MUSICFEST NORTHWEST RESEARCH PROVIDES STUNNING RESULTS

Okay so musicfest northwest is starting up today or yesterday or whatever, and I for one couldn't be more non-plussed about the whole thing. The last 15 or so years [maybe longer depending on how you feel about such things] have been the haven of large scale industry insider 'festivals' where the tastemakers tell you what to like all for a small fee and a silly little bracelet. For many, this is the highlight of their concert going year where one has the opportunity to see tons of bands and maybe even a few favorites. While this may seem like a great deal for the financially well to do who can afford such affairs, to me, it is another high priced rip off that provides few rewards yet plenty of reasons to scoff and hurl insults, which it should be noted is my custom. Personally I think this bullshit started with that retarded South by Southwest debacle that takes place in the hipster hitching post of Austin Texas. Every club in the city fills up their week with industry and sponsored sanctioned bands that appeal to the 'alternative rock' assholes who have become a fucking cancer to the music scene at large. While these expensively dressed nerds patronize these dopey events, it only serves to give funds to a dying label industry that is struggling to maintain its grip on the mass public. While my initial suspicion that the fest was largely devoid of Portland bands, I was happy to find that the large majority of them were from the local region. However, a great deal of what I did find was far from good [no matter where it was from]. In fact most of it was either drippy alternative rock folkies or dance club morons, interspersed with some 'art rock' type bands and some metal acts for extra 'variety'. The organizers of this fest really only catered to a sector of the marketplace and anything that remotely deviated from the commercial was only a token gesture meant more as an insult than anything else. For informational purposes, all of the portland bands will be marked with a (P) before their name, which may also be substitued for 'poop' if need should arise.
(p) grails: Snoozy Eastern European folk music with banjos and acoustic guitars. Interesting but nothing more than special interest music for the uber hip culturalists.
(p) soft kill: Great band, probably one of the few that's actually worth a shit to go see throughout the whole fest.
(p) kasey anderson and the honkies: For Stevie Ray Vaughn fans who wear skinny girl jeans.
sleepy sun: Lazy San Francisco post hippie garbage.
ted leo: Since when has anyone given a fuck about this guy? Another version of Ben Folds when one was already too many. Don't know where this dope is from but it doesn't matter. sucks balls. End of story.
(p) yacht: Cutesy electronic video game schmaltz. Disco music for mustachioed nerds. Suck doesn't even begin to describe this bedroom project that should have stayed in the bedroom.
the romany rye: Don't have a goddamned clue where these ass rammers hail from but suffice it to say I made it about 15 seconds into their 'hit' and their wikipedia page mentions their name alongside Kings of Leon, and My Morning Jacket which for me is enough to dismiss them as complete fucking garbage. Some people would have you believe that secretary rock is cutting edge these days. Those people are way outta line thinking like that out in public.
(p) blind pilot: singer songwriter crap ala James Blunt. Didn't see pics but I suspect there are at least 3 beards in this band. A majority of these bands are Jack White's fault somehow.
(p) serious business: Serious bullshit.
(p) and and and: I don't really have an opinion about this which can be taken any old way you'd like to take it.
off!: This band can do whatever it wants whenever it wants. period.
(p)? DJ anjali and the incredible kid: Dance music stuff with that one beat....you know the one I'm talking about. Yeah that one.
achaelogy: Couldn't find anything out about this band and to be totally honest it doesn't really matter.
RTX: Fine. Not from the Northwest but I guess if you're gonna put a 'real' band on there then it might as well be Royal Trux.
(p) jared mees and the grown children: There is really only need for one Stephen Malkmus. This band could be on an episode of Friends.
neurosis: I've never been into this band so I have no opinion one way or another. however I must say that I have always detected a trace of pompous self indulgence with these guys.
(p) dangerous boys club: This band is pretty damned good but the video was hard to watch. That singer would look good in the sights of a sniper rifle.
(p) new york rifles: Another potential show stealer. No nonsense rock and roll. About goddamned time.
dam funk and the master blazter: Funk ala Kool and the Gang. Break out your 40s and blunts yall. This is better than all the ironic hipster bands in Portland combined.
(p) pierced arrows: Legendary legends doing that legendary thing.
the moondoggies: They're from Seattle but I see a bunch of beards in the picture so in an effort to save myself some time I'm gonna pass on listening to these guys. Fair? nope it isn't but it's my game so its my rules.
(p)? dj beyonda: Unless you're terminator X....fuck off. DJs are not bands and are not performers I don't care how witty or ironic your handle is.
(p) the helio sequence: Sub Pop hasn't released anything relevant in at least 14 years if not longer and here's the proof.
zuzuka ponderosa: One of those projects where all the members are from different countries and it still sucks. Downtown Julie Brown would open her lips for this non-descript dance club fluff.
(p) the dimes: Described as a folk-pop collective......whatever.
ty segall: Don't know if this guy is from Portland but it seems like he plays Portland fairly often. it's okay stuff but nothing to lose your shit over.
the soft moon: The trend of bands sounding like Joy Division has been a rather low-key thing over the last 20 years or so and doesn't bother me like some of the more flash in the pan stuff that people get all gooey over. Good stuff but I suspect that they're a bunch of stuck up art snobs. I wanna be wrong but I'm probably not.
(p) ravishers: 2 piece thing. don't know don't care. thx for playing.
big freedia: As I wait for the music to start I cannot help but dread what will hit my eardrums. I hate dance club music, I hate dance clubs, and this is the absolute caricature of what it's all about. So fucking stupid that I cannot fathom how shallow a person must be to like this asshole's music. DUMB beyond words.
you who: With a name so stupid it's little wonder I couldn't find anything out about this band. Wouldn't matter anyways.
bobby bare jr: Acoustic guitar and folksy homespun lyrics. About as exciting as watching paint dry.
(p) morning teleportation: Music for 13 year old girls. Soon as the singer started in with the rapid fire skit skat vocal delivery I promptly bailed.
cass mccombs band: Countrified music played super slow. Not too bad but this one song could be a lid covering up the barrel of shit. Let's see. Got another tune goin and it's in the same vein as the first....I am getting a Pink Floyd vibe. I'm okay with this.
band of horses: Band of beards. Go fuck yourself.
wheedle's groove: I'm not exactly sure what this is however it is funky as all hell and quite enjoyable. Hey, they can't all be total crap can they?
the heligoats: This Bellingham Washington based band is more of that singer songwriter stuff that can be good when the mood is right. The problem is that this is a genre that has been overly cluttered for a really long time and continues to be cluttered. It's hard for me to separate the good stuff from the so so stuff when it comes to these types of bands.
eleanor friedberger: Quirky chick pop from New York that is better than the late 90s Lilith Fair crap but not all that far removed from it neither. Carly Simon for the indie rock set.
hungry ghost: Couldn't find anything out about this band, which may or may not be a good thing. I could put more effort into finding out who and what they are but it doesn't matter all that much.
(p) kelly blair bauman: Described as Americana / classic rock / indie on his myspace page. Not so into trying to connect those dots. The song I heard was pretty good and didn't go on and on which some artists in this field tend do do. Don't know if I'd go see this voluntarily but wouldn't regret seeing it live if I happened to see it live. dig?
the kills: London duo. Typical alterna pop stuff. Well executed but a little too slick for my tastes. Car commercial music.
hurry up: I got nothin when I searched this band. I probably would have got nothin' if I found them so there's always that.
(p) sean flinn and the royal we: Yep it's that sort of stuff. Strummin and la la la's all over the place. Fair enough.
the corin tucker band: Was always a Sleater-Kinney fan and this ranks up there with their best stuff. Would watch this and like it.
crooked fingers: North Carolina indie pop stuff. Band has way too many people in it [29 fucking people....what the hell?]. Good stuff but there's already 800 bands at Musicfest Northwest doing this sort of thing.
the joy formidable: These folks are from the U.K. and brandish a very guitar heavy attack which for me is always a plus. Really good stuff.
(p) breakfast mountain: first picture of this band that I see depicts some dude doing a sort of DJ thing. I'm already calling bullshit. Now I listen: Yep.... as I suspected, retarded as fuck club jamz for uber kult indie clowns.
(p) viva voce: I've tried to get into this band but I can't seem to make myself do it. Don't know why because they are good at what they do. At least it's from the Northwest.
(p) mnemonic sounds: A slightly more intelligent Britney Spears.
dennis coffey: This dude has been around....like played with Marvin Gaye sort of around. Funk guitarist that played on the theme music for Enter The Dragon. This is good enough for me.
suuns: Don't know where this band is from. Don't care. More retardo indie discoteque stuff. I shudder at the thought of how many ill fitting members only jacket wearing dopes will soak this bullshit up.
(p) greylag: More of that indie-acousto thing.....as if this fest didn't already have enough of that already. Variety be damned.
sebadoh: Okay....I'll be the first to admit that I love Sebadoh. Have enjoyed their work for many years. However, I was not pining for a comeback from them. Another 90s alterna rock band cashing in on past glories. Looking back on it all I gotta say that only the first 4 albums are good. The rest of their catalog is a foundational brick of the emo rock empire that the teenyboppers subscribe to today. You're part of the problem Lou Barlow. Yes you!
(p) nether regions: Ah....some metal eh? Some doomy tuneage. Would watch them if they were opening up for something really good [and might even go 'fuck those dudes were killer], otherwise it's just another band doing what tons of other metal bands are doing.
brainstorm: German power metal band. You can't help but get a kick out of the double bass, shredding guitars, operatic vocals, and all the other trademarks of this well worn genre. Better than current day Iron Maiden and could very well steal the crown from them. These dudes must just happen to be in town during Musicfest because this runs completely countercurrent to what I've experienced thus far in my investigation.
(p) dirty mittens: If you have ever tried to sit through a PDX POP NOW compilation then I shouldn't have to elaborate further.
(p) sun angle: Tropical alterna-dance pop. Nothing to see here. Move along.
dirty ghosts: San Francisco band with groovy beats and chick vocals. Sounds like a demo recording but I'll bet they got paid thousands of dollars to record the tune I am currently hearing. She sings the same shit over and over again as if she's still trying to figure out what to actually do with the lyrics.
talk demonic: Haven't any idea where this band is from but they use pre-recorded music and shit. I see a lap top on stage which is grounds for an instant gonging on my personal Gong Show. A violinist and drummer with a computer. Drummer looks a bit like Meathead from All In The Family. Whatever.
(p) witch mountain: Don't got a bad thing to say about Witch Mountain. Ruleage.
purity ring: From parts unknown. Slow alterna-jamz. Going for some sort of spooky thing. It's fine but I'm not bustin nuts in my pants over it neither.
(p) unknown mortal orchestra: These guys are on Fat Possum Records so that that's a step in the right direction. Fuzzy groove oriented pop with some fa la las for you to sing along to and a noodly guitar solo. Good in a sort of dumb way.
(p) blouse: Some 80s styled tuneage that would have fit in pretty good on 120 Minutes back in the day. Although I probably would have used their video as a piss break.
(p) the needful longings: Comprised of some legendary Portland rockers. Could not find any tunes to hear but the pedigree is pretty goddamned bulletproof so I am fairly confident that these dudes are layin' it down right.
archers of loaf: Okay so the big trend in reunion tours and such is the 90s revival thing. Let's face it, the 90s was a fairly solid decade of music and there are quite a few good bands from that era that have reunited and made it work i.e. Guided By Voices and Pavement spring to mind immediately. The reason these bands can do it is because their catalog of respective works is such that people respect them. Archers of Loaf was always a 3rd rate band to me and I never understood the appeal and never understood the minimal critical acclaim that got affixed to them. I can't think of anyone who was going 'Dude I wish the Archers would get back together brah.' But apparently someone thought it was a good idea. I for one was not one of those people simply because I thought they always sucked. What's next Possum Dixon?
handsome furs: This here is one of those bands I sit on the fence about. Basement pop with manufactured beats and some overdriven guitar and some pleasantly non-obnoxious vocals. The problem here is that there is this undercurrent of 'we want to sell out so bad it's killing us' sort of thing. I don't know.
(p) dolorean: Syrupy country tinged singer songwriter crap. This is soundtrack music for a shitty date night movie.
black cobra: Those familiar with the stoner rock / doom genre have probably run across these dudes at one point or another. I'm sure they throw down some serious heavy duty doomage but it's not something I would go voluntarily see. Their older stuff is incredibly brutal while the more recent stuff has lost some edge from what I can tell.
white arrows: Fuck this crap. Singer suffers from bubble throat. White people piss me off intensely.
little dragon: Swedish band described as 'soul' music. No soul to be detected. Dreadfully average.
twin sister: Wikipedia describes this Long Island band as 'dream pop' and 'disco'. I'll buy into the 'dream pop' label but there is no fucking disco to be had in their sleepy nap time grooves. Get your Z's the hard way with this band.
(p) richmond fontaine: This dude has been a Portland staple for years and...uh....yeah. Jangly pop rock with the emphasis on the pop and very little on the rock. Well executed and well written and well played but nothing more.
butthole surfers: They'll surf your butthole in search of your wallet. Go home guys. Seriously.
damien jurado: First song I listened to started with acoustic guitar and I immediately knew where it was heading. At this stage of my research all I can say is...... ENOUGH PLEASE! Nothing personal but I'd like to take this guy's acoustic guitar and shove it up his ass.
kylesa: This band of heavy hitters from Georgia are like an updated version of Karp. Have always enjoyed their work. No complaints here.
phantogram: More manufactured beats and mumbly chick vocals. Again I must say......ENOUGH ALREADY.
EMA: Before anyone gets the wrong idea....I think chicks rule. Now with that said let it be known that I haven't heard one fucking act thus far in my research that features a frontwoman who actually rocks and isn't doing the goofy techno or synth pop thing. From Austria.
you am i: Never heard of this 90s relic apparently reformed for a reunion tour for all 20 of their fans.
(p) sallie ford and the sound outside: This is an interesting band. Got this sort of vintage thing goin'. Finally a gal up front that sings rather than moan and mumble through a tune. One of the few bands I didn't roll my eyes at after 15 seconds.
marketa irglova: The sticker on the front of her album says: 'For fans of Norah Jones, Tori Amos, and anyone who likes to get fucked up the ass slowly by a roaring fire'. Faster than sleeping pills but not as fun.
iron and wine: Beard.
(p) the thornes: One of Portland's best bands and a must see anytime they're playing.
(p) drew grow and the pastor's wives: Secretary rock can blow me.
(p) elitist: Not to be confused with the retarded kiddie metal band of the same name. This is one of the good Portland bands and a fine example of why Portland's metal scene is still one of the best in the country.
(p) TxE: Rappers.
(p) archers: Rockin' stuff. A nice suprise.
anais mitchell: Chick / guitar / Lisa Loeb fan.
(p) wizard rifle: 2 piece band that is borrowing liberally from Karp's bag of heavy handed tricks. Definitely worth checking out.
the globes: So I'm trying to check this band's facebook page and you have to 'like' them to hear their tune. Fuck that. No thanks.
(p) mission spotlight: Sorry but Drugstore Cowboy does this same stuff but with far more class and swagger and THEY should be playing Musicfest Northwest. This band just played its first show 2 months ago and are already getting in on some high profile stuff. A clear case of schmoozing and scenester sanctioned blowjobs.
(p) hawkeye: These guys have a song called 'Charles Bukowski, You're My Soul Brother (For Evuh)' which I gave approximately 40 seconds of my life to. Jangly psych pop that the Byrds did better 40+ years ago. Charles Bukowski would be pissed off at these guys for even mentioning his name.
pickwick: Hearing this Seattle band's music while picturing them performing it is making my farts stink really bad.
(p) transient: Real grindcore.....done to perfection. 50% of this band is female which makes it all the more fucking bad ass. The number one band worth seeing at this fest without a goddamned doubt.
(p) wampire: Some strangely interesting semi-ambient new wave stuff. Oh wow.....2nd song.......fucking bullshit.
(p) john heart jackie: I made it through 32 seconds and knew this band was all about. By now you should just know the drill.
(p) caleb klauder: Country music done in the finest traditions of old. Thumbs up from dad.
shabazz palaces: some boring assed rap music from Seattle. The only thing this has going for it is the fact that they aren't droning on and on about the typical 'gangsta' rap stupidity.
(p) e rock: This guy is a very productive artist in a wide range of mediums and it's a real shame I don't give a fuck about any of it. Actually it isn't a shame but I was trying to be diplomatic about things.
the music tapes: Dude from Neutral Milk Hotel doing this really ramshackle D.I.Y. experimental pop thing with tons of non-conventional instrumentation. Pretty cool but also kinda annoying at the same time.
boat: Seattle guitar based rock stuff not far removed from Weezer and Fountains of Wayne. Snarky lyrics and their stupid cutesy faces totally ruined it for me. Possibly the dumbest band name of all time simply for how little effort it appears to have went into its selection.
reptar: Dumb fruity white boy alterna-funk that gave me awe inspiring douche chills. Garbage.
(p) celilo: More lazy sounding acousto 'americana' type stuff. Good musicians but goddamn aren't there about 50 billion bands doing this already? You know, the usual pretentious, hoity toity, coffee sipping bullshit that is the common denominator of this fest.
joe pug: Acousto dude shootin for a Bob Dylan thing. Whatever.
(p) diesto: prog doomers. Played some shows with them. Always kept it heavy and weird.
PS i love you: 2 piece thing. Kinda rocks in a really dumb sort of way. Hit song is called 'Butterflies and Boners' which is funny.
super melody: Super sucky.
(p) mbilly: AW JESUS H. FUCKIN' CHRIST.......MORE GENERIC SINGER SONG WRITER STUFF? COME ON!!......FUCK!!!!!
sharon van etten: Does rock-n-roll even exist anymore?
dirty beaches: Droney pop. Safe experimental stuff for girls so they don't feel stupid for liking experimental stuff.
(p) lost lander: More acoustic guitars, Radiohead meets the Mamas and the Papas. Poop meets pee. The singer says something about being afraid of summer because he can't swin. Words cannot express the douche chills that are coming over me right now.
a storm of light: Atmospheric prog doom I guess. I really don't know. It has elements that I like but I don't think I'd go see these guys on purpose. Nah....I wouldn't.
(p) deelay ceelay: Without listening to these guys I'll predict what they sound like.....ready? Bouncy dance club jams for tramp stamps and fat tits. Okay now let me see if I'm right. Well.....I was damned close. It's bouncy electronic crap but there were no vocals [which is commendable on their part because I shudder to think what a vocalist would do to this band]. Anyhow.....yeah.....crap-ola.
(p) fernando: No comment.......what can I possibly say that hasn't already been said about this worn out bunch of pretentious bullshit.
macklemore and ryan lewis: More white hip hop....their song is about baseball. I couldn't help but think I would enjoy watching John Fogerty waste these dudes with an uzi. This really pisses me off.
(p) natasha kmeto: She looks like Tiffany Amber Thiesen. Dance club poop. Has a song called 'Party Girl' which should tell you all you need to know.
(p) the minders: These guys have never ever heard the Beatles.
bare wires: This band is alright but it really doesn't rock enough. Tinge of Beach Boys style creeping in to compliment their wanting to look like The Ramones. Singer looks like one of those guys that hangs out in his van down by the middle schools so he can pick up chicks.
holcombe waller: This is pretentious beyond words and unbearably difficult to listen to. A feeble imitation of the almighty Air Supply.....and comes with a beard as a sick fucking bonus.
MSTRKRFT: More abominable dance pop custom made for car commercials. The usual typical cookie cutter crap which is hardly suprising.
horse feathers: At this point I am so not suprised that this is more acoustic guitar and cello topped off with sensitive guy vocals. None of these acts stand out. NOT EVEN ONE OF THEM. I swear it's the same people over and over just masquerading under different band names as some sort of sick joke.
(p) rabbits: These guys are good. Following in the sweet tradition of bands like Karp and The Melvins. Heavy. No bass player. Killz.
(p) the thermals: This is another one of those bands that I don't have any particular complaints about but I have never cared enough about to investigate fully. Watched a vid and the singer/guitarist dude was waify and annoying. Done.
(p) purple and green: Couldn't find any music for this 'thing'. My best guess is that it's more hip hop / dance club tripe that would just make me roll my eyes in embarassment.
(p) old light: Beard, two drummers, hippie jam band action.
(p) blitzen trapper: Crap. The fact that this is on a label pisses me off to no end.
the stepkids: White slow jam funk that would have fit in pretty good on 70s radio. Better than a lot of the stuff at this fest but in the end it's just more forgettable product that no one will remember in a few years.
(p) ages and ages: Zero substance, and nothing going on here.
pig destroyer: These grinders blew me away with such albums as 'Prowler in the Yard' and 'Terrifyer' yet have been on a downward spiral since then. They hit the peak and can't seem to top it.
mad rad: Seattle white boy hip hop with some real instruments in the mix. Who gives a fuck.
dan mangan: I made it through 14 seconds of this guy's music. I will not talk about it any further as you already know what it is.
(p) marius libman: New record.......8 seconds.
the ladybug transistor: One Echo and the Bunnymen has been plenty for many many years now.
thee oh sees: Noisy garage pop that blows all these bearded acoustic sellout dough heads away. Never fails to be awesome.
zeke: The old stuff is killer. Even their worst stuff peels out all over the shit that this fest is trying to pass of as the future of music.
(p) glass candy: Some sparse sounding old school techno. Pretty interesting in that late 70s early 80s sort of way.
centro-matic: Blow me.
the horrors: Here's a band that while not necessarily re-inventing the wheel are doing something that is at the very least tolerable.
GIVERS: This is the sort of thing you hear in T.G.I. Fridays while you're waiting for your appetizers to come out.
the hood internet: This does not qualify as music. Get fucked.
(p) y la bamba: Music for coffee commercials......so when Folger's is done using Randy Travis there's this crap.
rhett miller: American Idol contestant music. Cocksucker of the highest order.
the gaslamp killer: D.J. jackoff music. Self indulgent without a trace of personality.
the olivia tremor control: When bands want to do the whole Brian Wilson thing I find the bands generally have nothing going on except for delusions of grandeur.
(p) eluvium: Piano music for emo pricks.
(p) typhoon: Band that is taking all the stuff that I hate most about The Cure and using it for their own devious objectives. Suck-o-tash.
the antlers: I had a strange urge to buy insurance when I heard this band.
explosions in the sky: From the hipster capitol of the world....Austin Texas. Nauseating ambient emo feces. Goes nowhere yet sucks balls all over the place. The fact that shit like this has a fan base is a sure sign that people have no taste whatsoever. Teen Mom incidental music. Fuck off.
emily wells: This chick plays violin over hip hop beats.........nuff said.
wild ones: Okay....There is no way that the band I found was anywhere near this fest. I'll go out on the limb and say that there was no Itallian glam rock to be had and that I couldn't actually find the real band at all.
(p) onuinu: Electronic music with the usual lack of soul and balls.
(p) black prairie: Some dark sounding old time country stylings here. Pretty goddamned good.
(p) the leaders: Saw this band open up for Jay Reatard and boy where they fucking stupid. Singer ate worms in attempt to look edgy and weird.
(p) boy eats drum machine: Saw a pic and decided I would not even give this 'artist' a listen. Fuck you asshole.
akimbo: Another band of vultures picking at the corpse of Karp. I've never understood the appeal of this band.
(p) tyler tastemaker: Saw a pic and that was quite enough to suss out this absurdly named snake oil salesman's schtick. White guy, dreads, wearing headphones, probably some tribal tats.
devonwho: At this point I could give two shits if I never heard techno flavored dance music again in my life.
(p) lifesavas: Saw this hip hop group open up for Ol' Dirty Bastard. I don't like hip hop like I used to simply because here is another genre that is stuffed full of the same old shit. I couldn't tell these guys from a million other acts doing the same thing. P.S. Ol' Dirty Bastard was fucking awesome by the way.
(p) eternal tapestry: Lazy sounding space rock jams. Tune your fuckin' guitars and then come talk to me. Until then, suck a dick.
(p) death songs: Maybe I'm getting tired of listening to some of these bands but I swear I keep hearing the same shit over and over again.
bobby birdman: More audio diarrhea from some Michael Cera clone. NEXT!!!!
kelli schaefer: From Battleground Washington of all places.....and guess what........NEW WORLD RECORD.....2 fucking seconds.
alela diane: Joan Baez worship. No thanks.
(p) we shared milk: Moderately interesting. I am gonna make a guess and say that these guys despite looking like a bunch of bashful nerds are probably a bunch of stuck up dicks. Portland has a way of making the concept of being a nerd some sort of high art aspiration.
(p) mean jeans: Pop punk with a hint of garage. This is more along the lines of the true face of Portland. So while the organizers of this fest would have you believe that Portland is all about Grizzly Adam's looking dudes toting acoustic guitars around. I will have to respectfully tell them that they don't have a clue. The Mean Jeans are just one of many great punk / pop / rock bands that are out there really doing it and not being completely embarassing about it.
E3: Don't know where it's from and don't know what they do. I don't give a fuck.
(p) violet isle: First off, this band describes itself as 'genreless' as in they defy categorization. Before I go ahead and get my day off to a bad start by giving this band a listen I will call bullshit on their claims of being 'genreless'. Now for the listening: UGH.......more bland commercial pop vomit. Bands who worship U2 should just be destroyed immediately.
(p) drunk ladies: Describing itself or themselves as 'damaged art rock' I can't find any music so I will be unable to make determinations on the validity of such claims. Here's the problem I have with bands that have not so readily available music: You probably suck yet are related to one of the fest organizers and you got in on those connections rather than on whether your music is any good. Here's another thing.....when you start throwing the 'art rock' tag around in my mind you had better be fucking good. I'm gonna wager that this project errs on the side of playing like shit and then calling it art. Fuck you sideways.
finn riggins: Here is a quote from their bio that should explain everything you need to know. "Having met while completing their music degrees at the University of Idaho." The aforementioned quote may be a sentence fragment, but don't let that prevent you from rolling your eyes at this pretentious load of shit.
(p) yob: I know I may be in the extreme minority but I don't really get into this band very much. Yeah it's heavy. Yeah it's well played. Yeah it's got the requisite flavors that on the surface would appear to be enjoyable. I just don't get off on this band.
crypts: I made it all of 11 seconds and said to myself "enough." Beats.
(p) crown point: I knew.....I just knew that by looking at the picture of the band I was going to be dealing with some real assholes. Guess what? Total cunty music played by a bunch of fucking cunts. Want a dated point of reference? Dawson's fucking Creek. FUCK YOU!!!!
1-2 buckle my shoe: I got nothing for this 'band' and personally I don't mind. It would more than likely suck a big fat dick anyways.
(p) emancipator: More obnoxious club jamz for the white kids. Stupid shit. The best thing this band could do is do a recording session while getting raped in jail.
(p) portland cello project: Look.....at least it's coming at this whole singer songwriter thing from a different angle. HOWEVER it does not save it from being just another cadre of ridiculous and pompous nothing. Music for country club assholes.
white hills: New York band doing a sort of Coldplay smoking a ton of weed thing. Has some interesting stuff going on but I can only imagine that this teeters off into the absurd oblivion of jam band central.
rebecca gates: I used to be a big fan of The Spinanes way back in the good old roaring 90s but since those times she has gone off on some sort of Carly Simon / Carol King tangent that while not the worst thing I've ever heard it sure isn't all that exciting neither. I can see Daria of 'Beavis and Butthead' fame listening to this while writing poetry. [UPDATE: apparently her MusicFest performance featured two drummers, one of them being actor Fred Armisen. Now to me this just reeks of lameness since I consider that show Portlandia to be a catalyst for Portland becoming a caricature of itself].
(p) jeffrey jerusalem: Saw the pic and said forget it. Yet another guy in his 'nerd' costume thinking he's Mr. Artsy Fartsy dance club guy. This genre may be even more hideous than the bearded acousto philosopher genre.
(p)? quiet life: This is some east coast band that has apparently moved to Portland in search of fame and fortune. Hmmm I wonder what they sound like? Oh wait let me guess, more bearded coffee shop wankery. So while looking for something of theirs to listen to I see a pic of this band. Of course it's a pic of a guitar player guy wearing one of those harmonica headgear things that Bob Dylan uses. Embarassing. Now I will listen. AW FUCK....it's Counting Crows part 2. The video shows them dressed up like a bunch of Amish people which makes it even more preposterous. 'Americana'..........pfffft.
avi buffalo: Well, well, well.......what do we have here? More fruity singer songwriter stuff. The guy's voice is fingernails on a chalkboard. To the woodchipper with this one.
(p) cj and the dolls: Described as 'tranny pop'. Let me state that a witty genre name does not disguise the fact that this is just more dance club stupidity created in someone's bedroom. I want a machine gun that shoots dildos.....so that I can use this band for target practice.
youth: Initially I stopped this at 4 seconds because let's face it.....it's just more of the same shit. However I let it play till 14 seconds in hopes that things would pick up. Now here I am 43 seconds into this piece of shit and it's still a piece of shit. More stupid Maroon 5 / Coldplay worship. These guys should be fed to a school of hungry piranhas.
(p) poison idea: I love Poison Idea with all my heart. One of the greatest punk rock bands of all time. I rank them up there with the best of the best. In my opinion when talking about punk rock you simply cannot leave P.I. out of the conversation. I've shared the stage with them and it was an incredible honor to do so. But let me really tell it like it is. When we compare musical catalogs i.e. Poison Idea vs. all the bullshit bands and artists at this stupid fest, I'll go on fucking record and say that none of them combined can ever compare to the kings of punk. You want to know what Portland is really all about? Poison Idea embodies the spirit of Portland punk fucking rock which is the bread and butter of that city's scene.....No doubt about it. All of this Paul Simon masturbatory acoustic guitar sellout bullshit will just come and go, and hell, maybe some of them will write some classic tunes and make their mark, but let me say that none of them will ever come close to attaining the perfection of 'Pick Your King' / 'Record Collectors Are...' / 'Kings of Punk' / 'Feel the Darkness'.........end of fucking story.
chaach: No info on this. The name alone makes my blood pressure spike.
(p) the angry orts: I really dig this band an awful lot. A rare bright spot in a lineup full of garbage. Snappy pop rock / new wave with a great frontwoman. Interesting tunes that cover a broad range of styles without coming off as trite.
heavy cream: Don't know where they're from but it's pretty darned good. Garage pop with some of those early to mid 90s Olympia influences. Catchy. I can't believe two bands in a row have been good.
(p) loch lomond: The final band on my list is as I expected......more smarmy folk music wankery. In closing I'll just say this.......I'd like to bulldoze this band off a stage and into a giant pit of fire.
SO HERE ARE THE RAW NUMBERS:
1. By my count 184 total acts played at this fest. I am reasonably optimistic that this number is accurate and may be a little less or a little more but let's all just pretend that my count is official.
2. Percentage of bands that I found to be worthwhile [Let me first clarify what I mean by 'worthwhile'. I am addressing those artists who I felt were at best total show stealers and at the very least moderately interesting enough to not be a complete waste of time.]: 28 bands made the cut which is approximately 15.22% of the total for performers. Pretty goddamned sad actually. Again I must state that some of these bands weren't even that great but they were at least somewhat different enough to not be a total obvious clone of something that's been done to death. The actual percentage of stuff that I feel was totally fucking awesome is far lower, with estimates being around 4-5%.
3. Percentage of bands that I felt were a bunch of shit: 156 which works out to approximately 84.8% of the total for performers.
4. How many of the bands were of the acousto / singer songwriter variety [bands or otherwise [again this category will encompass any band that exhibits any sort of beard as marketing tool along with all the dreadful 'americana' and folk garbage.]]: HOLY SHIT 36 acts for 19.6% of the total were of this disgraceful variety. This is suprising since it felt like every other band was doing this stupid bunch of horseshit. I really thought the percentage was higher. Although I am now thinking that it probably would have been handy to keep better track of this stuff since some of these acts were described in disparaging yet vague terms so I am reasonably certain that I missed some bands [which would no doubt increase the percentage.] I really feel that the number is far higher as much as 25% considering that some of the bands I did not count in this category were more along the lines of soap opera rock which could very easily be construed with the beardo singer songwriter genre. I will revisit this in a few moments.
5. How many of the bands were Coldplay / Dave Matthews rip offs [I'm talking slick pop of any sort, yet could be easily used in a commercial or is heard in the cubicles of secretaries the world over. As a catch all I will throw in any band which I use the word 'hippie' to describe them]: 39 bands for 21.2% of the total. Now you take this crap and combine it with the singer / songwriter shitbags [see item 4] and you got 40.8% of the total. So basically you got nearly half of the performers at this fest could qualify for shitty movie soundtracks or car commercials. No matter how you slice the pie.....the pie is a freshly sucked dick.
6. How many of the bands could be construed in any way as being metal [very self explanatory, generally metal bands are easy to spot so let's not over analyze this. I did take the liberty of counting Zeke and Poison Idea in the metal category]: 16 bands for approximately 8.7% of the total. This is pathetic considering the fact that the northwest and especially Portland has had some great bands over the years.
7. How many bands could be construed in any way as punk rock [Again this is pretty self explanatory. Did not count the Butthole Surfers since I do not consider them punk in the traditional sense.]: 4 for 2.2% of the total. This is dangerously pathetic. The very meat and potatoes of the Portland scene is built on punk rock but I'm guessing that a large majority saw through this fucking charade and ignored it just like I should.
8. How many bands are DJ / dance club / hip hop / techno and anything else I forgot [This category should be all the crap that I missed]: 37 for approximately 20.1% of the total.
9. How many bands were from Portland: 87 which is approximately 47.3% of the total acts.
10. How many of the Portland bands were pure unadulterated horseshit [I excluded the stuff that I didn't really have a strong opinion about because there we a few bands that were just so bland it was hard to determine whether they were worth forming and opinion about]: A whopping 55 for a 63.2% of the total Portland bands. Great job PDX you fucking blew it.
SPECIAL NOTE: If one were to add these numbers up it most likely wouldn't work. I will not go through the labor of trying to figure out why simply because this was an informal study. Had I spent more time carefully categorizing everyone it would have been easier to make sense of. The selected pieces of data were picked based on particular genres. By some initial appearances there appears to be some unaccounted for bands and acts but let me assure you that despite them being missing it really doesn't matter since most of them would have just fit into some of the aforementioned genres. Some acts I could not find any data for so they remained the mystery meat of this study.
SUMMARY: So what does all this mean? Quite simple: The organizers of this fest are catering to the big corporate sponsors and their own dreadfully average tastes. The point I was trying to make is that the large majority of these bands and artists while exhibiting some skill and talent, are only plumbing the depths of the most boring music imaginable. While Portland does have a really diverse musical culture this lineup would have you believe that this is all Portland is. A bunch of guys walking around with their beards and their guitars looking for the next coffee shop to haunt. They want you to believe that Portland is all about the basement D.J.s and bedroom club jamz and it just isn't true. Where is the punk rock on this fest? Where's the metal? Where is the indie stuff that DOESN'T sound like Weezer? Where are the bands that just flat out rock and don't have to water down their style? The answer: Not at MusicFest Northwest. What it all boils down to is that all of these fests are designed to appease their corporate masters, that's why most of this shit is just nothing more than beer commercial music or Applebees happy hour jams. They would have you believe that what they are bringing to you is cutting edge but in all reality it's just the same old shit that the record industry has wanted to shove in your ears and down your throat for years. In my estimation, any bands that I felt were the really good ones are just some nuggets they throw at the public just so people don't get too suspicious when they discover what a sham the lineup really is. In the end, it isn't even really about the northwest bands anyways but it is really about all the big ticket bands like the Butthole Surfers / Sebadoh / and Archers of Loaf. In my opinion, the organizers gave a big huge middle finger to the real northwest music scene and reached into the public's collective wallet to snag some bucks to feed the corporate machine. What a load of bullshit.
questions/comments/concerns/need to stick up for your favorite band?
headlesspymp@gmail.com
END NOTES:
1. some killer ideas for next year:
-chick plays oboe accompanied by 4 drummers
-art punk band that plays only seashells and bottles
-folk rock band with 87 bass players.
-electronic band that is just 2 guys playing Atari2600.
-just pretend there is no such thing as punk or metal.
-best beard contest.