggets of rock and roll this go around that will be sure to please you as you toke up and crack open a case of lucky lager. no live dvd with this collection unfortunately but goddamn it this rocks so good.

FUCKED UP 'THE CHEMISTRY OF MODERN LIFE' matador records - i had to hear this band just based on the name alone and holy shit was i ever happy i did. this toronto canada based band much like their forefathers RUSH take music to new heights. not just punk rock or heavy metal or screamo or what the fuck ever....this band puts it all together and makes it all so catchy all while making you bang your head like a maniac. really there aren't words to describe them accurately but i highly urge you to check this band out as there is something for everyone. any band who's bass player is a girl named mustard gas is okay in my book. fucked up rules period.

SONIC YOUTH 'THE ETERNAL' matador records - if you know anything about sonic youth then i need not describe anything for you here. this is the best album they have done in well over a decade. lots of hooks in amongst the layers of guitar experimentation. 'sacred trickster' kicks this album off and it is a full on rocker unlike anything sonic youth has done in ages....if ever. if you are a sonic youth fan you will find much to enjoy with this new one.

DARKTHRONE 'DARK THRONES AND BLACK FLAGS' peaceville - norway's most grim outfit are back once more with an album chock full of old school metal worship. unlike their black metal past which was militant as fuck darkthrone has now morphed into a punk / metal outfit in the same vein as motorhead but with a dash of venom for good measure. 'hiking metal punks' says it all with speed and tongue in cheek ferocity. what is unique about darkthrone now is that they are making no bones out of having a good fucking time ripping through an albums worth of aged thrash and punk. they dont spend time making albums they get in and get out and have it done in two weeks. beautiful. why fuck around? the results speak for themselves. another winner from a legendary band. norway is back on the map thanks to the efforts of darkthrone. fucking stallions.

MAGRUDERGRIND 'S/T' willowtip - washington d.c.'s magrudergrind have finally released an album. yeah i did a review a while back but that was for a compilation of stuff. this self titled album is worlds away from the devastating grind detonations of the past. magrudergrind has added a focus to their music that was largely absent from their past work. tightly performed thrash parts mix and mingle with whirlwind blast parts. another one of those you gotta hear it to believe it. produced by converge's kurt ballou if that means anything to you. so not only does this album have perfectly executed audio hatred but it sounds good without being clinical which is why i hate studios. if this band stays on their current path they will be worshipped by all the swoop hairs when the emo trend dies away. needless to say i was there first and you were all johnny come latelys. either way you need this if you like to get your face punched off.

CASIOTONE FOR THE PAINFULLY ALONE 'ADVANCE BASE BATTERY LIFE' tomlab - this project is the brainchild of former portland resident owen ashworth. owen is a very introspective and emotionally charged dude and his music bears this out. CFTPA is so naked and experimental that it's almost hard to listen to but when you get past the cheap sounding drum machine patterns and tinkly keyboard stuff you hear very heartfelt vocals and lyrics. the lyrics read much like a very personal journal or very sappy love notes that are very funny and yet wickedly ironic. his work is very hard to describe but i guarantee this dude probably gets alot of chicks. i dig this for the sheer experimental nature of it all. dont let me stupid descriptions work against you. seek out his material and give it a listen. the cover of 'streets of philadelphia' is worth the price of admission alone. oddball stuff that makes the experimentalist in me smile.

HENRY FIAT'S OPEN SORE 'ADULTERER ORIENTED ROCK' coldfront records - im gonna put it to you like this: 47 raunchy songs, swedish band, punk as fuck. this compendium came out in 2002 but yours truly found it after quite a search. anyhow......this to me kicks the dick and balls off of bands like the dwarves and zeke. if you are into that sort of snotty dont give a shit type of punk rock then this band will be your new gods. suck it dwarves.....worship at the altar of the new kings of sleaze. essential stuff.

AGORAPHOBIC NOSEBLEED 'AGORAPOCALYPSE' relapse - another chapter is sickening acid drenched buffoonery from the east coast's most explosive and odd band. drum machine driven chaos that just yells in your face and says fuck, piss, cunt, and other obscenities in an almost stream of conscious way. like a gang on angel dust this band comes to pound your ass into powder and can do so with relative ease. pig destroyer's guitar maestro scott hull runs the show here and his playing is thoroughly skilled in its absolute abandon. they have since added a gal to their ranks and she is just as vile as vocalist jay randall. you want some machine gun type writer grind then you need not look any further than this long running joke without a punchline. songs like 'druggernaut jug fuck' and 'dick to mouth recusitation' will ruin your life.

LEGEND OF DUTCH SAVAGE 'S/T' no label - portlands rock and roll explorers really pulled out all the stops on this final album. i am so bummed that they broke up but if this is the final statement from this band then oh what a statement it is. heavy duty blues drenched acid rock meets up with some hooky pop and punk. if you missed these dudes live then you really fucking missed out. you listen to this and you will know why they were as beloved as they were. other bands work for years to get this good, but these guys just knew how to put it all together and make it rock in every concievable fashion. email them at their myspace and see if you can score a copy of this album cuz it pretty much fucking rules.